Monthly Archives: December 2011

Down memory lane…

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He came walking in about a half hour before I got off work. Smiling, blonde and beautiful… in a suit.

………………………………

I admit. I have a weakness. If you can tie your own tie, the chance of you tying me up increases exponentially.

A man in dress shoes… makes me blush.

I grew up in Hippieville… I remember the few times I saw a man in a suit and I’ve always been a fan. Give me a clean cut man with a silky soft beautiful neck above his collar? Dear God…

Who need diamonds at that point…???

Not I…

So Mr. Pin Stripe walked in and sat down, smiling. head tilted slightly back. Sharky… I know it when I see it.

P- I’d like a blonde… or your lightest…

Told ya so.

He leaned across me at nearly 6’5″ to put the aprons in my menus….

I mean….

Yeah…

That’s what it was like.

He leaned over me, his necklace fell an inch above my lips and I was enveloped by his cologne…

I sat back on the table behind me and he leaned in…

Good God and Baby Jesus there is nothing better than a good smelling man. Seriously.

…………………………

I laughed and smacked him in the shoulder.

J- Damn you, my boyfriend is out of town, don’t torture your sweet server. Be nice.

P- I’d love to be nice…. out of town huh? What time are you off work?

Sometimes it’s nice to just sit back, smile… and laugh a little at how easy it can be. I spent years frustrated. I spent years unsatisfied.

and now it’s as easy as ordering off a menu and I don’t want it.

I only want one… and nothing else will do.

I can be charming. I’m a flirt. I’m funny, and I’ll make you want to smile along with me. Trust me. I know this about myself.

I’m the insatiable optimistic sister. Smart enough to know better and old enough to recognize real love. Lethal combo if you ask me…

I went on blind dates with my friends loser single friends. Ugh…. I’ll forever remain on three holiday cookie lists purely due to the aftermath of the blind dates they set me up on. Ugh. If you wouldn’t date him yourself, don’t set your dear girlfriend up with him. Seriously. There’s a reason I’ve never set a friend up with a guy. If he’s cool- then I probably wanted to date him myself and if he’s not then I don’t want either of us to waste our time.

I want all of my darling favorite women to find their “lobster”….

because I found mine….

Crazy Busy

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“I wanna feel it sway… and put some feel good in my soul”

Work was insane. The busiest Wednesday in the history of the place. Crazy… and so fun. Wonderful people everywhere. People going out of their way to thank me for everything and for the great service. One of those days where you’re just…

In the zone. Blissfully happy. Enjoying my job, and looking forward to a day off. Waking up to sunshine. The rain that followed only made me happier because it’s washing the snow away. My goodness prayer is powerful. :)

We all laughed through the day and it all went smoothly. It was perfect, and everyone was wonderful. They were all understanding that we were insanely busy and even making it around tables was a challenge… they were patient, over tipped and thanked us. It was a perfectly busy, record breaking day. Seconds between new tables, inching around high chairs and chairs crammed around a table, transforming a 4-top into a 6 top.

I walked through with three burgers and some damned woman stuck her foot out and tripped me and I still caught them… yeesh…. She felt terrible- poor thing. She was apparently imitating an ice skating move. I was carrying more out when she nearly ran into me again and she grimaced.

L- OMG I’m so sorry, I just wanted to give you this-

and she tucked $5 into my apron.

J- No, really it was an accident, that’s not necessary and nothing happened, really.

L- I insist…. and I’m leaving so you’re safe to carry your orders.

Super nice people- all day long…. something that doesn’t happen very often when it’s busy, and definitely not on record breaking days. It was fantastic, and we all made great money because the people were all happy.

The identical twins who spoke at the same time three or four times, laughed at the same time and ordered the same thing.

The girl with downs syndrome that I couldn’t understand. This is the biggest challenge in serving. I love handicapped people. I used to work with mentally retarded adults and it will forever be my favorite job, ever. At $7 an hour it was a financial liability more than anything. I handed them menus and she said…

W- Can I ask you a question? You have makakikas?

I’m instantly awkward. Cycling through a million words in my head and not finding an answer. I start listing sodas and she shakes her head and her dad starts looking for her ID.

