RSS Feed

Once more, from the bottom of the barrel!

Posted on

I know, I know… I should throw in the towel and abandon this crazy internet dating idea… but to be completely honest? It’s entertaining. When you’re single and bored out of your damn mind? Free entertainment is too good to pass up.

Apparently it’s creeper Thursday, which I didn’t know until I checked my email this morning. Again- brace yourselves.

What a foxy mama!

Once again, Simpely breathtaking, And i would also like to add “HHHHOOOOOTTTTT!!!!! It’s my sister in the pict

Ok… I know some of you are going to give me a hard time about this one, because honestly… he’s kind of cute. However…. if you can capitalize hot and not I… I’m already judging you.

His sister? Huh. I love my brother…but I dont’ LOVVVE my brother. She looks like she LOVVVE’s her brother….. Awkward…..

He has a hat on in every single picture, which leads me to believe he’s rocking the hair island… my least favorite look. Shave, gentlemen, shave, shave, SHAVE! Do not nurse the last strands along, it makes you look dumpy and old. Embrace the glory of a bald head. My mom’s boyfriend shaves every day and he’s absolutely divine. Baby Chicken rocks a shiny head and OMG you have NO IDEA how hot it is till you try it. I’m just sayin… Damn. Embrace it. Leave the fucking island.

Oh Baybeeeee,

I think I love you!…I think… haha I just think it’s amazing that you are an organic farmer, I love you because of that! and I mean that in the way that I love most people. I feel like I’m over intellectualizing what I just said in my head and I have to explain what I mean but hopefully you know what I mean, cause I think if I tried I’d end up talking in circles and making myself sound like more of a fool than I already do… k take care!

Where to start. First off… is that seriously a tattoo on his chest? It’s not a shirt… so he either colored it on himself (again…where to start) or he actually let someone carve that into his skin.

Honestly… I’m not attracted to Asian men. At all. Now let me be clear before I offend anyone- I find some Asian men very attractive… but to completely own my shit? I’m a size girl. I’ve had small… and I’m not interested in shopping on that side of the store, ever again. Skinny penis is for skinny girls and women who hate sex. I’m curvy, rocking 36 DD’s… and I love sex. The last thing I want to see is that type of challenge. Size matters, and you should all know that by now. Anyone who says differently is sparing your feelings. Trust me, I’ve lied about it before.

Now I’m open to the idea that this a racial stereotype, so if a gorgeous Asian man walks up to me, drops trou and shocks the hell out of me? I’ll change my opinion…but it would still be on a case by case basis. So with my shallow assumptions aside… his email.  I pray he’s trying to be funny… but it’s just not. He’s just dead in the water, there’s really no other way to put it.

please.

loved your profile, your spirit, your outlook, and your profession =) happy to see that there are other positively-positioned parents presenting potent possibilities for promising partnerships! =)

-billy

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right? Seriously.

Not a single capital letter. Not one. Yet he spent all that time thinking up words that begin with the same letter. I can accept (yet again) that this is an unusually picky part of me, and honestly I’ve only dated one man that could spell in my whole life. One. So perhaps I’m overlooking nice guys by being a spelling Nazi these days… but oh well. More dumb guys for the rest of womankind. For crying out loud, there’s a spell check in every program.

Now look at his picture. Close your eyes and picture him coming at you naked with the intention to penetrate you…Holy No Way. I watch a lot of murder TV. I love Forensic Files. That man is the picture of serial killers. Sorry to judge, but it’s true. Eeek. It mentions my aversion to long hair & facial hair on my profile. He is deserving of my poison for ignoring the details.

All Red

Do you put on lipstick or are your lips naturally that firey red? I’d like to see them wrapped around my cock.

Alrighty then… I guess when they’re 21 they just come right out and say it. I’m a little humbled by the fact he knows how to spell and capitalize… lol… but then he’s in college. Oy Vey. I’m a little at a loss for words, but this is what I said in response (because it’s my civic duty as a woman to steer him in a different direction).

Dear Baby Douche Bag,

It took me a minute to really think about what to say to you. On one hand I’m amused that you’re so bold, and on the other hand? I oughta smack the shit out of you. I’m taking a moment to make a little public service announcement, on behalf of the next woman you approach. Leave your cock out of the first email. Hell, leave it out of the second one too. If you ever want a woman to touch it? Don’t talk to her about it until she asks. Because? It let’s us know you’re a tiny little fella. You’re dead in the water son, and the hat aint doin’ you no favors. Grow up, watch your mouth when you talk to a lady and for the love of all that is holy… make a friend so you have someone to take your picture. Nothing says “I’m a loser” like the bathroom mirror picture. Unless you’re screaming hot…. and let’s face it, you’re not a member of that union.

Internet dating is the single woman’s best form of free entertainment. I’m convinced.

3 responses »

  1. Get your ass off the internet, Miss False Advertisement.

    Reply
    • Like I’m the only one? It seems to be a common problem for you internet creepers. 🙂

      Ok I know you’re married… but I also know you creep.

      People in glass houses shouldn’t talk shit 🙂

      XO

      Reply
  2. Can’t believe I didn’t read this one sooner…don’t know how I missed it. Pure gold.
    Thanks to you I’m now aware of why I’m fascinated with online dating. It’s awesome entertainment.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: