Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

The Perfect Shock.

If cheating teaches you anything, it’s how to cover your tracks.

Phone on silent or password protected. I could lose my phone in a sea of enemies and be completely safe.

Perfectpants? Not so much.

After a perfect 4th, falling asleep wrapped up in his arms… and his phone chirps under his pillow.

Hmm.

I wont lie… I spent half the night tossing and turning, thinking about it. I’m not stupid. I know what the ho hours are. If your phone goes off after midnight? It’s because you’re not in bed with that person and they miss you.

At least have the balls to keep it quiet, for fuck’s sake.

I woke up this morning to a pretty broken heart. Missing my son. Spending the first birthday in 16 years without him. A life half lived. A birthday half enjoyed.

I think maybe that’s why I looked?

A close friend warned me. He said the guy was a weasel. I ignored it. I pulled my soapbox out and took a stand to have a little faith, trust a little freely- and give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Until just now.

I rolled over… and he started snoring.

I pulled the trigger. Fueled by heartache maybe? I don’t know. At any rate, when I slid my hand under his pillow and felt the smooth edge of his phone, my heart started to race.

I already know… I already feel what’s about to hit me.

Big fat alligator tears start to roll off my cheeks and into my ears. I don’t even know how to use a Blackberry. I push the button on the front and up pops a text dialog between him and some girl named Marissa.

His other girlfriend?

Who misses him?

Who hopes he had a great 4th with his family… and when will he be back???  Because she misses him?

P- Wednesday morning love, I miss you too.

Hot flashes coursing through my body. My stomach immediately in knots. My tears stopping on a dime.

OMG… I should have listened. I should have known…

All that glitters is not gold- and if he’s Perfect anything? He’s a Perfect Liar.

Done. Done. Done.

Throwing in the towel and calling it a fucking disaster day already… on a birthday I was already dreading.

I think I’ll sew my vagina shut and adopt a dozen cats.

Clearly I have no business trying to have a man in my life.

Categories: Whine/Rant

8 replies

  1. Oh, Jenni. This post made my blood run cold. I have been there so many, many times… that moment when your dream of this man that you invested your heart and hopes and faith in disintegrates in front of you, leaving a gaping hole. Dear Lord, do I know that feeling.

    But I am going to take issue — strongly and unequivocally — with your assessment that you have no business trying to have a man in your life. Bring it all and I’ll still win this one, Jenni, because this is about him, not you. I’m all for taking personal responsibility and owning your own part in whatever tragedy occurs, but this is not about what you did wrong or what’s wrong with you. This is about a man who is collecting women instead of investing in just one. His deceit and duplicity is about HIS lack of character, not yours. I don’t know you and we may have nothing at all in common, but I know enough to know that you DO deserve someone to love you as fully and completely and honestly as you seem capable of doing. And I suspect I’m not alone in thinking so.

    And while you’re busy flogging yourself for caring about someone who wasn’t worth it, just remember that it happens to all of us. Doesn’t matter our age, our education, our experience level with men. Happens to ALL OF US.

    I’ve been following this post thread about Perfectpants and wondering where it would lead. I have a theory (hammered home by my therapist) that too perfect, too soon is fantasy and not real, but the romantic in me wants so much to think that it’s possible. But more and more, I see evidence to support my non-romantic theory. Even in my own life — James and I have been seeing each other for 10 months, and broke up twice during that time (not because of other people; just because we were at different places in terms of what we wanted), and we only hit the truly giddy, crazy stage a month ago. I’ve never had a relationship like this before.

    I know that somebody amazing is out there for you, and I’m so very, very sorry that Perfectpants wasn’t it. I can’t wait to read about your happy ending. I think I have more faith in that outcome for you than you do. 🙂

    Hang on. Just get through it. Keep pushing forward.

    We’re all riding this with you.

    • Oh. My. God… wtf is wrong with me anyway? I have to be the absolute unluckiest girl in the world because if there’s one even worse off? Her and I should be friends.

      He’s furious at me for thinking he’s cheating. He resolutely denies it.

      Where do you go with that?

      • Where do you go with that? That’s a great question and I’ll give you the best answer I’ve got:

        By the time we’re all grown-ups, even people who haven’t been cheated on have the seen the excruciating pain that it causes. So, he shouldn’t be furious. He should be appalled. Aghast. Horrified that something that he did caused you this kind of pain. If he isn’t cheating, he has nothing to be angry about. If he isn’t cheating, he shouldn’t be calling you crazy for thinking so. He should be apologizing for the confusion. He should be explaining every last detail of misunderstanding, and — let’s be honest here — every smart woman with her radar on full-blast knows a lie when she hears it, so you’d know if he was lying about any of it. He should be validating the fact that any normal woman of decent intelligence would have drawn exactly the same conclusion. He should not be blaming you for any of it. Nothing that you did, including ending things with him and checking his phone, rises to the level of what it appears that he’s done. And he knows it. And that’s what’s pissing him off. He fucked it all up and now it’s raining down on him.

        For once I agree with T. Don’t call him. Don’t contact him at all. If you are the one that he can’t live without, he will be back. He will go off and try to forget about you and fail miserably. Trust me on this. You already know I’m right.

  2. Oh, I’m so sorry! I don’t have much to say, as I’m sure you are feeling so much right now. I’m on your side.

  3. argh…am feeling for you…tragic but necessary that you found out… perfect pants forgot something really basic…

    When you’ve got a girl who wants you to fuck her in the wildest of ways and as often as possible, it’s about manning-up and handling her need while taking care of the selfish bastard you are at the same time…

    My selfish ways? They are only about making sure i blow her mind constantly…if I’m doing that? i don’t have enough time or energy for another woman on the side…

    Don’t get me wrong, i’ve had a lot of girls on the side when I didn’t really feel like being a monogamous bastard, but sometimes i get inspired to spend all of my energy directed to one amazing girl who deserves it…

    Don’t give pants another call…don’t give him the time of day…let him know that he’s lost a prize and he’ll never have it again…

    T.

    • Would that I have the willpower you do. Of course I called him- this is ME we’re talking about… lol 🙂

      Again, we should clone you and hand you out purely for the way your mind works.

      xo

  4. I rule by simple chaos theory…if a situation can be easy maintained, what happens when you introduce a but of mayhem? This is a situtaion you are not able to maintain and get your just desserts out of… I’m a child…don’t get me wrong, i will spin out of control in a quick 3 seconds if my needs are not met and I’ll fill my bed nightly with some amazing girls…but if I’ve got someone who is wearing me out at record speed and I feel like I’m being supported with the recognition I want? Well I wouldn’t let that girl outta my site… she wouldn’t want to be more than a few steps away due to the amazing way i would treat her…

    I sincerely hope that you’re not going to give him the time of day since he’s obviously going to waste your time and efforts….

    T.

    • I will never ignore your advice again…. on a stack of bibles.

      “She wouldn’t want to be more than a few steps away due to the amazing way I would treat her…”

      Again… I love you.

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