I can’t very well always talk about what I don’t want, and what I don’t like.
My mom made me watch The Secret. So fucking boring I can’t recommend it….but the theory is nice. Asking for what you want, manifests it in your life. Ok. It’s worth a shot at the very least since we’ve covered everything I don’t want, and so far?
I’m approached by cheaters, douche bags & liars. Non-committal, lazy opportunists, OR stalkers. It’s feast or famine… and all I want is an equal. If I have to hide from him or work through feeling rejected, it’s not fun. So my list of favorite men is a bona fide wish list. I know they exist… and I know most of them are married or gay.
I want my own husband, not someone elses… and if he’s marvelous and loves penis, he should have one and I’m fresh out. Know of a rare single fabulous man on this list? Give him my number. I trust you….and I suck at picking one for myself. Help a girl out. 🙂
1. Mr. Dance me into trouble. Mmm. Yes, please. I love a man that can dance more than just about anything. It’s the straw that breaks my conscience back. If he can swing me, spin me & dip me effectively… someone’s getting lucky. I met a gorgeous frat boy in a sport coat this summer who danced me right home. Perhaps it’s the stigma of learning to dance as a teenager? I don’t know… but there are few boys who can dance well, and it’s devastatingly attractive. Especially if he’s well rounded and can get a little nasty too. It’s a powerful thing to have in your arsenal, boys… the ability to dirty dance your lady right into yes, yes, YES!
2. Mr. Romance. Awww. Love this guy. I’m difficult to surprise. I’m too smart. I see it coming… and then it’s just sort of boring. So when it takes me by surprise on a regular basis? I’m done for. I had a guy send me a 30 lb box of candy once. A wide assortment. Everything from Snickers bars, Reese’s Peanut butter cups, etc… and a little note…
G- I’ve tried them all, nothing is as sweet as you.
Stunned. Delighted. Flattered. Inspired. Which is precisely what we all want to be when it comes to the man in our lives, right? It turns us into your dreamgirl. It makes us want to return the feeling. My favorite boyfriend ever used to put jewelry on me while I slept. No presents to open, just little tokens of love. Nothing much… because it really is the thought that counts. Mr. Romance leaves love notes, surprises you in a multitude of ways and always keeps you guessing. Love him. He’s the guy that remains one of your favorites after it’s over.
3. Mr. Heathen. You knew he’d be on this list somewhere. This guy is my favorite. In fact if I’m going to be completely honest, this is the only guy I’ll marry. The others are nice, blah, blah, blah… but this is the only guy I’ll be happy with forever. The guy who bites your neck…just right. He who goes downtown, effectively. The man who owns a fine piece of equipment and knows just how to use it. Sigh. Myyyy favorite. Perfectly aggressive, this is the man who wraps his hand around your throat and it turns you on even after he’s left and you’re holding nothing more than a memory. Yummy on a level you can’t help but want more, more, more of. This man is the cure for all women who say that they don’t like sex. He knows to hold you by the wrists (bonus points if he can hold both with one hand) He knows how to get your clothes off faster than you do, and if he can’t ? He rips them off. I had my shirt ripped off for the first time this summer, and wow… it’s inspired many an orgasm since. He who doesn’t ask for directions, makes no apologies and takes no prisoners. God bless the heathens… especially you Mr. Delicious.
5. Mr. Kiss Me. Shiver… and the heathen is a tough one to top. Usually though, Mr. Kiss Me and Mr. Heathen are one and the same. What good would a heathen be, after all, if he couldn’t kiss? At any rate. This is also my favorite. Kiss me like I’m your favorite thing in the world to eat. Like you want to quit your job and do nothing but kiss me. I love to kiss. I admit to using this skill to get my way. It generally works. An ex recently said to me “I’m sure a woman made that facebook page, no man that had kissed you could hate you” Aww. Nothing is worse than a bad kisser. Kissing the dirty boat stealing asshole was torture. To the point I finally stopped. Eww. It was like fishing around for the pointy head of a snake. Awwwful. If anything motivated me to cheat, it was the opportunity to satisfy my favorite need… to truly be kissed. This is how I landed in trouble with the Shark. I still get goosebumps and wet panties thinking about the way he kisses. Dude… some men just know too much. Mr. Kiss Me makes you feel consumed. Flushed cheeks, heart racing… you’re naked before you can even think about it because you’ve officially been kissed stupid. God love him… I wish the really good ones would give lessons, because there are far too many boys who need one.