W- Teklika makakikas.

Ding, ding, ding. Margaritas. No, we do not- so she orders a beer. I remember people coming in to my old job and judging the handicapped people I loved so much, who happened to be autistic, etc…

Yeah they shout stuff sometimes…. and they’re too honest, and really grouchy sometimes. But aren’t we all?

She hugged me when I took the ticket, and told me she loved her pink beer, and she hoped I had a good day. I had paid for her beer and wrote a little smiley face on the ticket. I remember how much those little things mean to people who take the time to look around, all the time. She left me a note too when they left, and her parents left me a $15 tip on and $18 ticket. I picked it up to run in through and read her note, written in purple ink.

V- Thanks. You are nice and pretty.

Awww… I miss my old job so much. I wish I could make enough money doing it because it was the most rewarding job I’ve ever had, and I loved going to work every day. 9-5 was mighty nice, and I miss being with my kids every night for dinner. My goodness I took so much for granted for so many years. That’s just how it was.

I’m determined to live in the moment and remember to be humble and thankful…. because when you stop and you slow down and listen to someone with autism- you really hear amazing things.

The sixth table of my day, stayed all day- until I got off, 4 hours later. They were like family at that point, even showing me the panties they’d bought across the street. An amazing family, something I’ve seen again and again all week.

I’m being more optimistic. I’m seeing the good in people and I’m seeing more and more of them. People are thinking about other people more… really. I’ve seen it at work when someone asks to pay for someones lunch or buy them a beer. People are feeling charitable. People are paying it forward. I see it every day. It’s heartening, and admittedly I’m in sugar sweet Pollyanna mode… but still…

People are being really amazing lately. We’ve had a record week and I am so thankful for tomorrow off so I can pay bills before they turn the power and the water off. Holy shit exhausted and back again Friday.

Whoa…

and thankful… but damn. My feet are going to fall off and I need need need to get the hell out of here.

My socks have been wet since 10 this morning. Argh. How’s that for annoying?

My dear Superdad broke his ankle and his leg right before Christmas and I’m reminded to be careful with and take care of my body.

I’m counting the minutes for the next few weeks… while trying to convince myself to even consider wearing a bikini… and failing. Running… dancing… playing… anything to keep my mind at ease.

In a crazy rush to do everything that needs to be done, every day…

and a million miles away… excited & beaming…

When nice runs out.

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Oh me. Oh my….

Let me preface this by saying… I love my job… ish. I love the people I work with, I love the people I work for… and it’s mutual. They love me too. It’s a big old family of great friends, and we all do our best to hold it together when it’s insanity…

Which it truly was yesterday.

I’m having a rough week. I miss my babies. I miss my old life. I take back every whiny thing I ever said about how hard it was to be a stay at home mom. Yes, it was work… but nothing compares to leaving them and working my ass off somewhere else AND at home.

I stepped on an ornament, and each running step at work feels like a new stab wound. I’m on an antibiotic/Aleve cocktail that would numb a horse, and it still hurts. I’m grinning and bearing it… but if given a minute, I’d cry about it for an hour or five.

Nothing is really going right- and I’m shaking it off before I walk in… absolutely dying for a cigarette… but knowing I’d have to explain it takes all the relief out of it. Dealing with the anti-smoker I love would only make this week worse, and besides… I’m on a roll with this quitting nonsense.

I’ve become a professional at putting a smile on my face and setting my personal life aside, to get the job done.

Server 101… come to work pissed off and your tips reflect it. Fake it, fake it, fake it, or die trying.

Quick trip to the bathroom for some pretty pink lip gloss. Sparkly green eyeshadow to distract them from the frown fighting with my smile. Eyes closed… silent prayer…

Lord please. Let them be kind. Let them understand when I can’t get to them immediately and even when I forget their 9th side of ranch dressing. Please let them be human, friendly and generous so I can pay the ridiculously high power bill.

Amen.

Walking on to the floor, it’s insane… and it was all night. Wall to wall people with people lined up and happy to wait, at the door. Seconds between the time the tables are cleared and a new group sits down.

My foot feeling more like a football… holy….

Like always, most people are nice…. but.

