30 Days of Truth, Day 27

30 Days of Truth, Day 27-  What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My sense of humor.

In a week full of chaos… I’m still laughing about it.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the snow? No? ha ha ha… yeah right. $115 to tow my car so the city plow could plow… only they didn’t. The poor lady at the tow place looked at me like I was crazy when I started laughing about it.

J- Aww well, what can you do? I’d rather pay you than walk in the snow, so I guess we can call it a stupidity payment and turn the page.

L- Oh honey, you’re going to get your feet soaked in those pretty heels, want to borrrow my boots?

J- No. Thanks though- I’m determined to avoid those things this winter. I’d rather wade to the car in heels than clunk around in boots.

Her darling husband scraped off the windows of my car, and gave me his ice scraper.

See? There’s a silver lining in every bad day. So I bought an ice scraper for $115… it could have been worse.

Throwing my neck out on my clean the hell out of the house day was especially crushing… but a little karmic. I can accept it- I just can’t turn my head to the left.

Take a muscle relaxer and wash it down with a shot of vodka, that’s what. Hello synergistic effect, thank you, it’s a pleasure to meet you again. Spend the afternoon in and out of the hot tub, thawing a delightful piece of Escolar on my neck, the most fantastic ice pack money can buy.

A little hydrocodone to take the angony away and I didn’t get a damned thing done. I could never be a pill popper, it all turns me into a veggie… and if you think life sucks and you want to feel bad for yourself?

Turn on the Lifetime channel and watch your cares slip away. Seriously, what the fuck and who the fuck is making those movies? I’ve seen nothing but rape, incest, child abuse and meth addiction for the last few hours.

I feel like the quintessential paragon of virtue after spending the afternoon watching Kirstie Alley lock people in her basement.

If you can laugh at foster children being held hostage? You’re working overtime to find something good in every moment.

Ha ha ha…. maybe that’s how she ended up on Jenny Craig. I think she ate a few of them.

Lessons Learned

What’s the point of making New Years Resolutions? I’d rather reflect on the shit I actually accomplished in the last year.

With more hits in a week than the first three years I blogged, combined… now seems like as good a time as any. So we’re two weeks into 2011, I sort of move on my own time frame.

I grew an acre of vegetables in my ridiculously large garden, in spite of the Dirty Boat Stealing asshole telling me I couldn’t do it without him. There’s nothing like raw hate and sheer stubbornness to motivate a girl right into vegetable hoarding.

I learned how to let go, how to love someone without expectations and how to face disappointment with a smile. Ok maybe not a smile

I learned to say no…. and mean it. I retired my job as a doormat.

I earned my fins… and learned to be quite the Shark, myself.

I got my first tattoo… and my second…. and my third. Each one more significant than the last. Always spontaneously and they’ve already taught me to embrace what I love. I realized the value of Kanji first hand last week when a lady was glaring at my tattoo and finally asked what it meant. Being that I didn’t want to go into my whole Shark FAQ… I told her it meant something else. Three cheers for Japanese.

I learned to buy condoms…. and admitted to hating silent sex.

I held my ground… or didn’t… that night is still fuzzy. Here’s hoping, how’s that?

I sharpened my claws and learned to truly enjoy being a bit of a cougar.

I realized how much sexier men are when they’re over 30. If he could say yes, he’d be perfect.

I reminded myself to focus on what’s truly important. I learned to embrace my scandal.

I’ve been peed on… and…. well… whoa.

I continue to love a good tease. Regardless of how frustrated it makes me.

I tortured a nice boyfriend… and outed him on my blog…  I learned that sometimes an apology is all you can give when you’ve been an asshole.

I had the best birthday ever, with a healing intact family, and an adorable boy who danced my feet off.

I accepted what I couldn’t change, and moved the hell on. I put my fine ass on the internet. Thankyouverymuch.

I ran over the dog. FML. Poor Emma…

I had to make a list of the men in my life… and should update it…

I learned to embrace my dress & heels habit… and use it to my advantage.

I avoided making the biggest mistake of my life… and was reintroduced to my sexuality by a divine man in a suit. God bless Armani.

and I fell in love… and it didn’t end well…

Live & Learn