Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

You Fucking Suck

I’ve learned to dislike a few new things in my first few weeks of serving. Think of it as a little waitress PSA.

1. Canadians. Yeah you. You fucking suck, eh? You don’t tip for shit, and it’s embarrassing to your entire country. We all judge you. We all dread getting your tip. It doesn’t help that you’re friendly. I’d rather you be an asshole that tips well than a nice person who leaves me $1. Fuck you. I’m at work, Canuck, and I’m not here to wait on you for my damned health. 20% assholes, which you can afford because you have nationalized health care.

2. Assholes. By assholes I mean you dick-bags at the bar who comment on my boobs. Granted… I’m not hiding them from you- I’m providing a friendly and welcoming view without being gratuitous and/or showing any cleavage. I have plenty, I could throw down… and win. I’m not playing to win, I’m working. I’m delivering your food & booze and you should be thankful and appreciative as a result. If there’s a nice view too? Be twice as thankful… and remember what your mom told you. If you don’t have anything nice to say? Shut the fuck up- and tip the nice lady with the big boobs.

3. Bitchy women. No you can’t have 8 samples for free. No you can’t have a salmon caesar as a side salad for the $1.00 a side salad costs. Why? Because that’s the way it IS. Go ahead- be a bitch. Tip me $1. I don’t fucking care. I can get off work and go home… but when you wake up tomorrow? You’re still going to be a bitch. I guarantee. Look at me when you ask me for the 400th thing. Say thank you if you can manage. Or don’t. I know your type already. I will be sugar sweet to you, bring you everything you can (and will) possibly dream up… and not even begrudge you the $2 tip you leave. I don’t have to hate you… because I’m happier than you….and hotter…. which is why you’re such a bitch to me. Ha ha hah ha. Bitch- buy your own implants and quit sucking so fucking bad.

4. Kids… GASP. I know…right? I pride myself on being supermom. It’s the soul of my identity. It’s all I’ve ever known myself to be. A mommy. But DAMN. There are some asshole kids out there- and honestly? They come from asshole parents. I had a table today that stayed for FUCKING hours. I know they’re regulars. I know their kids from volunteering in school. Their little boy is seriously Satan’s spawn. I walked past him in the office once when he was in kindergarten (ie: 5 yrs old)

SS- FUCK you!

J- Excuse me? You better watch your mouth- don’t you talk like that to me!

SS- I don’t care what you say- FUCK YOU!

The little shitbag is screaming. I’m a volunteer, I do not have to take shit from some little brat.

J- You know what? I bet your parents are ashamed of your behavior and your language. My kids are good kids- I’m proud of them. I’m sad for your mommy. You should be a good boy so she doesn’t have to be sad or ashamed of you.

Fast forward to today… when their parents are ordering them Pepsi, but won’t let them have french fries… they have to have chicken noodle soup… you know… because fried food is bad for you. WTF. People should have to apply for a permit to breed. The kids are running from table to table, knocking things over and just making my life a living hell. Just when I think it’s over? The parents and monsters move to the bar. The one kid is throwing things into the trash can from across my bar, and the other one is shouting “I WANT MONEY” while I’m counting change out to someone.” Monsters, truly…. but only because their parents allow it. Good boys- healthy kids… shitty absent parents. That said? I hate when kids come in. I heard screaming and shit falling over for 2 hours today in the middle of juggling 6-8 tables alone. It was stressful- and that damn mother should have tipped me an extra $20 for the drinks I had after work that her kids had necessitated. Hey lady- you fucking suck, please don’t breed again.

5. Impatient people- Newsflash genius. If you come in at the same time as everyone else, it’s going to take a while for you to get your food. You’re going to wait. It’s real life. We only have so many people in the kitchen and they can only make your food so fast. They have to make it in order with everything else that comes in. You can’t make it go any faster by being impatient. You can slow it down though… because your calling me over to complain every 5 seconds only means I’m that much further away from your food when it is done. Sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and be patient. Look around, see how many people are there. Face reality and realize you fucking suck worse than anyone. You make my day LONG. You ruin it if you’re especially awful. Don’t. Please. I’m always tempted to ask these people where they work so I could go fuck with them at their job. When exactly do people lose touch with reality and treat the people that serve them, so poorly? At any rate- I’m Catholic… and fairly certain that kind of behavior lands you in hell.

There’s nothing like a day that inspires me to write something with an F-bomb in the title.

Categories: Whine/Rant

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