Kiss Me Slowly…

Oh the magic of the perfect kiss…

Is there anything that comes close?

No.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the only factor…

Actually…. hmm… yeah it is.

I’ve dated some bad kissers in my life, thinking foolishly that I could gently coax them into new moves… with absolutely no luck. Not to mention, if you have to teach him, do you really want to keep him? No.

I could burn an entire day kissing, though I’m fairly confident that doesn’t qualify as burning a day…

But.

We’ve all had some pretty horrible experiences kissing too, I’d be willing to guess. I sure have, recently even.

The Dog: If I never kiss this guy again it will be too soon. This is the guy who coats your entire face, quite possibly to your forehead; with his saliva. If you feel cold wet slobber from your chin to your eyes…. you’ve had the misfortune of meeting the guy who got his moves from his dog. Run, there’s absolutely no way to retrain this guy, his only hope is to find Ms. Saint Bernard.

The Snake: Oh dear God in heaven… these are the worst, and there’s no nice way to say:

J- Excuse me sweetie, but would you please quit sticking your very snake like tongue into my mouth. It’s a muscle, work with me here before I panic about the thoughts in my head which are likening your tongue to some sort of immobile pointy head of a reptile. Stop pointy-tongue-jabbing me.

The DBSA and the Vagina Hoarder own this title, and if I never kiss either of them again (which is a safe bet, since it’d have to be with a gun to my head) it’d be too soon. Some boys should have to take remedial classes…. from someone else. Just thinking about kissing the boat thief gives me the shivers.

The Oral Explorer: Not the guy to go anywhere near if you’re tired or sick. This guy is either too excited about you or figures he can violate your mouth to the point you beg him for sex instead- anything to stop the full frontal assault on your mouth. Less is more fellas, less is more. If I can feel your molars on the corners of my mouth? You’ve gone WAY too far. Think of me as an ice cream cone, not an apple.

The Teeth Bandit: Ok I love a biter, but this guy gets an F in one of my most desirable categories. He bites your lips, your chin, your tongue even. Yeah. It’s awful. Nothing is worse than crashing teeth when you’re feeling soft, sweet and intimate and this guy could chip a tooth if you aren’t careful. Cut and run at the first signs, he’s destined to do nothing but gnaw on you… or worse, land you at the Dentist.

The Amputee: Someone must have cut off his tongue because it’s missing. He’s the dry humper of kissing and it is a deal breaker deluxe, not to mention painfully awkward to navigate out of. It’s the equivalent of kissing a fish.

The Creeper: The guy who stares at you the whole time. Umm… close your eyes and focus on kissing me until I can’t see you, even with my eyes open. This just creeps me out, I could be alone in this.

Mr. Toxicbreath: Nothing, absolutely nothing on earth is worse than kissing someone with horrible breath. I’m a teeth girl. I love beautiful teeth and I love to kiss and you had better not make me regret it when you’re an inch from my lips. This guy makes you want to duck out from underneath him, just to guarantee you don’t have to smell his breath again. Breath mints are $2, invest. Taste so good I crave the flavor of you, after you’ve gone. It’s incredibly easy and affordable.

Mr. Limp: Please, if you only intend to stick your tongue in my mouth and let it take a nap? Don’t. It isn’t fun… in fact it feels like I have to force it back into your mouth. Eww. Horrible visual, and even more awkward of a task.

Sigh… there really are some bad kissers out there. I know many of you will relate.

But…

There’s some really amazing men too, and we can all smile a little and think about him any time someone mentions how nice a good kiss is.

The guy that pulls you in to kiss you by lacing his fingers through your hair, or holding your face.

The man who thinks about kissing as much as he thinks about sex. We’ve all known one.

His lips are soft and he smells good. He’s not in a hurry & he has all day. He’s not searching for your tonsils, he’s tasting you.

The guy who eats you like a peach, not an apple.

The best kissers, kiss you slowly.

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