I’ve run out of words and my inspiration is something I’d rather be selfish with and enjoy all to myself.
My darling T… the very definition of why it was worth it to put my journal online and even more insane- share it with people. Falling in love with this man should be something the rest of you can only speculate about… it’s different, he’s special to me and I’m not sharing. <grin> So, quite honestly my head is full of thoughts I can’t put down because I’m not willing to share him. I’ll post a few pictures of the two of us at some point, how’s that?
It’s been interesting- and I’m thankful I can read back through the past 5 years of my life. I still can’t understand why anyone else does- but it’s still cathartic.
All good things come to an end.
Looking out the window this morning, watching the snow fall and feeling about as sad as a girl can feel without crying. Big things need to change. The whole world, essentially. I want out of this home ownership nightmare. I’m tired of all this responsibility. Life could be a hell of a lot easier- and I’m ready to snap under all this pressure.
Over it. Done. I’m crying mercy. Someone please send a realtor on a white horse down the driveway, lol… before I lose my mind.
I have a million little details to every day. I have a million responsibilities and not enough hours in the day to do it all. Blogging proves to be cathartic- but I don’t have the time anymore- so I’m afraid this really is it.
I may post here and there, but I’m officially unplugging myself and walking away. There are too many people I come in contact with that read this anyway. Y’all have ruined it. It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. I have a second blog that I’m able to be candid on- unpublished, private and at times completely password protected. I’ve learned the true value of anonymity this year.
I’ve learned the value of candor. I can’t really be 100% any more. If I sat down and really wrote like I used to? I’d have death threats- because I used to out people for who they were on a regular basis. Too many people know exactly who I’m talking about when I’m bitching now. That sucks. The fun has gone out of having a bitchy outlet because now I have to see your offended faces in person… and I’m only inspired to piss them off more. I’ve gotten pretty comfy in my bitch panties. I’ve learned to stand up for myself.
I’ve learned to accept responsibility and defeat- and how to manipulate a man with words that glorify him publicly. Some of them get off on it even more when I’m hating them…. and two of them have purchased the domain name of their nickname. I’ve learned the difference between a boy and a man… and ultimately it’s led me to the man of my dreams.
He should be the only one privy to my thoughts. This man who already knows all there is to know- and then some… he’s different- and I’m prepared to approach this with blind faith and the resilient hope that dreams do come true, and that he really does exist…. my T.
He who’s worthy of the words that trickle from my fingertips into his heart- the way his do into mine.
I love you. Each one of you individually. I see the stats each day and it blows my mind. I read your comments and feel like I’m not completely alone in juggling more than three people could manage. I can be a raving cunt and you still come back. I’m not sure why- but thank you. You’ve been there for me in so many ways.
Through parenting with a pushover, through a breakup resulting in my bitching forever about my boat being stolen. Through my being an asshole, a party girl and a slut at times… to my friends sleeping with my boyfriends, my boyfriends sleeping with EVERYONE and my son leaving and hating me. Through the multi-thousand-dollar water leak in the driveway and the car breaking down- for good. It’s just ridiculous how hard this year has been. Truly.
You’ve read along with me being stupid, getting hurt and canning jam. Everything from planting too many tomatoes to making up with my arch nemesis… It’s been a crazy year.
You’ve watched me be loved out loud by an amazing man who I’ve been falling in love with since his first sentence. I love your emails about him- especially those from the haters… keep ‘em coming.
Looking forward I’m somewhat melancholy and the things that used to matter, don’t anymore.I cannot internet date- it’s just too awful when My T is vibrating on my phone in my pocket. I’d rather be on the phone with him than in the company of a hot piece of eye candy, or worse, a weirdo.
I don’t really give a fuck about Christmas, because I feel it in my soul that it will be missing my son. Christmas has always been so special to me- and now it’s just another day… just like all the rest.
I want out. Out of this struggle, out of this nightmare, out of this life in the snow. Out of complaining. Out of crying… and out of being disappointed.
I’m officially done. Tapping out, calling a realtor and exhaling for the first time in years.
Signing off on my blog. Putting all the babies to bed, so to speak.
I love you, I love you, I love you-
Take care… and keep in touch.
Strive to be happy- and go find your own T…