Monthly Archives: January 2012

Preconceived Notions…

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I’m always amused by the people who read my blog and think it’s a description of my character or even a shadow of who I really am.

I’m especially bemused by the people who believe everything they read. I’d be willing to bet these are the same folks that watch Fox news.

This is my verbal exhale, my wordy little cathartic playground. Play nice or fuck off. Yeah… that’s how it is.

I couldn’t care less if you’re critical, judgmental or hell-bent to dislike me. Go ahead- drink your big ol’ glass of Hater-ade and keep on reading. If anything you inspire me to be spicy…just to get under your skin and piss you off.

I’m an amazing woman. I’m a great daughter, a happy mommy and so very much more than a bunch of words typed in anger, sadness, disappointment… or even joy, love and hope.

If I’m going to be judged by anyone? It’ll be by the people I love and care about that I choose to have in my personal life. If you know me personally? Then none of this comes as a surprise.

I’m the one that leaves dinner on your doorstep, takes your kids when you’re sick and knits your mom a hat when she has cancer and all her hair falls out. True story.

I love deeply… I forgive quickly… and I do not carry a grudge. I move through my life with respect to everyone and everything around me. I say nice things. I do nice things. I believe in Karma before all else, and if you think for a second that I don’t judge myself a million times harder than anyone? Think again.

There’s a lot you’ll never know about me, because for as much as I share… I am intensely private and constantly concerned about hurting someone’s feelings. I don’t like it when people dislike me- and I will go to the ends of the earth to apologize when I’m wrong.

My mother told me nearly every day as a child… “To err is human, to forgive, divine”. We were browbeaten with the golden rule & taught to help, love & nurture the people and things in our lives.

So shoot me if I’m a bit of a vixen behind closed doors… shouldn’t every fantastic woman be?

I’ve put my trust where it wasn’t valued, and I’ve shared my heartache with the masses. If that makes me a bad person in your eyes then I apologize for your inept holier than thou attitude… OH and I have a list of guys I’d love to set you up on a date with… <snicker>…

I’ve made turning the other cheek an art form and have learned to keep my chin up even as the water flooded in up to my pearl-clad earlobes.

I’m a woman, Phenomenally… Phenomenal woman, that’s me. – Maya Angelou

Feeling a little sensitive this morning, obviously… and definitely annoyed that people still waste time judging anyone else- but whatev… If it’s one thing I’ve learned by blogging, it’s that you can’t please everyone, and sometimes it’s just a lot more fun to tell someone to kick rocks, plus I’m pretty good at burning the verbal house down.

Would life be any fun if we were all the same? No. Would it be better if I wasn’t outspoken? No. Should I give a fuck what anyone thinks? No. That’s their shit- not mine.

I happen to think I’m pretty sweet. I think you’d have a hard time arguing with me if you were a friend of mine, or loved by me. In fact, I know this- because I make an effort to really truly love the people I’m blessed to have in my life.

All of whom would go to the ends of the Earth for me, because I’d do the same.

Some things you don’t know- and should… because obviously I care what you think even though I wish I didn’t, lol….

~ I’m a sentimental hoarder. I save all the art projects, all the report cards, etc… that my children have made. My favorites are laminated… ya know… because they’re my most priceless possessions. I have a china cabinet in my living room full of homemade “treasures”. People look in it and laugh… but if the house caught on fire I’d risk my life to save its contents.

~ I’ll hold your baby while you eat, even while I’m working. I’m that nice lady that refills your drink and charms your little monster long enough that you can eat hot food. Regardless of the tip or if it affects your opinion of me. I do it because I love little people and I’m a supermom.

~ I remember what your favorite color is, your favorite candy… your favorite flowers- because I’m thoughtful and I want you to have what you love on your birthday.

~ I write under pressure of a deadline because I’m writing a book and I would love to not have to ask “Would you like chips or fries with that” for the rest of my life. I look at the big picture, not the thumbnails. I care about the example I set for my children and though I’m proud that I’m able to support this crazy expensive household… it’s more important to me that they see me do what I love and what I enjoy because I want that for both of them.

~ Regardless of money being ridiculously tight- you can have my last $5 if you need it. I give freely with no expectation of the same being returned. I won’t hassle you to repay it- but if you don’t it will definitely be the last time. I’m nice, not stupid :)

~ I make heart shaped pancakes… and I’m so OCD I separate the batter so that some of them are pink and some of them are white… I know… it’s silly… but those are the little details that make me have a wonderful day….I don’t eat them. ♥

~ I feed the cat tuna fish and the dogs chicken and rice every once in a while… purely because I would be miserable if I had to eat the same old boring dry crunchies every day.

~ I put my extra pennies in the take-a-penny dish at the gas station.

