We’ve all been there.
We’ve all had some trifling ho after our man.
We know what it is. We see the signs.
Or even better?
He tells us.
My darling Perfectpants has a clinger.
Oddly enough, he tells me every time he gets a call or text from her. It’s become a joke between us because SuperDad went through the same thing with her.
Ms. Delusional needs to buy herself a clue, and fast. Because I’m going to give her one if she doesn’t.
He’s on his way into town yesterday and she invites him to something. He calls me.
P- Wanna go? Maybe that’ll get the point across?
J- Absolutely, just let me change.
I can finally say I’m confident. I can hold my own with the other girls and I’m twice as nice as most of them. I’m funny enough at my own expense if nothing else.
It doesn’t hurt that I’m hot. 🙂
So we go to the event she’d invited him to.
Hand in hand.
Clearly together & damn happy about it if I do say so myself.
She’s clearly surprised, but smiling… until he walks away.
D- So you’re hooking up with him now?
J- We’re together… he’s my boyfriend.
D- Oh good. I’m glad. He was just too all about it for me, and I had to tell him finally that I just didn’t have a place for a nice guy in my life, and asked him if we could just be friends. I hated to crush him though. I’m glad you like him and can hang out with him, he is really nice, thanks!!!
I’m fucking stunned. Silent. Smiling. Not looking at her. Awkward and with so many poisonous things to say in the moment I cling to my base training, and act like a lady. Smile. Avert my eyes. Laugh smugly. Perfect posture. Deep breaths. Pissed off on two levels…
1. That she has the nerve to talk to me about MY Perfectpants. It’s incredibly unprofessional and come on- it’s fucking nasty. Don’t bitch if you get treated like a ho when you act like one…. but don’t make more out of a situation than there is either, especially when you’ve clearly been blown off and passed up for the hotter, smarter, more talented version. Don’t hate baby, keep up. xo I’d like to annoy her as much as she annoys me.
2. That she continues to contact him, after he’s ignored her, is rude… or bores her to death.
As Perfectpants comes back. I’m having a hard time smiling at him, and he knows it immediately.
P- What’s wrong?
J- That crazy bitch just thanked me for taking you off her hands.
J- I’m not kidding.
P- Let’s get out of here.
He grabs me by the hand and we leave… I’m stunned. Reeling a little even. I tell him I want to go get a beer. He agrees.
He’s sugar sweet and so attentive. He kisses my cheek and his phone chirps.
I look at him, see her name and glare at him. I’m fucking over it. So is he when he sees the look on my face.
P- You know I’ve never been interested in her? Right?
J- What the hell? This is her tactic? I’ve heard this story before, but I’m done with it in the middle of my life. Done. Fucking done, to be precise.
He reads the text and starts laughing…
P- Do you want to know what it says?
J- Sure. Dazzle me with her intellect.
P- It says “Well goodbye then, when are you going back home?”
and I’m fucking annoyed. What the fuck is this girl thinking? That he’s going to spend the night with me and with her tomorrow? Really? Is there really that much of a shortage of men? There’s a reason we all refer to her as Crazy.
J- It’s not that I don’t want you to have friends, it’s what she just said to me, and what I know from you being honest with me about the text messages & phone calls. It’s the nature of her efforts, and they directly insult me, as your girlfriend. I respect you as a man, and how you want to handle it or not handle it is up to you. I just know that I’d rather not hang out with her again. Ok?
He picks up his phone and rereads the end of the text…
P- When am I going home?
and he starts laughing, and reads me the words as he types his response.
P- Not until her ovaries are about to burst.
My mouth drops open. Literally.
He already hit send.
The bomb is in the air.
The shit is about to hit the crazy fan.
The shark in me is damn happy he’s willing to cut her off at the knees to keep me happy. I’m a little crazy in love with him at the moment. Loyalty turns me on.
The girlfriend in me wants to hit a bitch. With a bat.
and her response says it all.
D- Wow. Well then.
Ha ha… yeah… peace out, crazy bitch.
Get your own Perfectpants.