6. Mr. Spoil me rotten. Coach bag? Yes, please. Roses & diamonds? Yes, thank you. Skimpy panties from Victoria’s Secret? Hell to the yeah! A trip to Vegas for the weekend to realllllllly be naughty? Welcome to Mr. Spoil me rotten. This man ruins you for the lame uninspired losers of the world. Of which there are so many. I’m getting better at recognizing this one… though unfortunately he’s older and not so hot… but at least he’s learned to compensate? At any rate, my favorite? Big diamonds, vacations, and an obscene amount of lingerie. All of which he got to see. This man is brilliant because when you spoil a woman? She tries to outdo you. This is the ultimate return on an investment. Make your lady feel like a spoiled princess, then hang on, she’s gonna blow your doors off, as often as you like. Because? She gets to brag about you… and they are jeallllllous as hell. There’s not a woman alive that doesn’t love to tell her friends about all the WONDERFUL things her man does. We’re all so tired of telling them the bad news. Mr. Spoil me rotten is only made better when you can share his fabulous-ness with the people that really love you… and even better? With the jealous bitches. Then he’s exceptional. I’m a Miss Spoil me rotten, so I totally deserve this guy. It’d be a battle to the end of who could out-spoil the other. Win, win… right?
7. Mr. Worthy. Aww. I wish I were more attracted to this guy…but he generally isn’t exciting enough. At any rate. This is the guy your friends like. The man your mom really loves. The one who impresses everyone with his manners and how much he adores you. Mr sweet & thoughtful. The guy who takes the trash out and shovels the snow, just because he knows you get tired of doing it. The nice guy who makes you feel loved & protected. (Yawn) I love this guy… I just can’t looooooooove this guy. I’m trying. I promise.
8. Mr. Nice. Not to be confused with Mr. Boring. I have to try to want this guy. I swear I’m really tired of wasting time with Mr. Mean. This is the guy that puts his integrity before anything else. I blatantly propositioned a man once and he said “I would love to, but I promised my niece I’d be there when she woke up in the morning.” Awww. Poor guy missed out, but I give him huge props for being one of those elusive real men. This is the man who says nice things & stands behind his word even when it comes at his own expense. The real deal. Not only does he have a conscience, he listens to it. Not only does he help you when you need it? He helps your mom too. The guy who knows you deserve it and goes out of his way to not only show you…but ruin you a little for the little boys who can’t.
9. Mr Intelligent. The man who makes me feel sexy for my brain as much as my body. The guy who watches the news. He who reads more than Penthouse. He who can spell. Be still my heart. I have a HUGE weakness for a sexy SMART man. Put him in a suit and tie and I’ll forget about a few of my other favorites. My favorite customer at work is smart & sexy… and I absolutely look forward to when he comes in. He makes my craziest night at work, blissful. It doesn’t hurt that he’s Mr. Kiss me & Mr. Heathen as well… (nor do his fabulous ironed dress shirts). Being challenged mentally is equally as tantalizing as any other way. If I have to step up my game to keep up with him? I’m incredibly inspired. Mr. Intelligent inspires me straight into Miss Heathen mode.
10. Mr Suit & Tie. God bless Armani, Dior and Calvin Klein for making men look like men. Nothing inspires Miss Heathen like a man in a tie. <shiver> I’ve said it before and I will say it again….if I could enforce a dress code for the men of the world? I’d put them all in pinstripes, starched collars and cuff links. There are so few of these beautiful specimens in my tiny little redneck town, but if I see one? He moves to the top of my Yes, please, list. There’s something divinely intoxicating to undress a well dressed man. Try it. You’ll be ruined forever for the t-shirt over the head, jean-kicker-off guys. Unbutton him… untie him… slip his cuff links off. Wow. Men are spoiled when it comes to the delicious art of unwrapping the one they want. We have all sorts of little details for them to learn. We deserve the same. Mr. Suit & Tie leaves me biting my lip, slipping his crisp dress shirt on… or better? Tying his beautiful silk tie around my own neck, rocking the Julia Roberts special from Pretty Woman. He’s worth it and he deserves to see your gorgeous pantie & tie clad naked body strut around the room. If only to repay him for being so damn lovely to look at. Bless his beautiful well-dressed heart… I won’t settle for a man who can’t wear a suit and tie ever again.
Ok so the list is shorter than the absolutely not boys of the world, but I firmly believe they do exist, because I’ve met a few.
However… if I could roll them all into one? I would be happily married for the rest of my life.
Tall order, but I’m worth it, and happier single if it meant I had to give these guys up.
What smart, sexy heathen of a kissing, dancing, spoiled princess would I be if I settled for a douche bag?
There are men like Mr. Delicious, who take being a man to the next level. A dancing, kissing, smart, heathen who knows how to dress is irresistible.
See? An equal. That’s all I want.
Easy enough, right?