Once more, from the bottom of the barrel!

I know, I know… I should throw in the towel and abandon this crazy internet dating idea… but to be completely honest? It’s entertaining. When you’re single and bored out of your damn mind? Free entertainment is too good to pass up.

Apparently it’s creeper Thursday, which I didn’t know until I checked my email this morning. Again- brace yourselves.

What a foxy mama!

Once again, Simpely breathtaking, And i would also like to add “HHHHOOOOOTTTTT!!!!! It’s my sister in the pict

Ok… I know some of you are going to give me a hard time about this one, because honestly… he’s kind of cute. However…. if you can capitalize hot and not I… I’m already judging you.

His sister? Huh. I love my brother…but I dont’ LOVVVE my brother. She looks like she LOVVVE’s her brother….. Awkward…..

He has a hat on in every single picture, which leads me to believe he’s rocking the hair island… my least favorite look. Shave, gentlemen, shave, shave, SHAVE! Do not nurse the last strands along, it makes you look dumpy and old. Embrace the glory of a bald head. My mom’s boyfriend shaves every day and he’s absolutely divine. Baby Chicken rocks a shiny head and OMG you have NO IDEA how hot it is till you try it. I’m just sayin… Damn. Embrace it. Leave the fucking island.

Oh Baybeeeee,

I think I love you!…I think… haha I just think it’s amazing that you are an organic farmer, I love you because of that! and I mean that in the way that I love most people. I feel like I’m over intellectualizing what I just said in my head and I have to explain what I mean but hopefully you know what I mean, cause I think if I tried I’d end up talking in circles and making myself sound like more of a fool than I already do… k take care!

Where to start. First off… is that seriously a tattoo on his chest? It’s not a shirt… so he either colored it on himself (again…where to start) or he actually let someone carve that into his skin.

Honestly… I’m not attracted to Asian men. At all. Now let me be clear before I offend anyone- I find some Asian men very attractive… but to completely own my shit? I’m a size girl. I’ve had small… and I’m not interested in shopping on that side of the store, ever again. Skinny penis is for skinny girls and women who hate sex. I’m curvy, rocking 36 DD’s… and I love sex. The last thing I want to see is that type of challenge. Size matters, and you should all know that by now. Anyone who says differently is sparing your feelings. Trust me, I’ve lied about it before.

Now I’m open to the idea that this a racial stereotype, so if a gorgeous Asian man walks up to me, drops trou and shocks the hell out of me? I’ll change my opinion…but it would still be on a case by case basis. So with my shallow assumptions aside… his email.  I pray he’s trying to be funny… but it’s just not. He’s just dead in the water, there’s really no other way to put it.

please.

loved your profile, your spirit, your outlook, and your profession =) happy to see that there are other positively-positioned parents presenting potent possibilities for promising partnerships! =)

-billy

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? Seriously.

Not a single capital letter. Not one. Yet he spent all that time thinking up words that begin with the same letter. I can accept (yet again) that this is an unusually picky part of me, and honestly I’ve only dated one man that could spell in my whole life. One. So perhaps I’m overlooking nice guys by being a spelling Nazi these days… but oh well. More dumb guys for the rest of womankind. For crying out loud, there’s a spell check in every program.

Now look at his picture. Close your eyes and picture him coming at you naked with the intention to penetrate you…Holy No Way. I watch a lot of murder TV. I love Forensic Files. That man is the picture of serial killers. Sorry to judge, but it’s true. Eeek. It mentions my aversion to long hair & facial hair on my profile. He is deserving of my poison for ignoring the details.

All Red

Do you put on lipstick or are your lips naturally that firey red? I’d like to see them wrapped around my cock.

Alrighty then… I guess when they’re 21 they just come right out and say it. I’m a little humbled by the fact he knows how to spell and capitalize… lol… but then he’s in college. Oy Vey. I’m a little at a loss for words, but this is what I said in response (because it’s my civic duty as a woman to steer him in a different direction).

Dear Baby Douche Bag,

It took me a minute to really think about what to say to you. On one hand I’m amused that you’re so bold, and on the other hand? I oughta smack the shit out of you. I’m taking a moment to make a little public service announcement, on behalf of the next woman you approach. Leave your cock out of the first email. Hell, leave it out of the second one too. If you ever want a woman to touch it? Don’t talk to her about it until she asks. Because? It let’s us know you’re a tiny little fella. You’re dead in the water son, and the hat aint doin’ you no favors. Grow up, watch your mouth when you talk to a lady and for the love of all that is holy… make a friend so you have someone to take your picture. Nothing says “I’m a loser” like the bathroom mirror picture. Unless you’re screaming hot…. and let’s face it, you’re not a member of that union.

