Absolutely NOT.

There are a few reasons I eliminate even the most eligible of bachelor from the prospective pool. A few details that turn Mr. Yes, Please into Mr. No, Never.

Just as we should all have a list of what we’re looking for, we should all have a list of what we will NOT accept, or even consider, for that matter.

This is my list, let’s see if I can stick to it. Chances are good if I do? I’ll be a lot happier.

1. No babies. This is a given, in my book. I absolutely refuse to date anyone with a child that doesn’t sleep through the night. No thank you!!! My kids are both moving into double digits, and my days of missed sleep and teething have LONG since passed. That ship has sailed and I have no desire for a round trip ticket. There are a laundry list of reasons to avoid these guys… but the biggest one? Where there’s a baby, there’s a mommy not too far behind. Uck. I have absolutely no desire to ever deal with babymamadrama EVER again. Blech.

2. NO boys that live at home with mommy. No. No. No. If he can’t chase me around HIS house/apartment… then his days are numbered. Numbered at 0. I have no interest to play the high school Ssshhhhh game ever again. I’m a grown woman, I own my own home. I expect the same from a prospective boyfriend. Hiding from Mom & Dad isn’t at all sexy. It’s pathetic and I’m not interested in pathetic.

3. NO alcoholics. Ewww. Though this one is pretty self explanatory, I feel the need to include Mr. Sloppy. If he can’t handle his liquor, he most definitely can’t handle me. I’ve been known to get a ride home and leave this guy flailing alone in the bar. Don’t hitch your wagon to a train wreck, it can only end badly.

4. NO pot heads, tweakers or drug dealers. Go ahead, roll your eyes with me. Aren’t we all over the lame, inactive stoners of the world? I know I am. Seven years is seven too many. If he can’t face the day without a pipe? He’s a waste of my time, and yours. Trust me. He will forget your birthday, Christmas etc… but he will NEVER forget to pick up a bag. This guy is the definition of fucked up priorities. If random strangers approach your boyfriend for “some”… get thine ass to safe territory.

5. NO unemployed lazy asses. I work hard for what I have and what I want. If he’s not willing to get a J-O-B, he doesn’t qualify for unemployment any more than he qualifies for a date with me. I wont even consider if that means I’m paying for the date. Any job is better than being ok with not having one. I’m wildly attracted to the workaholics of the world, and I treasure my space and time alone. I love attention as much as the next girl, but AFTER he gets off work. I have no interest in being his only focus.

6. No Booty call bandits. You know the type I’m talking about ladies. The guys who only contact you after dark… via text message. These are the same boys who don’t call the next day, though you’re definitely going to hear from him a few weeks down the road when he’s craving another fix of his favorite easy target. It’s my job to summon you if I want you. I’m not an easy target, I’m a stop sign. There’s no shame in telling this guy he’s a douche bag. This is a lose-lose disrespectful guy who couldn’t possibly give a shit less about you or your feelings. I’m always amazed that so many of these guys have little girls. You can’t respect a man who would treat a woman worse than he’d want his daughter treated. The Baby Chicken tops this list, and though it’s a very hard habit to break, I’m determined.

7. No stalkers. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Stalking isn’t sexy. If you make me feel like a caged animal, or like I have to hide from you, or worse, pretend I have a boyfriend? You’re dead in the water. Either step up to the plate and face the fear of rejection or fuck off. My job invites all sorts of this action and it’s just plain creepy. Stalking a woman at work is even worse. I can’t be rude. I can’t tell you to leave me alone… and if you have to ask if I’m avoiding you? The answer is yes. I’m extremely subtle when I want to be. I’m also incredibly obvious when inspired. Don’t make me be mean to you, I’m really good at it.

8. NO musicians. Eww. Never mind that it implies a certain inability to maintain personal hygiene in my little town. It also threatens me with the “he might want to pull out a guitar and sing to me” variable. Yikes. I hate that more than anything. I know some of you may enjoy a little serenade… I don’t. It makes me awkward and turns me OFF. Unless you’re a hot black man who can get up, dance and sing a little Usher to me? Save your breath for the hippy girl in the corner who’d really appreciate your bluegrass love song. I’ll only be thinking of a multitude excuses to avoid you until you finish your song and my phone mysteriously rings, telling me I have an emergency to tend to.

9. No dumb guys. Nothing turns me off more quickly than redneck speak. If he “seen you” and thought “you was” hot? How can you take that nicely? You can’t… unless you’re not a snobby bitch like me. He needs to be aware, pay attention to current events and the world beyond his own back yard. He HAS to sound like he graduated from high school, at least.

10 NO jealous men. This is purely selfish because I’m a raging flirt. The same way I don’t mind men who look at other women… I refuse to be limited to one man. Listen to Beyonce and if you want to lock it down? Put a ring on my finger and take me off the market. Otherwise sack up and deal with the other Sharks in the tank circling the lady you want. Being possessive and/or pissing on my leg to mark your territory will only get thrown out of the pool. Be flattered, for crying out loud… it’s a sign you have good taste. Obsessive jealous men inspire me to cheat. If I’m going to be blamed for something? I’m going to enjoy the crime.

11. No skinny boys. Ew. He must outweigh me. He must be able to lift more than me and get the lid off of the pickle jar for me. I want a man to bruise my thighs with his hands, not his hip bones. There’s something divine about feeling the weight of a man on top of you… and we all notice it when we don’t. Yuck. Been there, done that. No thank you. I could care less if he’s carrying extra weight. If he can both protect and crush me if he isn’t careful? I’m sold.If I worry about defending him from a hothead? I’m already thinking of ways to ditch him FOR the hothead.

12. NO Athletes. Yuck. If he’s a gym rat, a narcissistic sports junkie or a carb hater? He’s dead to me. My ex used to try to catch a look at himself in the windows of the house when he threw the ball. I rest my case. These guys have one track minds… and you’re nowhere to be found in his tape loop. He’s busy remembering every single name of every single player, coach & team from the beginning in history. That leaves little room for remembering you. This destroys any chance you have at a romantic weekend away with him, for the entire year… unless you like the idea of sex with the TV on… and we’re not talking porn… we’re talking Sports Center. If he can’t focus on more than boys & balls? He’s not for me.

13. No Cruel Men. If he has to cut you down to make himself feel better? He’s more a liability than anything. This guy will leave lasting wounds that it will take you years to heal, not to mention the trail of broken hearts you’ll leave in your wake as you remember your own self worth. This is the guy we wish on our worst enemies.

14. NO Playboys. I finally know a few things with ultimate certainty. I. Am. Enough. Enough for any man. Even more than enough at times. I’m not lazy. I give a wicked blowjob. I’m a hellllluva piece of ass. I exhaust a man sexually. I know it because I’ve heard it for YEARS. The day I have to sit around wondering where he’s at because he can’t keep it in his pants for the 8 hours a day he’s at work? HA. Yeah right. I’m open to the idea of an open relationship, but if I’m sitting at home while he’s chasing tail? I’m not sitting. I’m throwing his shit out in the yard and making a few booty calls of my own. Two can play that game… and I am a sore loser.

I love the heat but it hurts when you get burned and you’re only asking for scars when you waste time with boys who still haven’t gotten their shit together.

I could keep going but then I’ll only realize (again) that I should probably throw in the towel and join a convent. The world is full of lousy men but it’s also full of lousy women. I’m not one of them, and if it’s one thing that keeps me going, it’s the knowledge that I completely qualify for one of the rare fantastic men out there wondering the same things I do.

He’s out there, I know it. He’s worth it, just like me.

4 thoughts on “Absolutely NOT.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s