I’m nice, dammit… and a blessing to have in your life if you’re so lucky.

So there.

Hmph…. I’m burning these damn people pleasing panties, once and for all.

If you can’t stand the heat…

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Then you ask me to password protect it ♥

It got the point across to whom it was intended to offend- and well… it takes a lot to bare your soul to the world, and the beauty of blogging is having the luxury of pulling the plug.

Write drunk, edit sober… even when you’re purely drunk on heartache. My Lovely friend was a little blown away by the instantaneous response. She’s still bleeding at the heart a little, and the betrayal is still so fresh. I love her so much, and I know how she’s feeling. You just have to suffer through the hell of it, unfortunately. Nothing much will help, other than time.

Men who juggle women deserve to get their balls ripped off… and verbally? I come pretty close. I’ve suffered through the worst of them, and I know all too well what disappointment and betrayal feel like. I think we all can relate… unfortunately.

He doesn’t take responsibility for it, in any situation. Cheaters are universal in that he will always blame something about you for why he couldn’t be faithful. I’ve learned a lot about the difference in men in the last year. There are two types. Assholes & Amazing. That’s the real black and white of it. He either gives a shit about his personal character and the quality of himself as a man… or he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t, then he juggles women dishonestly. He’s not concerned with his integrity or being true to his word. He’s selfish, and looking out for what you can do for him, not thinking for a second about who the man in your life should be. He knows you’re amazing… and that doesn’t even slow him down. He’s an Asshole, and I can spot one a mile away…. mostly because I’ve dated them so often. I’ve had my douche bag magnet removed and as a result, my standards have been raised to a nearly impossible super-human level.

I’ve been ruined for other men… because I’m a lucky girl who’s loved by Amazing.

Amazing calls. Amazing says exactly what he’s thinking/feeling/doing. He doesn’t have secrets because he doesn’t want you to keep any. He loves you deeply and out loud, without worrying about playing games… because it’s your heart he’s after and he’s determined to keep it. He doesn’t say mean things. He wakes you up with nice words and an undying desire to please you. Wherever you go in life, in any situation… when someone mentions him- you smile from your head to your toes. He can be late. He can forget to call…. but he doesn’t- because you mean the world to him and he’s determined to prove it every chance he gets.

But…

That whole Asshole thing can be attractive… a lesson taught to me repeatedly by a certain 25 year old I dated. I wasn’t used to having to convince someone to like or respect me. It’d always come naturally- because I’m so nice. I learned a lot from the situation and I can’t regret it… because when you’ve seen the worst of the worst? You learn what you aren’t willing to accept. You learn the real value of Amazing.

You know when you see it because it’s completely different from what you’ve seen before and it FEELS right.

It feels Amazing.

There are a lot of Assholes in Amazing clothing. A lot of them are difficult to spot… but for goodness sake when you find that you are the poor unsuspecting girl at the heart of the matter, surround yourself with your real friends.

Your real friends are the people that tell you what a douche bag he is, and beyond that? They tell him too. I have no time for friends in my life who want to befriend my exes. It’s a choice- make it- and be honest about it, because I’ll find out. I don’t tolerate disloyal people. I’ve filled my quota in the last year.

I’m too Amazing for all that. I’m too adored by Amazing and surrounded by Amazing friends. I’ve faced the heat and survived with a whole lot of wisdom to show for it. I’m focused on being as protective of myself as I am of my loved ones. I’m a damn fine woman and I’m finally acting like it. I’m also the friend you call to help you burn his house down, help you bury the body and bail you out, if need be.

I’m the friend who tells you the truth. I’m the friend that flips him off in your absence- because- in my opinion, everyone who loves you, should. I may end up sitting next to one of my friends in jail at some point, but I’ll never be the Judas who kisses the ass of the person who hurt her. There’s a lot of value in being a true friend, because it comes back to you a million times over.

Be Amazing…

There are plenty of assholes in the world. Don’t be a Mike.

Yeah you, Mike….aka “The Plate”

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Ohhhh Mikey… You’re going to learn a very big boy lesson right now. Us grown girls don’t fuck around and we do not take it lightly when you think for a second that you can make sad examples of our baby sisters. You have barked up the wrong tree this time, good old plate-man. Some of us don’t give a fuck what you’re capable of in bed. We care about your character…. of which you have none.

I just have one thing to say… She’s what… 20? Hmmm… Honestly? That’s so much easier to hide your bipolar alcoholism from. Way to go you…

She’s a poor man’s Lovely, and you know it…. but then we all do.

Yep… I’m not fucking nice…. and when you mess with the best? You mess with the meanest bitch with a keyboard in the Pacific Northwest…. but honey… you mess with her? You mess with the whole lot of us… and we love her enough to hang our bare asses out to make an even bigger ass of you.

