Ugh.

Quadruple UGH.

How is it that I am 35 years old and still dread this like the first time, every time. It never gets better. It never gets easier. I’m absolutely neck deep in dread just waking up this morning.

Oh no… it’s THAT day. That one I’ve seen looming for weeks.

I’m forgetful. I forget my eyebrow wax appointments enough that I spoil and overtip my esthetician.

I don’t forget a vagina doctor appointment. I panic. I cross my legs twice, and my fingers even.

Noooo… ugh. Damn it men have it so easy sometimes.

I walk in reluctantly… hating every single second…ugh. They’re so nice- really- and nobody loves the vagina doctor experience, so they’re sensitive about it. She hands me the clipboard and I fill out every detail of my family history of every damn disease known to humankind, and every detail of my sex life.

Lovely.

My favorite question?

* Have you been with a partner who had multiple partners?

Thank God they don’t ask for a number next to that one… I think I’d have to dig a hole, climb in & die. I think Nathan and the Hoarder should have to have prostate exams just cause.

At any rate- the details are down in ink and it’s my turn. Oh joy. My hands are so cold she can’t prick my finger, so I have the pleasure of reading the STD poster while I run them under warm water.

Who needs a poster to get them to go to the doctor? If you have any of the symptoms listed on this chart, nobody is going anywhere near you and you should be very worried. Yikers.

By the time she finishes the AIDS test I’m positive I have it, and this is going to be one of those days like in a Lifetime movie, where I go in for a pap and end up HIV positive.

Weighed- oh joy… and hey… I’m still 5’4″… shocker.

Ugh… crunch time. Ugh. She gives the usual schpeel.

V- Take all your clothes off, you can leave your socks on. Put the wrap over your lap.

Gee, thanks… my socks are going to make me feel so much better. Oy.

This is the one moment I hate being a woman. I’d give anything for a penis right now, and not in any way sexually. They give you a thin paper tablecloth to somehow make you feel covered, while sitting your naked ass on a paper covered table. It’s as cold as Siberia, not that you’d ever be comfortable enough to feel warm anyway. Those dreaded stirrups may as well have flashing lights and sirens, because you can’t help but look at them with increasing dread.

I think they listen to your heart and lungs and grope your boobs, just to ease you into the most dreaded moment of the vagina doctor.

V- Go ahead and put your feet in the stirrups and move your bottom down to the end of the table.

Hey hi there. My gawd it fucking sucks- worse than any other part of being a woman. Give me an abscessed tooth over this bullshit, any day.

But… ya gotta love your vagina… and if you’re going to play with her then you have to take care of her and make sure she’s healthy. It’s the price of being sexually active- and hey…

I don’t have AIDS!

… and it’s out of the way until next year!

Make the call ladies, maintain your vagina.

…and gentleman… take a moment on my behalf and thank God for your penis because you will never know the joys of the vagina doctor.