Some are asshole bastards who should not be allowed to leave the house.

We have a table of regulars that have haunted us every Monday, purely for the free prizes we give away for Monday night football. Awful, horrible, tightwad wastes of oxygen. We’ve had to kick a few of them out before. They’re truly awful and they ask the price of EVERYTHING. No offense to retarded people, but I’ve always been pretty convinced they’re just undiagnosed. We rotate… so when they walked in and it was my turn? I wanted to crawl in a hole. They stay for 5 hours, and they don’t tip… so I’m facing it knowing it’s a complete waste of my time in an already busy rush.

J- Can I get you folks something to drink?

Assholes- Water…. but how much is soda?

J- $2

A1- Can I have a half a glass for a dollar? You have free refills, right?

It takes all I have not to offer to pay the other dollar just to avoid this same old conversation. Incidentally, the price hasn’t changed in the 6 weeks they’ve been torturing us with their regular presence.

A2- What are the other options for fry sauce, and they’re free, right?

Lord please… please, please, please… deliver me.

J- You can have any of our salad dressings, BBQ sauce…?

A2- No I mean fry sauce.

J- We only have one fry sauce.

A2- And how much is that? And a side salad, $3? What about fries, can I order a half order for $2?

Mind you- the restaurant is full and I have a million things to do other than tell her the fucking prices, considering she’s holding a fucking menu and has been coming in to torture me and order the SAME FUCKING THING for the past two months. My smile fades… and I drop the “figure it the fuck out” server bomb.

J- I’ll give you a minute to decide and I’ll be back.

Yeah in about 5 hours after you’ve left…. <I wish>. ARGH. It takes all I have not to just snap and say to them what I’d really like to.

“Why do you leave the house? Why do you come here? If you don’t have $20 to go out and eat dinner, have a drink and tip your server, then do us all a damn favor and stay the fuck at home. We hate you, and we wish you ill will.”

The cigarette angel is begging me to break my promise… and I’m soooo close to listening to her soothing voice.

Deep breath, chug a glass of ice water and wipe the brain freeze tears from my eyes… fresh lip gloss and a smile forced back on. I’ve got this. I can pull it off.

Which is when a table of six dirty old men sits down. Now this can go two ways. They’re either silently appreciative and overtip me… or they’re outspoken and rude and I autograt them. Either way, when there are 6… I’m home free.

Or so I thought.

J- Hellllllo gentlemen, what can I bring you boys to drink?

Grin. Smile. Beaming happy server girl…at your service.

D- Are you on the menu?

J- We’re a family restaurant, nothing that expensive is on the menu.

Smile, laugh…. even though it’s not fucking funny, nor original.

D2- I’ll have a scotch and soda, when do you get off?

J- We don’t have hard alcohol, but there’s a wine list if you don’t drink beer?

D2- I asked you a question.

D3- Jake you can’t afford her, look at the size of that rock on her finger.

Now the smile is genuine. At least one of them is paying attention.

J- I’ll give you guys a minute to decide and I’ll be back… and as I’m walking away I hear the fucker say…

D2- With tits like that you’d have to put a big rock on her finger.

Deep breath… pretend like you didn’t hear it and keep fucking walking. DO NOT feed it.

Sigh…

I went back ten minutes later and they’d decided. I brought back their drinks and got a whole new slew of hassle from them. I’m at breaking point… wits end and all that jazz.

I ask if they’re ready to order and walk to the left of their table… feeling incredibly overwhelmed, to tell the truth. He reached out and put his hand on my left thigh, pulling me towards him to tell me his order… and I lost it.

J- Please don’t touch me.

D- Ohhhh she’s not friendly, is she guys.

They all start laughing…  and I walked away. Walked to the cash register and printed out the receipt for their beers… and walked back.

J- Here’s your check. You wont be eating dinner with us tonight. You know what? I’m not married, though my boyfriend would do things to you that you can only have nightmares about, simply for being disrespectful to me, never-mind having the nerve to touch me. I’m a single mom, doing my best to help you have a nice time when you go out so that I can pay the power bill. I am not an animal, and you have no right to treat me like one.

They were silent. Shamed. Red faced and getting out their wallets. I was red hot mad and offended.

