Ice Queen

There are consequences to every action. Breaking the golden rule results in one very unpleasant thing when it comes to me.

The passive aggressive princess rears her very icy cool head.

I’m your very best friend until you betray me. Then I’m Frosty McIceland. Miss Snow Castle. The queen of everything cold and disinterested.

I don’t care what you have to say. I don’t care how you feel… go where you’d like. I won’t notice… and no, I wont be joining you.

My mom laughed when I talked to her tonight.

M- I’m working on that and you just embrace it? That’s great, ha ah haaa. Don’t you dare pull that post… especially if you aren’t going to say anything. It gets the message across loud and clear. Oh honey, I’m so sorry.

J- Getting mad serves no purpose. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t need to suffer any sort of uncomfortable moment. I’m fine.

M- Ohhh fine. Ouch. I don’t envy anyone on the receiving end of your cold shoulder… I’m just thankful it isn’t me.

I’m sugar sweet with a steel spine. I don’t get mad. I don’t get even. I get gone. I get cold. You cease to exist in my life. I don’t have time for another pain in my ass, thanks.

Because I have amazing friends that I miss every day. I have everything in my life to have a perfect day, every day. I choose carefully what I invite into my life. I’m a classy brat. I make up for my bad taste in men when it comes to my friends. My girlfriends are top shelf women. Cream of the crop.

If you have heartache, jealousy, lies, deceit, problems, bullshit drama, etc in your hands, waiting for me to smile at you and help you out with them like I always have before?

Oh I’m sorry, Fuck you. I’m holding a cocktail, knitting, sewing something cute and pointless. Playing with my kids, serving food, holding a cute boys hand. My hands are full. You’re on your own. Fuck you very much. 🙂

See how easy it is? It’s not personal… well… yeah it is. It’s my very own, very personal way of saying you don’t get the pleasure of occupying minutes in my busy day. You burn a bridge with me and your ass is climbing your way out alone.

No I will not help you. No I will not demean myself to discuss your trashy behavior with you. It’s really very simple.

Act how you want me to treat you. If you want to earn my respect? Respect me. Treat me like the amazing friend I am and I will be there for you at a seconds notice, whenever you need me.

But shit on me and our friendship?

Oh honey… brace yourself, that’s a huge mistake.

There’s not a dick in the world worth the snowstorm.

Yummy

What’s a self respecting sun worshiper to do? I’m FREEZING to death. Ok so perhaps that’s a tad bit dramatic, but still… it’s ridiculously cold and I hate it.

Thankfully I have the answer… and it comes in a glorious 9X13 Pyrex pan of coconutty goodness. Behold!

My very own toasted coconut marshmallows… and because I love you all so much, the recipe.

Toasted Coconut Marshmallows

Soften 4 envelopes of gelatin in 3/4 cup cold water in your mixer. Give it a half hour or so before you start with the cooked mixture.

(If you don’t have a mixer, you can’t have marshmallows, sorry.)

In a saucepan, combine:

3/4 cup water

3 cups granulated sugar

1/2 tsp salt

1 1/4 cup corn syrup

Bust out your handy dandy candy thermometer (again… not optional) and clip it securely on the side of the pan. I’m not messing around when I say securely- I melted my flip flops to my foot once because I was being careless and the sugary molten lava spilled. Ouch and a half… oh and weeks wearing the same melted shoes because anything else bothered the blisters. Do not be careless making these, you will suffer as a result if you do.

Cook the combined ingredients to 244*. Pay attention. Too low a temp will result with you having a ridiculous amount of marshmallow cream. Too long and they’ll be tough and chewy. Eww. Do not walk away and leave them, although it will feel like forever while you stand there, it happens in seconds when you’re not paying attention.

Pour the lava into your mixing bowl and start slow, then build up (without a lava shower) to the highest speed on your mixer. Let it whip for 8-10 minutes.

Add (slowly)

1 tsp vanilla (and don’t buy the cheap stuff, sheesh!)

1 tsp coconut flavor.

Oil a 9X13 Pyrex pan while you wait for them to blend (you can color them too if you want at this point).

Dump the heavenly sticky goo into your pan and top with toasted coconut. Then wait.

Overnight. 😦

My daughter came home while I was making them yesterday and said

I- I wish I had two mouths right now so the mouth explosion was doubled. I wish everything could taste this good.

She’s not exaggerating, they’re THAT good.

Dust your entire life in powdered sugar and cut them with an oiled pizza wheel, being sure to dust each marshmallow on all sides or else your hard work will result in a giant disastrous marshmallow snake. Bag them up and enjoy.

The smell of coconut wafting through the house is almost as good as smelling it on your skin after a day in the sun with tanning lotion. The taste is enough to transport you back in time to your favorite pina colada. They are divine.

Make some, enjoy… and don’t forget to toast one. If you think you’ve had smores before? You haven’t until you’ve made them with a toasted coconut marshmallow.

Mmmm. Yummy…. and let’s all look on the bright side, Punxsutawney Phil says an early spring is on the way!

God love that strange little animal for not seeing his shadow.