Work was slow enough that I got off a few hours early and figured I’d sit and eat lunch before facing the dreaded grocery store.
Dr. Cocktail Linky had sent me a text earlier this morning-
R- Can we watch the Oregon game at the restaurant?
Oh boy… he’s a jerk too. This guy HAS to have a hot body… he’d die alone if he didn’t have one thing going for him. Can you imagine for a moment, your date watching the football game on your FIRST DATE.
This just keeps getting better.
R- Hey I’m still gonna be hungry for lunch, I’ll come in while you’re working.
Oh helllllllllll no.
I purposely wear something plain. No makeup. I’m looking for an out, I wont lie. Then start to panic a little. I hate being put on the spot… and to have to serve some weirdo I agreed to have dinner with? Uck.
He comes in just as I’m eating lunch… omg… OH HELL NO.
I cannot be seen dating this guy…. I can’t. Let me be clear, I LOVE a man in a suit. In a perfect world? Every man would wear one, all the time. Purely for the visual pleasure. Mmm. Love a man in a tie. It’s a huge weakness of mine and I think we all should enjoy it as a species.
He’s a taupey-tan pile of boring. With a scarf tied around his neck even. Ewww. Like a frat boy gone wrong.
He reminds me instantly of the principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Not a good sign…
I look at him and we both realize it instantly… but I go oblivious on him and pretend to read the paper until the level of discomfort is palpable, then leave. Yikes.
I turned my phone to silent as soon as I realized it was him, and thank GOD because I have 5 text messages from him by the time I get to my car.
R- I’m all done here, where are you?
J- Off early… on my way home.
R- How about coffee?
J- Perfect, but in a half hour? I have to go let the dogs out for a while.
R- Great. See ya in a half hour, you naughty nurse.
OMG I’m so disappointed I can’t rally my friends in the next 30 minutes, but this just goes to show I need to keep internet dating, if only for the material.
I resist the urge to change into my skanky nurse costume, if only just to see how bad it can truly get, and don’t even bother changing out of my work clothes. Why not? I’ve always gone out of my way to dress up, look nice, smell great… and these guys are a bunch of crazies. Sorry. I’ve only had one nice internet date… and I still consider him a dear friend. All the rest of them? Nightmares.Why go to the trouble.
I’d rather get dressed up later and go flirt with Mr. Mystery.
This is the epitome of taking one for the team, ladies & gentlemen.
I meet him downtown for coffee, and a walk…..because he’s athletic. Fuck’s sake it’s hovering around 10 fucking degrees. I feel like pulling out a cigarette and just going full tilt train wreck.
Why not? There’s a first time for everything.
R- I like to run at least 5 miles every day. None of that running inside, I’m a real athletic man. An athlete. I like to exercise with the elements. It only makes my body stronger.
Where’s a damn cigarette when you need one?
I’m texting with Mr. Mystery. Every few seconds. LOL. Doctor Tiny’s getting increasingly agitated and talking about his protein drink and how he doesn’t eat a single carbohydrate.
Good lord. These people should all live on an island together. They should only hang out with other people like them.
Because they fucking annoy the butter, veal, salt, heavy cream & carb loving people of the world. I’m almost sorry I’m not eating dinner with him. I would have ordered the most unhealthy thing on the menu.
With Cheese and butter on top… Oh and a bowl of gravy, please… thank you.
R- So about my naughty nurse.
J- Really? What is that about, anyway. I have to know. We all want to know.
J- Yeah I have a blog. We all want to know what the deal is with your nurse fetish.
R- We all?
J- Yeah. A couple hundred… nothing too much. Things have calmed down finally.
J- A day, yeah.
R- I don’t think it’s so unusual.
J- Um… I’d have to disagree. It’s the first time in history someone asked me to dress up on the first text. That in and of itself is more than a little unusual.
R- All you had to say was no.
J- I did. Maybe you should date a real nurse?
R- Who wants to see the old ball and chain at work?
In between texting the delectable Mr. Mystery… I’m typing the shit this weirdo is saying, into my phone.
He thinks I’m one of those asshole texters… LOLOLOLOL and he’s literally about to snap.
He’s pulling on each end of his drab taupe scarf like crazy… it’s kind of funny.
My phone rings…and I take the call.
S- What cha up to?
J- Not much, ya know… work and stuff.
We have a normal, how ya doing, good to talk to you, take care, kind of conversation… but the boy next to me… Poor Linky…. he’s fucking losing it.
I never imagined being an asshole date could be so much fun? Hell, they do it to us all the time? Why not turn the tables every now and then.
J- Are you hungry? Wanna go have a drink?
I’m cracking up… it’s early afternoon and he looks horrified.
R- I ate at lunchtime and I don’t drink during daylight hours!
J- Even on Sunday? Hmmm… and you like football? Wow. Hey I have to get to work in about an hour, so I should get going.
R- You have to go back to work?
J- Second job.
R- So no dinner tonight?
J- Sorry I have to work. Thanks though!
R- Maybe next time?
Yeah… right…Let’s meet for another painfully frustrating cup of coffee… or better yet? Hours spent eating carb-free food. Tempting.
I’m gonna have to pass Dr. Linky… based on your personality…
Not that your penis pics did you any favors.
Oh and skinny chai tea… Seriously? Chai is tea, not fucking coffee. If I’m not making my own coffee? It sure as hell better have whipped cream and caramel in it.
Sneak peek during lunch…Free.
Ordering the Caramel Machhiato I really wanted.$5
Knowing what you want as a woman and being able to ask for it?………Priceless.
The day I date a man in taupe with a bad mustache, rocking the hair island and a 2 inch penis?
I better have inspired someone to love me enough to assassinate me.