When you touch me… fever when you hold me tight…

But when you lie to me and sleep with someone else the ENTIRE time we’re together?

I throw a party.

The First Annual Nathan Roast. Yep, first…because this guy is such a parasite I’ll have this party until the day I die purely to provide a warning to the other women unfortunate enough to cross his path. Thank GOD for Google.

Public on Facebook. Pictures public too. I’ll acknowledge my stupidity in a second to save someone from being his next victim.

He targets ladies. Pretty girls. Women. Good ones… the kind of girl you need to immediately take home to your mama, just so she knows she did a good job raising you.

THAT girl. The one you marry. The one you treasure because she makes your life resemble “Leave It To Beaver”.

We’re a dying breed, y’all… this guy has to be stopped for the sake of domestic goddess civilization. We’re endangered, and he’s a noxious weed… choking all us lovely little flowers out…

His cryptonite? He’s attracted to amazing women… but this time?

He shook the wrong hive.

Darling Mrs. First bought him these socks and had one request.

F- Spit on those for me before you throw them in.

I picked them up, and realized something about all of us. I handed one to Ms. Babymama and told her we had to spit on them before we threw them in. We both froze.

I’m a lady. I don’t spit on anything. Ever. I can tell by the look on Babymama’s face that she’s having the same thought.

J- I’m a lady… I don’t know how to spit.

B- Me either.

If there were ever a time to learn, it’s now. They burned quickly in spite of being spat on.

We started the fire with wood from the Dirty Boat Stealing Asshole. We burned old love letters, etc… it was fantastic.

Then the real stuff came into play…. the gift he bought for poor sweet Babymama…

Second edition, indeed.

The dog toy… which made me so sad at first. Until I talked to Marissa, or Ms. Other White Meat. He told her the dog lost it and they bought a new one, together. I hope she thinks of the truth she knows every time she looks at it. I swear… women can be so fucking stupid sometimes.

Sorry Remington… some people are just cursed with a douche bag for a dad.

I emailed his mom to apologize. I feel horrible for the drama hitting a few weeks before his brother’s wedding. Nothing back. Why? Because they’ve created this monster by financing the lies. It’s one thing to be successful. It’s one thing to share that success with your children. It’s another thing to facilitate someone ruining other people.

I happily volunteer to help undo the damage they’ve enabled.

We burned his bullshit. We burned the stupid Cornhuskers shit he buys everyone. The crotchless panties he gave us all…what an unoriginal piece of trash…

Speaking of trash… it was time to burn his uniform. Who impersonates a soldier? Who claims to be a Ranger who’s never enlisted?  His reason is that he’s special forces, he’s a big shot. You have to have General clearance to get his records.

You shouldn’t cheat on a General’s niece… should you? You definitely shouldn’t mess with a girl who has a fleet of  Special Forces & Pararescuemen as best friends.

Because it only took two calls… to establish finally- that Nathan has NEVER enlisted. He’s NEVER been a soldier and even more so? He couldn’t hack it in military school. Had to beg his mommy to get him out early.

So the next item up? His bullshit Army t-shirt he had the audacity to wear on the 4th of July. He had the balls to salute back when the veterans walked by. Someone bought him a beer because of the shirt. This guy deserves to burn just as quickly as his favorite went up.

Good thing he knows where to order this shit online. He’ll have a new one in days. It’s his thing.

Creepy, huh?

But not as creepy as the ultimate kindling. His favorite blanket. The blanket he’s wrapped around a lot of us. The blanket he then wrapped his baby in…

This man is past Jesus…

We reclaimed our pride last night, and the faith we all have in our own judgement. We all deserve better. We all deserve the truth.

Everyone deserves better than Nathan.

Even the stupid girls. Even Marissa. Even if they don’t know it yet.

So we wore that blanket in style… one last time. With our arms wrapped around each other, bonded by a heartache neither of us ever deserved, from a douchebag that was NEVER worthy.

Who’s laughing now, Nathan?

My pretty purple orchid smiling up at me. Surrounded by friends old and new. In love with the fact that I’m finally not the stupid girl still sitting next to him, convinced that those “other jealous bitches” just can’t handle that “he only wants me”.

Please… <eyeroll>

I’ve been looking forward to this all week… since I first had the idea.

All this time I thought this thing was going to put the fire out. I was sure polyester was a bonfire buzz kill…

Nope.

It went right up in seconds…

and he was gone as fast as he came into my beautiful life… and finally providing something helpful.

I made the perfect toasted coconut smore over the flames of his favorites.

Sweet, delicious closure… with a mouthful of something that tastes better than he’ll ever be able to cook, surrounded by a bunch of amazing new girlfriends.

♥ – ♥ – ♥

Thanks Nathan… now go contract AIDS and die alone like you deserve.