30 Days of Truth, Day 26

30 Days of Truth, Day 26- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

It was 1998. I made the grave error of having an affair… and it tore my life apart. My marriage was on the rocks, I had a 3 year old angel counting on me and I’d let everyone down.

Add to that, I was so devastatingly heartbroken I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I missed him so much I wanted to die just to get away from the constant suffering of living without him. He’d played me like a fiddle- said everything I could possibly want to hear and blew my mind sexually when I’d been having ordinary boring married sex with my husband. I’d lost my sex drive entirely- and really any interest I’d had in sex prior to us having our son. The man may as well have thrown lighter fluid on me… and reminded me who I used to be.

Dealing with the ramifications of it was beyond horrible. It was beyond a mistake. It was torture and addiction, combined. I started running in the mornings, desperate to get away from the thoughts in my head, stone cold sober and absolutely miserable straight out of my mind. I went running every day for a week… and would sit on the bike path next to the highway. Contemplating just walking out in front of one of the cars going by. I’d drive somewhere by myself in the car and consider just driving off the bridge. I was absolutely totally and completely miserable. Facing hate and hurt in my husband’s eyes every day, absolutely unable to show any of the devastating suffering I was feeling. Miserably miserable. Desperate for relief.

As they say… time heals all wounds and it did, to a point… we ultimately divorced. Being unfaithful will always be my biggest regret- and at the same time, I think it’s what saved us both and allowed us to have another chance at life. No pain, no gain and all that.

There’s a high price to having your cake & eating it too.

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