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My mom is too smart for her own good. We were out on the boat last night when she kissed me on the cheek and said

M- You need to start asking for what you want. Quit apologize for wanting the things that make you happy. You deserve them, but be specific.

J- I hate women that pack around a list of must-haves. Yuck. Unless you’re willing to fit into someone else’s list, don’t make one of your own.

M- Well how has that been working for you?

Good point mom…. good point. So I’m selling out and making my own list.

The perfect boyfriend checklist

  • He must be able to kiss… and with some amount of thought and inspiration behind it. No scary teeth and NO timid little pointy tongues. Gag. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s what makes me cheat. When I don’t like kissing the person I’m with… trouble is on the horizon. I even told my last boyfriend I hated how he kissed me one night. We were drinking margaritas with dinner and I asked him if he’d let me teach him. Didn’t go so well…
  • He must love his mother….and I must love her too. My ex is a dear friend- and he taught me a very good lesson. If you don’t absolutely adore his mother? Run like hell. Even after being divorced for 7 years, I STILL have to put up with the Troll. I can’t stress this enough.
  • He must want to work. I’ve spent enough time with a lazy hippy- and I never want to do it again. HUGE bonus points if he wears a suit to work. Yummy. I’ll happily iron.
  • He must love kids, dogs & extended family. I’ve been accused of being a Martha clone. I love holidays and I love to cook. I love Sunday family dinners and all that goes along with it. He must love it- not just endure it or suffer through it. My mom’s boyfriend said “I could hang out with your Grandma all day, I think you’re incredible for spending this time with her”. See what I mean? That kind. The one who loves the idea of Grandma coming over for dinner.
  • He must be a carnivore… in every sense. No whiny food allergy boys either. Like I said, I’ve paid my hippie dues already.
  • He must love to eat- and love what I cook. I dated the nicest guy who would close his eyes and moan while he ate what I made for dinner. I would have cooked anything for him- and he would have eaten all of it. Not only did he eat well… he generally had me for dessert because I was high on appreciation. Smart guy.
  • He must be my friend. I can’t imagine being with someone I don’t really “like” ever again. You have to be able to have fun together regardless of how bad a situation is. If you’re friends, that’s easy.
  • He must be confident– or at least fake it convincingly. Timid men make me nauseous.
  • He must be jealous– or at the very least protective. Nothing is exciting about a guy who’d be willing to share you.
  • He must have a healthy sex drive. Seriously. No old men either- unless he comes armed with a prescription. It took years in my last relationship to negotiate the slippery slope of erectile dysfunction. I don’t want to do it again.
  • He must be able to dance…otherwise I’m going to want to dance with someone else when we’re out together.
  • He must send flowers, write love notes & surprise me. I get bored easily, be careful.
  • He must know how to cook so it’s not always me doing the cooking….and not just macaroni & cheese either. My ex liked to make brown rice with overcooked veggies & peanut sauce. Puke. I was happy to do all the cooking because it meant I wouldn’t have to eat what he’d made.
  • He must be patient…because I’m a tornado of… everything. I love to sew… knit… garden… build stuff… etc.
  • He must be a good dad if he has kids. Overly permissive parents annoy the hell out of me. Also it would help for someone to understand that my ex is still a member of my family.
  • He must do what he says he’s going to do. Integrity isn’t optional with me.
  • He must make me forget every other man I’ve ever known. See? There’s always some impossibly crazy thing on these lists…but if I’m locking myself into captivity again, it had damn well better be worth it.

Along those lines… there are a few deal breakers too.

  • He can’t smoke. Ugh. Nasty. Never ever again.
  • He can’t be an alcoholic, and he can’t be sober. I want to be able to have a drink, but I don’t want a disaster.
  • He can’t cheat. Like I said before, I will only work to torture him if he does.
  • He can’t be lazy, dirty or lack ambition. IE: no hippies.
  • He can’t have a crazy ex or baby-mama-drama. I dealt with the antichrist of ex-girlfriends for 6 years and every day that I wake up and don’t have to hear about her is another beautiful day in paradise. He also can’t have bratty kids.
  • He can’t be a sissy, or be afraid to get dirty.
  • He can’t be retired or work from home. I’d lose my mind having a man underfoot all day long.
  • He can’t want to live here forever. Some of us don’t LOVE Sandpoint. Some of us have been here FOREVER and would love a break. Some of us HATE snow. I’d be blissfully happy if I could wear a cute little sundress every day and not ruin the heels of my shoes in all that ice & water. I hate boot season.

We shall see… I’m not convinced it’s possible but if this guy existed?

I’d work overtime to make him the happiest man on earth.

11 responses »

  1. Dr. Phil… don’t laugh, has a list to help you with making a list and understand what is more important on the list and what isn’t to you. http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/513 I have a list too… seems to really piss men off that don’t meet it. But I figure if I meet all the criteria on my list, surely some man can too right? They can’t all be losers…

    Reply
  2. At last a criteria!

    Reply
    • Now if only I could stick to the list and not just make the best out of whatever comes my way. Sheesh! It all seems pretty reasonable to me, although after I wrote it I realized why I have such a shark habit.

      Reply
  3. The funny thing is that we both could be bald and men? I suspect your not and I know I’m not bald!

    Reply
  4. And a very attractive face I might say. The funny thing is that there are very few pictures of me. Period. Maybe that’s a good thing! I wouldn’t want to scare people off!

    Reply
  5. This is true. Then again a woman might develop a lust. Its been so long since that has been the case!

    Reply
  6. No comment. I might get in trouble!

    Reply

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