Doubt me? I’m counting on it. Go ahead and try me… and I’ll lay your tiny little sad details bare… and you can walk around barefoot picking up the pathetic shards of your life while I laugh, point at you and mock your existence.

Umm hmmm… just ask the boys who’s unflattering nicknames highlight the tags on my blog…

I live to humiliate the worthy.

I work hard to empower the women I know are worth it… and this man? Not that he qualifies as a man… he deserves the shameful ass-handing he’s about to get.

Hi Mike… kiss, kiss… guess what? I never really liked you. I tolerated you because you meant something to someone I loved as much or more than I love than my sisters. Yep… you lucky piece of shit… you actually made it worthwhile to humiliate you, and I’ve taken a vow of angelic perfection.

My curls are hanging just right… my ruby red lips are smiling… and my darling boyfriend is out being better than you without even trying. Asleep… he has you beat.

Good game, high 5… Bitch…. and ohhh honey… don’t lie… cause I’m cataloging them and I will systematically destroy you publicly if you continue to contact my darling girl.

Though I’d love to know how you get out of these details… and I’d pay big bucks to be a fly on the wall if she reads it to you, looking for answers. Come on, tell me… cause I’m dying to know… Mikey doesn’t like it?

20 is fuckable… not permanent… lol… but then you knew that because you WILL NOT LEAVE MY LOVELY ALONE.

:) lol… go ahead… take it away my darling Lovely friend…..

Dear K,

I understand the discomfort in hearing from me, I’d be equally as uncomfortable if I’d gotten an email from you.

But I didn’t.

I was faced with the reality of you being a part of my boyfriend’s life when one of our close friends, G, broke down and cried the week after I got back from scattering my dad’s ashes in Hawaii. That was late October. It was the night that Mike crashed the boat and he called me. I was sitting on his couch, watching tv and we had plans the next day when he got back from elk hunting.

I had no idea you even existed in our relationship. I’m sorry if you’re equally as shocked right now. It is not my intention- I only know that if nobody had told me about you, I never would have known and would still be thinking about my future and life with him. We talked marriage .I have a close relationship with his son. We rode bikes around town and looked at houses for sale. We had two dogs together, Tanman and Tuck. We grew a garden together.  He built us a bed from his bare hands. I am sorry to share my pain with you, but you deserve the truth as much as I did.

Unfortunately… this hasn’t really ended between him and I. We are still sexually active. I’ve been intimate with him this week. He still expresses his love but he has told me it’s over between the two of you. He told me you’d found out about me and ended things.

One thing sticks in my mind though… he tells me always that if I really want to make him hate me, or end things forever, then I’ll tell you what’s going on.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, because I really truly love him. The facts on the ground are that it’s an unhealthy abusive relationship and I apologize if I’m hurting you to save myself, but it’s only right. You deserve the truth he worked so hard to hide from me. You deserve to know that I’m not just some crazy ex he’s labeled me as.

I’m quite Lovely. I have amazing friends who love me and a family that I go overboard to protect. I’m a good person and I have a good heart. I have had a rough year, but my heart and life are full. I am blessed to have people in my life who hold me accountable; and this is why I’m writing this letter to you today. I’m damn funny, and in any other circumstance my guess is that we might get along famously, and hell…. we are Eskimo sisters now. I’m sure you’re very nice too.

I’ve heard he takes you to the same places… and he probably says the same things. I’m sure you play with our dog and I heard you work at the animal hospital so I’m sure Tanner probably loves you… that is particularly painful because we made a choice together with regards to our future, one that I’m not part of like I used to be. So shoot me… I miss my dog and it sucks to think about someone else being the face he wakes up to.

I’ve done everything I could think of to avoid sending this to you- and frankly he threatens that if I said anything to you he’d simply fuck some other girl from the bar. This week, someone told me you are still very much a part of his life. I’ve asked, and he hasn’t mentioned you- so it was the same old shock, all over again. I realized that if I didn’t say something to you, I was just as culpable as Mike keeping you a secret from me. I know we were intimate with him at the same time because he’s admitted as much to me.

I’m sure you don’t like me. I’m positive you’ve been conditioned to think I’m some crazy ex girlfriend, just like I’ve been told you’re out of the picture.

You can call me if you want to talk to me. I completely understand if you don’t. The very sad truth of it all is that we both fell for the same guy and we both deserve more. He was my best friend and the love of my life… and one attempt to get over this whole nightmare was cutting up his deer over mimosas to “My Best Friend’s Wedding”… one of many examples of our attempts to make it all better and get back on track over the last few months.