J- Oh… and… even without these tits I wouldn’t consider any one of you. Have a good night guys.

Ooops…. and hallelujah. I took my non-smoking angst out on the deserving for a change, stood up for myself AND they tipped me $20 and left an apology on the receipt.

I’m really nice…

until I’m not.

Bestie to the rescue ♥

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It’s not much of a secret that I’ve been dreading Christmas.

Between working my feet off… literally… they hurt to walk on… and barely having a budget to buy presents with… I’ve lost my Christmas sparkle. Stepping on an ornament yesterday did not make things better.

The shine has gone off the tinsel, to put it mildly… and this has always been my strong point.

I’m the queen of holidays… Miss Crafty, herself. I sew, knit and bake my loved ones into oblivion. I’m known for it.

I’ve got this… or do I?

Nope. Sure don’t… or didn’t… and it hit me like a freight train yesterday. Everything that could go wrong? Did. Down to the details that have been so perfect.

I fizzled… I sputtered…and I crashed and burned… with nothing more than puffy eyes and a broken heart to show for it.

Oh and I forgot to do the grocery shopping in the midst of my crazy Christmas shopping, all done in the last two days before the dreaded holiday. I looked at my little princess and uttered the phrase no parent wants to…

J- Uh oh… we have to go to Walmart.

Otherwise known as the evil empire in our house, and for damn good reason.

Which is precisely when my Mr. Bestie showed up, smiling…. and if there’s anyone I should have done some sewing for? It’s him. I should have made the man a cape- because I was ready to melt down when he showed up.

J- Oh boy! Guess who gets to go shopping with us?

B- Awesome, I need cat food- lets go.

Only to have my darling tattoo diva show up too. ♥ Friends make the whole world brighter when you’re just about to throw in the towel. I’ve been missing her, and some people just spread love with their own presence. She listened to me cough and asked where my tea was. I showed her… and she burst out laughing….

Apparently I don’t drink a lot of tea, because one box expired in 1997 and the other in 2000. My tea is damn near the same ages as my children…. lol…

We added tea to the list of groceries and left, facing the unthinkable. The evil empire just minutes before they closed for the holiday. Oy.

If that isn’t a friend- I don’t know what is.

It really wasn’t so bad, and my little princess loves him to bits so we spent what could have been the worst 30 minutes of the holiday season, giggling and counting all the other people shopping in jammies.

Champagne & my favorite orange juice with pineapple… random groceries… and a reminder to be thankful.

Walmart really does have everything.

Rushing home to get ready for Santa… only to see my darling Miss Lovely drive in.

There are no accidents, and though I say it constantly… I really have the best friends a girl could ask for. She slipped off her stilletos and got her dance on with us. This Wii dance habit of mine is contagious. ♥

We have a few long standing traditions. We read Twas the night before Christmas & The boy who laughed at Santa Claus- every year, just like my mama did for us. We open one present- which is always new Christmas jammies. I tucked her into bed, absolutely comforted by her sweet little girlie-ness, which is the only cure my heart can feel in a moment I’m missing her brother so much.

Facing another year of solo-Santa… with aching feet and a heart so heavy it hurts to breathe.

I realize I create my own hell, because I’ve always done this whole bit alone. My ex’s could tell you horror stories of me falling into bed just minutes before the kids wake up… purely because I have a bone deep need for it to be JUST right.

Do they need another stuffed animal? No… but there needs to be something cute and snuggly with an arm hanging out of the top of the stocking. A pomegranate in the toe. Too much candy that none of us eat and presents I would NEVER buy. Silver sparkly eye shadow for the child I absolutely will not allow to wear makeup, video games I’ve said no to…

You get the idea.

I go big… and I barely make it to bed before the raw excitement of Christmas wakes my little darlings up. This year I’m down to one darling- but it’s no exception.

I found the mustache socks she wanted so badly and I can hardly wait to see her open them. I’m itching to put her stocking together… and she was STILL awake at midnight… then 1… ugh… Mommy Claus is exhausted.

BUT. My worst fear every year is that I’ll fall asleep and forget to put it all together, and this year is no exception.

