My vacation begins today. We leave tomorrow morning for Mexico.
It’s been 4 years since I took a vacation. My life has changed exponentially in the last 4 years. I spent two years estranged from my family, and 3 of those 4 years in the worst relationship of my life. Painful years…
The last 4 years have left me vulnerable to bad men, cautious and fairly insecure.
I’ve been putting myself back together again for the past year… and my new job has given me myself back. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I’m not afraid anymore. For the longest time I’ve looked at my life and have felt like a failure for my marriage not working, for the nightmare dating scene I’m drowning in and for the constant uphill battle to get everything done & paid for.
Until I looked in the mirror when I came home last night and realized a few things.
I’m amazing because I do it alone. I don’t rely on a man to pay my way or run my life. I make my own decisions and the drama in my life is all invited. I can just as easily decline all that nonsense. I choose what comes in, and what goes out.
I fail regularly- don’t get me wrong- but I’m consistently failing less, and at a time where people are disappointing me in record numbers. I have learned to face loss head on, instead of playing the victim and expecting someone to comfort me. I juggle a million things and make it look like I’m enjoying it…
Which is not fucking easy.
Most importantly? I take responsibility. I accept my disappointments with grace and strive to be happy.
I had a reality sandwich for dinner last night… and saw some hard truths about myself. I settle for way too little, and I expect nothing from a few people that I do way too much for. I’m a willing doormat, especially when it comes to the man I love. Sad, but true. What I really need is a t-shirt with a little Welcome mat on it.
Hey look! Found one!
I’d buy it… but I’m determined to make the shirt obsolete.
Beginning today, on the first day of my fabulous vacation…. I’m taking off my doormat shirt.
I can finally say…I’d rather stand boldly naked in front of my critics than continue to let them wipe their feet on me.