My first condoms

I know, I know… I’m 34… and I have a teenager even…

But I’ve never bought condoms before.

Until today.

I stood there at the condom/tampon section (and damn- what sort of marketing plan is that anyway???). Buy these… and continue to get to buy the stuff to your right? Either way- it works for me. At least 4 people I know walked by while I was frowning at the multitude of cock wrappers you have to choose between.

You’ll be proud to know I resisted the urge to buy the Magnums… even though I really wanted to.

Especially when I saw what it said on the Trojan Magnum Ecstasy package….

“Feels like nothing’s there!”

Um…. I would hope not? If your man wears a Magnum and it doesn’t feel like anything’s there? You need to slow down. Your shit is worn the hell out.

However… Just like every woman knows the best chocolate comes in a gold box… seeing the word Magnum on the condom in your boyfriend’s wallet is even better. It’s like finding oil in your back yard.

Congratulations girlfriend- you’ve won the boyfriend lottery… and that slogan “A winner every day” will have a whole new significance to you now.

I walk up thankful for the self check-out at Safeway. Everything goes smoothly until the stupid condoms… because they don’t weigh anything and the damn thing wont recognize them. Ugh.

Up walks the only attractive male employee in the entire store. Picks up the condoms, grins at me, swipes his little card and throws them back in the bag. I turn red all over again and he winks at me.

Thank GOD I didn’t get the Magnums.

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