I turned on my favorite channel… Investigation Discovery… because there’s nothing like murder to make you feel more festive.

<told you I was in a rough mood>

Finally the baby slept… and I walked to my room to drag out all the stuff I’ve been hiding in the strangest of places, with my dear Bestie laughing all the way. Climbing on my bed with our stockings, and one for the dogs, he sat down next to me… and helped.

Something so simple as ten minutes spent laughing and shoving dog & cat food into the dogs stocking… mustache socks & etc for the princess… and…

OH SHIT.

My stocking…

FML… guess who forgot to buy shit to put in her own stocking?

Yours truly, Ms. Claus.

Thank God for my knitting habit, because the child will never know that the yarn I stuffed in there wasn’t new… <and she didn’t!>

More than anything? Thankful I’m not doing it alone this year and so thankful my dear friend who could be anywhere else, and instead is laughing with me over the fact that mustaches are trendy again, then reallllllly laughing as I bit the ends off all 8 carrots she put out for the reindeer. He helped me eat the cookies… and drew the line at drinking the egg nog.

Everyone has their limits, lol :)

On a very hard day- I had a very clear reminder that life goes on- and even when it feels like the whole world has gone out?

Tomorrow is always another day- and you can completely change someone’s worst day just by being there.

Oh and by eating those gross white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies we made for Santa.

Now THAT is a good friend.

Twas the night…

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Twas the night before Christmas and mommy’s left craving…

Leave the good list to the children…

Bring on the misbehaving….

The shopping is done and the cookies are baking,

Mommy is knitting monsters…

Tangible love in the making.

Candy canes are hung, there are presents to wrap.

Frowning out the window at the cold white crap.

 

Mommy wants sunshine and her amazing man…

The baby wants candy, toys and green paint.

Guess who’s getting what she wants…

…and guess who ‘aint….

 

The naughty list favorite has quite the demands.

Red, black or lacy… Santa- take your pick.

Naughty never looked so good,

Or the trip quite so quick

I want his name on my finger, if he’s not on my lips.

I want the snow to stop falling…

and his hands on my hips.

 

I want Grey Goose, wasabi, a brand new tattoo…

Silvery sparkly high heels… and panties to match.

Not all of us worry about Santa…

Because naughty girls make the best catch.

 

It’s my least favorite day on my least favorite year.

Pour mommy a cocktail to feed the false cheer.

 

Because Mommy is burned out and thankful the whole Santa gig is nearly over. Oy. For the first time this year, she hugged me when she found her presents from Santa…

Sob. They grew up so fast. I regret every single moment that I was too busy. I regret every single moment lost, and I’m thankful for the millions of moments spent treasuring them.

Missing a bit of everything this morning. Heartbroken beyond words and resentful of this stupid holiday season.

Thankful that it’s almost over- because without my son it’s all a sham anyway… and it becomes the year he didn’t speak to me. I did it to my mother. I understand Karma and I know I deserve to know how it feels…

I’m just really sorry. I just really miss him. I just really hate the fact that it’s the first in 17 years that I haven’t spent Christmas with him. Those magical seventeen years ago in fact, I wrapped presents while he kicked around in my 18 year old perfect belly. I sung to him and giggled while he kicked. Wrapping, drinking eggnog & eating sugar cookies. All youthful confidence and brilliantly female. So happy… the happiest time in my life, in fact. Not worried in the slightest. Loving him completely and thankful he let me off the hook of chasing some worthless career. All I ever wanted to be was a mother, and the perfect wife. Enviable and treasured. And I was…

So yeah… fuck Christmas… and sorry for saying so, but that’s really how I feel this year.

My daughter bought me meteorite earrings and a necklace. I opened the box and started to cry… and it only got worse. I had to stop and get out of the car at the end of the driveway… to pull it together. She bought one for her brother too.

We set the alarm so we could do everything early enough for me to drop her off at her dads so she can see her little brother on Christmas. It’s magical… I remember it… and somewhere inside all that perfect happy family house, is my son. Her dad waves at me through the window and I remember exactly the moments he’s about to live… again.

It all worked out for him, and he deserves it too. I’m happy for him.

But today?

I sort of want to walk out on my life entirely.