Internet dating is the single woman’s best form of free entertainment. I’m convinced.

Internet dating round up…

Oh my. Just when I thought it was bleak? I check my internet dating profile. Ha ha ha…. brace yourselves.

Hello grorgeous.

Wow! You sound (and look) awesome, you should live a little closer to Moscow…

Hmm. Nevermind my statement about facial hair and the bone deep urge I’d have to shave him while he slept… learn to spell gorgeous if you’re going to step up to the plate to swing the bat. Uck. Suffice it to say I’m not moving to Moscow any time soon.

I could find you without a map:

You sound very interesting plus, you’re IN the same town !

Lucky me! Does that immediately qualify me for the consolation prize boyfriend? Or do I have to buy a compass and learn how to hide more effectively? No. No. No. Nuff said.


Hey Hotzy

nice pic r thoz real

By those I’m going to assume he’s asking about my breasts… because I’d hope we can all assume to still have our own teeth at 34. Nothing turns me off more than someone with shorthand ghetto abbreviated text-style emails. Nothing. Ok maybe a guy that posts a picture of himself wearing a dual mudflap girl t-shirt. I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t know how to tie a tie, which spells immediate disqualification in my book. Again. Uck. No. Never. Learn to spell, Mr. Delta Bravo.

Helllooooooo Nurse!

Hi there. You’re cute. What’s your name?

Sigh… yeah… I’m cute. I’m also in Idaho and soldier boy lives in South Dakota. I understand the need to flirt with some random stranger, but seriously? This guy is 22, and most definitely lives in a place even less desirable than the place I’m stuck in. Definitely with his mom… or worse. Not to mention… any 22 year old losing all his hair should just abandon it entirely and get rid of the whole Island-of-hair look. Seriously. I love bald men, a whole lot more than the receding hairlines of the world. Let Gillette save your lack of a dating life. Please. Do it for all of us.

Everybody loves cake!

Hey there! You are SO cute! Want to go out some time?

Dear God in heaven… this boy is 19 years old. Where the hell are we gonna go, Chucky Cheese? I could keep going, but I’m simply going to quote what it says in the opening paragraph of his profile and rejoice in the money I save on birth control given the utter disasters that adore me….

I am loud, and quiet. I hate a LOT of people. I spend holidays with the family, but not a whole lot besides that. I desperately want kids, and will take any chance I get to have them.

Yikes & a half. Desperate to have kids and willing to go to sketchy lengths to make it happen? This guy makes me reconsider tubal-ligation.

I think perhaps I should change the title of my book to: “Why I don’t have a boyfriend”

I’m tempted to put a picture up of myself wearing my “I’m on the naughty list” shirt… just for the guaranteed crazies it’s destined to attract.

So long, Ms. Doormat

My vacation begins today. We leave tomorrow morning for Mexico.

It’s been 4 years since I took a vacation. My life has changed exponentially in the last 4 years. I spent two years estranged from my family, and 3 of those 4 years in the worst relationship of my life. Painful years…

The last 4 years have left me vulnerable to bad men, cautious and fairly insecure.

I’ve been putting myself back together again for the past year… and my new job has given me myself back. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I’m not afraid anymore. For the longest time I’ve looked at my life and have felt like a failure for my marriage not working, for the nightmare dating scene I’m drowning in and for the constant uphill battle to get everything done & paid for.

Until I looked in the mirror when I came home last night and realized a few things.

I’m amazing because I do it alone. I don’t rely on a man to pay my way or run my life. I make my own decisions and the drama in my life is all invited. I can just as easily decline all that nonsense. I choose what comes in, and what goes out.

I fail regularly- don’t get me wrong- but I’m consistently failing less, and at a time where people are disappointing me in record numbers. I have learned to face loss head on, instead of playing the victim and expecting someone to comfort me. I juggle a million things and make it look like I’m enjoying it…

Which is not fucking easy.

Most importantly? I take responsibility. I accept my disappointments with grace and strive to be happy.

I had a reality sandwich for dinner last night… and saw some hard truths about myself. I settle for way too little, and I expect nothing from a few people that I do way too much for. I’m a willing doormat, especially when it comes to the man I love. Sad, but true. What I really need is a t-shirt with a little Welcome mat on it.

Hey look! Found one!

I’d buy it… but I’m determined to make the shirt obsolete.

Beginning today, on the first day of my fabulous vacation…. I’m taking off my doormat shirt.

I can finally say…I’d rather stand boldly naked in front of my critics than continue to let them wipe their feet on me.

Amen.