I’ve been bar-tending lately. Getting my feet wet, so to speak, before I’m serving full time. It’s been a lot of fun- and I’ve made great tips so far. Though there are some drawbacks.

The Creepers.

There are a few different types of Creeper.

• The Moldy Creeper: This one is two days from death and you can’t help but be a little flattered. If a man that old admires you, you must be doing something right because he’s seen PLENTY of women. Older than your grandfather and always charming. They’re never perverts because they taught men how to treat women in the Olden Days.

• The Dirty Old Man Creeper: Ewww. The worst kind. This guy is right around the same age as your dad, which raises all sorts of horrible thoughts when you start wondering if your dad ever looks at girls your age, like THIS. Gross. I’ve learned to read this one the best…after two beers they don’t even look at my face anymore, it’s straight ahead at the ladies, no shame, no fear. Lousy tippers too.

• The Married Creeper: These guys don’t even bat an eyelash when I openly look at their wedding ring. They’ve come in for some free female attention. Lucky me. They drink 3 or 4 beers, tip you to the moon and wink at you on the way out. Somehow he’s just fucked you in his mind, and he’s thanking you for the attention he used to get at home. He makes you feel dirty… <shudder>…. who’s ready for a shower?

• The Dirty Creeper: Ewww. One or more of the Hippie faction that come in and leer at me. I’m not their type. I’m shaved, perfumed, and in leather shoes from Ann Taylor, not a barter fair. Not my type and I have the hardest time dealing with these guys. Reminds me of the Boat Stealing Asshole. If you get a .75 tip out of these losers, you’ve made a hell of an impression. Stinky and cheap.

• The Baby Creepers: The frat boys, the young yuppie businessmen. The hot ones. My favorites. If I’m going to be flirting with strange men, I’d at least like them to be attractive and smell good. These are my people. I got a $25 tip from 3 of them the other day, for a single beer. These are the creepers I marry. They are also a huge bunch of lying cheaters. Aw well, I suppose you can’t have everything. Beefcake is expensive.

All in all- I love my new job… and dealing with the wide variety of Creepers only helps me to be more confident. The worst one was this past Sunday.

C- So do you work all night?

J- No, I’m off pretty soon.

C- Wanna hang out?

J- I can’t, sorry.

C- What if I come back for Oktoberfest, then will you have time?

J- Actually I’m seeing someone, but thanks.

C- I might just have to throw a bag over your head and kidnap you!

WTF? Men are so damn weird sometimes.

J- … … I’m not really sure what to say to that.

at this point his friend has his face in his hands…

F- Dude, she’s being polite, you’re making a total ass of yourself, leave her alone.

C- Hey when you see something you like you have to go for it man.

J- You should listen to your friend.

They left laughing and it was all good… but I’m always amazed at Creeper moves. I don’t know how he thought I’d be excited at the thought of a forced abduction.

Fucking Creeper.