The New Man in my Life

Before you all keel over in horror, relax… I’m still clinging to the hope I can wash my hands of men for the rest of my natural life.

He’s my new puppy. The best little man I’ve met in ages.

Meet Tucker Max, my little 2 pound Yorkshire Terrier.

He’s exceptional, and started out with nothing but the fleas bouncing off his shoulders.

I rescued Tucker Max on Facebook… through a friend of a friend. I fell in love with his little face in a minute and just as quickly I’d set up a time to go pick him up the next day.

Sober One Kenobe came with me. Pulling into the mall parking lot, I could see the tiny little brown & black fluff in her arms.

Oh.

I love a baby better than just about anything. Babies, kittens, puppies… baby chickens…

You name it, if it’s tiny, innocent & needs me to love it?

I’m sold.

Getting out of the car, I can see the frustration in her face. Uh oh…

She can’t pass him over to me fast enough and I’m ooohing and ahhhing like a little girl. So is my girlfriend.

He is SO cute.

She hands us a bag of dog food, a dish or two, a bag of puppy pee pads, and looks at him one last time.

L- Oh. He really is cute… he just has a lot of energy and gets into EVERYTHING. He does know what No means. Not that he listens to it much.

I pat him on his little fuzzy back. Awww… my little baby. Names rolling through my head. Bentley? Barclay? Midget?

L- Oh he might have picked up a few fleas from the cat. Take care! Have fun! Thank YOU!

Everything came to a screeching halt when I heard the word flea. He looks up at me with the cutest little face ever, and we get back into the car with him.

MSOK- Did she say fleas?

J- Eww. He’s not touching the ground when we get home, it’s straight into the flea bath with him.

He’s on my lap and I’m driving through the mall parking lot, searching for the nearest exit- anxious to get him home. Horrified that he’s flea infested. Eww. I stop at the stop sign and part the hair on his back, and he has open bleeding wounds all across his back…. and there are fleas visibly crawling on him.

I want to die a little, I can’t lie. Eww.

MSOK- She just didn’t want him, or what?

J- She lives next door to a crack house. She heard him barking & howling for a week before she went over to see WTF was going on. He was all alone, and had gone to the bathroom all over the house. No food or water. So she took him home with her. It took her a week to find the lady who owned him. Ms. Crack Head told her she’d been sentenced to a year of rehab or a year of jail and she’d be back in a week. She’d only had the puppy 3 days before she’d been arrested. Her neighbor was clearly not willing to babysit for a year, which is how he came to live at our house.

MSOK- A legitimate crack baby.

J- Complete with fleas.

MSOK- What are you gonna name him?

J- Tucker Max. After my favorite man. That adorable little flea infested crack baby could have anything he wants and he’ll definitely get away with murder. He’ll ruin some of my favorite things and he’ll make me laugh when the day seems endlessly horrible. It’s the perfect name for him.

MSOK- It is perfect!

I’ve said since I started reading Tucker Max for the first time, that he’s the perfect man.

He’s not a bad person, he’s just honest about what he’s done… and I fucking love him.

All the bullshit about him embelishing, etc… good LORD- it’s writing- it’s how it’s done- and chances are very very good that it’s all true. I have a lot of guy friends… and honestly there are a lot of men born without a conscience or a moral compass.

I ♥ Tucker Max, so much I just might have to buy my little Tucker a tiny megaphone…

Or a midget…

9 thoughts on “The New Man in my Life

  1. OMG! Poor baby! That how I got my cat, half starved to death as a little innocent kitten by some crack head biotch…ugh! Thank god you saved him!
    On, another note, I had no Idea who Tucker Max was and I could never relate to your post’s untill last night when I watched “I hope they serve beer in hell” which I find is base on a book. As I was watching, and laughing histarically to Drews nagging drawl of “If I was Tucker I would shut the fuck up” I had a moment of clarity….Oh, Tucker Max…Now I get it BAHAHAHHAHA! Any ways, everything you have ever posted about him, suddenly just made sense to me; and I have been laughing ever since! Take care of little Tucker and burn that bitches shit to ashes! Love ya doll!

  2. if that really is THE Tucker Max that commented on this, I wonder if he knows that there is an entire following of fans just chilling at a hole in the wall bar in Sandpoint, Idaho??? haha Jenni, i fucking miss you. Lets stalk Tucker Max on tour and REALLY die happy. eh?

    love always, the debaucherous BLOGTASTIC ❤

    1. The real deal. Mr. Tucker Max himself. OMG… right???!!!

      I posted the link on the wall of the FB profile for “I hope they serve beer in hell” and whaddya know… he actually clicked on it. He actually read it. He actually commented.

      Good Lord in the morning, I love that man….. and I love you too! Now come home and pack for our tour.

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