Internet dating 101…

A few warnings, perhaps? At the very least, let me save you from the terrific fun I’ve had so far 🙂

1. Don’t do it. For heavens sakes go out and meet someone in person that you fall madly and deeply in love with, then live happily ever after. Please. For those of us that have succumbed to the horror that is internet dating- do it the old fashioned way. Do it for us.

2. Don’t date someone completely different from anyone you’ve ever dated. Seriously. And if you do, and he/she doesn’t like you? Deal with it like a big boy/girl. There are many people out there that are compatible with us, and many that aren’t. Know the difference and accept it graciously either way.

3. Do not rely on text messages for communication. Oh and (God forbid) do not use ghetto text abbreviations. It’s such a gigantic turn off- blech blech gag. Nothing is more attractive than an intelligent man/woman being interested in you. Nothing. So if it takes you 10 seconds longer to make the effort to show your respect- good on you– and it’ll never make you look like an idiot…

4. Do not… I repeat… DO NOT date someone with a completely different diet than you. I recently went out on a date where he attempted to order the pizza without cheese. Being that it was one of only 3 toppings (the other two being basil & tomatoes) I sort of had to say something.  At a certain point, I thought I was on Candid Camera. My teenage son said it best “What could you possibly be thinking… what could you feed him? He wouldn’t/won’t eat half of the amazing stuff you make- and for the record, I’m not eating what some weirdo veggie eats”… out of the mouths of babes. Also… in case he’s reading this… It’s called meat. Not Mammalarian tissue. If there were ever a nail in the coffin- it was when he asked me if I ate Mammalarian tissue. Ummm yep- every day. Sometimes twice. Sheesh.

5. For goodness sake- remember to play hard to get. It’s divinely attractive- completely exciting and reminds you why you wanted to get back out there and torture yourself again. I appreciate compliments as much as the next girl- but I reaaaaaaally want to think my date is a confident self assured man who wants to like me, not marry me tomorrow afternoon at the Court House…

6. Be on time. It’s a first date- and if you’re late, it’s the last date. I guess it’s sort of something my Grandma taught me that has always sort of held true. She always said “If he doesn’t care about impressing  you on the first date- he doesn’t care about impressing you.” My grandparents were married for 50+ years- and blissfully happy. I tend to take that sort of qualified advice to heart.

7. If he’s over 40 and has never been married… something is wrong with him, or he’s fabulously gay and you should snatch him up as your new best friend. If he’s straight… umm… good luck. Statistics are not on your side… but good luck.

8. If you have a child under the age of 2- you have absolutely no business whatsoever internet dating. I’ve been emailed by several men with infants… and as much as I love babies- and loved my own more than anything- I can’t imagine that sort of dynamic- and it’s just sort of white trash tacky. Holy Moly… it’s certainly not something I saw coming- that’s for sure.

9. If you are a 65 year old African wild game hunter conservative Republican, perhaps the liberal-leaning 33 year old organic gardening/graphic designing/domestic princess is not for you. Good Freaking Grief. I am contacted by so many strange and oppositional men it’s just creepy. I cannot fathom anything kind I’d have to say to someone who paid an inordinate amount of money to kill a wild animal in Africa. Nothing. In fact I can think of PLENTY to the contrary. Ugh!

10. No uninvited touching. This is a big one. Unless there’s a blazing sign on my  forehead that says “Touch me, please?” don’t even think about it. It puts women in the most uncomfortable situation ever- as many of us are raised to be polite, not make a fuss, be demure, etc. So if you ignore all that- force the whole thing too soon and force her/him to make excuses to get away from you… it’s not going to work.  Anticipation is priceless- and I can confidently place myself in the category of things worth waiting for- so should you 🙂

Either way- the whole thing is stressful,  more than a little creepy and… … exciting. When I least expected it- while I was happily dismantling my internet dating existence… a cool one appeared.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂

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