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No More Dick.

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None.

PERIOD.

Perhaps that’s the excuse I’ll use?

J- I’m sorry. I’ve decided to have my period for the rest of my natural life.

No. That sounds horrible… even as an excuse. That’s something you don’t want to wish on yourself.

But… in my experience thus far?

We have a few types of dicks out kicking around in the world.

Liars: Oh boy this is fun. It’s like a scavenger hunt for reality, only scavenger hunts are exciting. This guy? Not so much. This guy guarantees you’ll be jealous and frustrated. Skip the douche bag and go bathing suit shopping if you really want to feel that way. Avoid the Perfectpants section.

Cheaters: Wow. Nothing quite like thinking (or worse, knowing) that the sheets wont cool between you and his next conquest. Don’t bother leaving something of yours at his house, it wont be there when you get back. This guy will happily buy you another toothbrush just for the ease and convenience of throwing yours away before his other girlfriend sees it. He’ll buy the same color- you may not even know. Nothing eats away at your soul like being cheated on. It isn’t the act. It’s the reality that you personally are not enough for that person.What you need to remember, is that nobody is. It’s not us, it’s him. Really.

Never Married, over 30: Oh. Well… I’ll be honest. The biggest universal red flag I learned while Internet dating for a year, was this: If he’s over 30 and doesn’t at least have a failed marriage or 3+ year long term relationship under his belt? RUN. Don’t even touch your ice water. Excuse yourself gracefully and change your number. These are the guys who make you a collage of pictures… of YOUR face.

Stalkers: Oh joy. We all know how much fun I’ve had with this one. NOTHING affects these guys. I’ve been a raging bitch to the bedwetter. Not because I am one or want to behave like one… but because NOTHING ELSE WORKS. Even after putting on my cunt panties and hate blogging him? He came up to me the last time we were in the same place.

B- Hey.

He touched my back and I flinched away from him. I looked back, saw that it was him, and turned my back to him again.

B- Is that how it’s gonna be?

Um.. are you fucking kidding me? I dated this guy for 21 days and it has literally taken 8 months to get him to leave me alone.

No habla stalker, ya fuckin’ crackpots.

Mama’s Boys: I love a good son. I love a man who loves his mama. I love, love, love a man who wants to help her whenever he can. Love him. But. At a certain point? I need to be the lady in his life. At certain times? Mama’s calls need to go unanswered…. and when Mama misses him so he has to stay at her house, thereby affecting my sex life? It’s over. Every baby has to give up the pacifier at some point… but there are men that haven’t. Ew. No thanks.

Lazy Asses: I work my ass off. Literally. I’m juggling so much it should be criminal. I should be given assistance in the garden purely to spare my body the bone breaking struggle it is these days. The thought of dating a lazy unemployed stoner like the Dirty Boat Stealing Asshole ever again? Makes me want to vom. I’d poison him, I can’t even lie. Watching him sit around while I worked this hard? No. I’d be in jail in a month, trying to explain how he ate the arsenic laced cupcakes.

Thanks to Toy With Me?

We all have access to the perfect penis… which can’t lie, cheat, stalk you, disappoint you OR eat all your food and sleep on your couch.

Always hard, always available when you want. Any size you want, even.

Done, done, and done.

Hello celibacy.

One response »

  1. Pingback: No More Dick. |

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