Because years of love, heartache, absolute joy, and then total sadness have a way of making even the most inane moments feel so perfect. He seeks me out. I cave. I’m sorry if you have somehow been caught in the chaos of the unraveling of our relationship- but you deserve truth, if nothing else.

Perhaps I’m just the wrong girl, or perhaps it was all just a lesson and this is just a simple set of Cliff Notes for you to understand. Perhaps it just is, what it is. But… if nothing else… I believe you deserve the truth….and if the truth sets you free?  Then hey… You’re fucking welcome. :)

My number is ***-***-****. You can call or text me if you need. I have answers if you’re wanting them.

As for me? I just want you to know what I know.

-L

Not so orange…

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My spray tan is just simply the best thing I’ve found since english muffin bread. Seriously. I’m delighted with my spray paint and happy to say it does not make me look orange (though I’ve heard it can). I had several emails asking how it turned out- so here’s a picture.

Not so orange, and never so happy…

Happy weekend, my friends… do something fun that makes you smile. Joy is free and happiness is contagious.

Spread some around. ♥

Nice and Nervous…

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My phone chirped at me this morning and it’s a text from a girlfriend…

♥- I may or may not have had sex last night…

I’m laughing and texting her back…

J- That sounds like a definite. Good for you!

♥-and he bought me breakfast this morning…

J- Nicely done. A meal to soften the sober reality of drunk spontaneous sex.

♥- Yep. There was P in the V… but I’m not ready for sober hungover sex. He was nice, wants to see me again …. but whoa it was awkward. New sex always is.

Hmm… I’m not so sure I agree with her.

Being physically charged and a little sick to your stomach with anticipation is never bad in my book. Standing next to him and feeling the hair on the back of your neck stand on end… goosebumps. Being close enough to watch him swallow hard when you “accidentally” brush up against him.

It’s all good in the hood, if you ask me.

If it’s bad sex, that’s a whole other issue, but generally when you’re in the neighborhood of round 1… things are pretty heated. Add alcohol to the mix and someone may come out of it with a few new bruises.

She’s recently divorced and it was the first time she’s been with anyone else in years. I asked her if it was weird and she laughed.

♥- Yeah my first thought was “OMG that’s a penis. A new penis.”

J- Good for you, so…

♥- It was fine.

J- WHAT? Fine? Just fine?

♥- It was new. It was weird having someone be so nice to me. He wants to see me again, he wanted to just hang out with me. He was really nice, like in an amazing way.

Gulp… now she’s moving into my neighborhood… being faced with amazing. Realizing in your own life that amazing men do in fact, exist. Even more than that? The reality of one loving you.

Having learned in the past that it doesn’t always work out… but refusing to hold the man standing in front of you responsible for the mistakes of the men standing behind you.

Baggage is ugly. Pack light and take only your favorite lessons away from any relationship, good or bad.

Because being in love with amazing is downright intoxicating. Being loved back by someone spectacular is nothing short of a slice of heaven on earth.

I’m counting seconds to the perfect first date…with a man who’s eradicated my vices and sends me into a blissed out baking frenzy with just a phone call. This amazing source of tangible joy. It’s written all over my face.

Some of my friends think I’ve lost my mind. My best friends just grin at me and give me credit for having the balls to take a risk. One of my best friends kissed me on the cheek and said…

R- I’m so proud of you. You can’t win if you don’t play, don’t second guess yourself… you’re fuckin’ rad.You got balls, I’m impressed.

You really can’t win if you don’t play. If you don’t ask for what you really want in your life, and act on it? Nothing will change. Being unhappy, being heartbroken, being unfulfilled? Those are all choices.

I’ll be the first person to say I’m codependent, and my happiness has increased tenfold by having him in my life- absolutely. That doesn’t make me any less happy. It really only makes me happy that I can admit it… and that I get to.

My friends are busy telling me how amazing I am, and that’s the only response I have in regards to him. I’m nervous and laughed with my favorite customer about it last night.

J- He might not like me.

☺- Smile at him like that, he doesn’t stand a chance. Listen. You’re easy on the eyes and you’re intelligent. You can write. You’re more happy than sad and you’re company is a joy. After seeing what was out the other night, I’m depressed for you girls. You’re not going to meet someone here.

J- I’m really excited… giggle… but I’m nervous as hell.

☺- Don’t be nervous, be confident. I cannot for the life of me understand why you’re single.

Awww. I’m surrounded by people that want the best for me, and they’ve descended on me in my self conscious hour of need.

With a bellyfull of butterflies at war… and a mad case of permagrin, I’m probably a little annoying to hang out with these days…

I look & feel so much better wrapped in faith and sincerity, and after having the douche bag magnet tumor that had attached itself to my heart removed, I’m a sunshiny new girl.

Having suntanned thighs in February sure doesn’t hurt either…

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