The Vagina Doctor


Quadruple UGH.

How is it that I am 35 years old and still dread this like the first time, every time. It never gets better. It never gets easier. I’m absolutely neck deep in dread just waking up this morning.

Oh no… it’s THAT day. That one I’ve seen looming for weeks.

I’m forgetful. I forget my eyebrow wax appointments enough that I spoil and overtip my esthetician.

I don’t forget a vagina doctor appointment. I panic. I cross my legs twice, and my fingers even.

Noooo… ugh. Damn it men have it so easy sometimes.

I walk in reluctantly… hating every single second…ugh. They’re so nice- really- and nobody loves the vagina doctor experience, so they’re sensitive about it. She hands me the clipboard and I fill out every detail of my family history of every damn disease known to humankind, and every detail of my sex life.


My favorite question?

* Have you been with a partner who had multiple partners?

Thank God they don’t ask for a number next to that one… I think I’d have to dig a hole, climb in & die. I think Nathan and the Hoarder should have to have prostate exams just cause.

At any rate- the details are down in ink and it’s my turn. Oh joy. My hands are so cold she can’t prick my finger, so I have the pleasure of reading the STD poster while I run them under warm water.

Who needs a poster to get them to go to the doctor? If you have any of the symptoms listed on this chart, nobody is going anywhere near you and you should be very worried. Yikers.

By the time she finishes the AIDS test I’m positive I have it, and this is going to be one of those days like in a Lifetime movie, where I go in for a pap and end up HIV positive.

Weighed- oh joy… and hey… I’m still 5’4″… shocker.

Ugh… crunch time. Ugh. She gives the usual schpeel.

V- Take all your clothes off, you can leave your socks on. Put the wrap over your lap.

Gee, thanks… my socks are going to make me feel so much better. Oy.

This is the one moment I hate being a woman. I’d give anything for a penis right now, and not in any way sexually. They give you a thin paper tablecloth to somehow make you feel covered, while sitting your naked ass on a paper covered table. It’s as cold as Siberia, not that you’d ever be comfortable enough to feel warm anyway. Those dreaded stirrups may as well have flashing lights and sirens, because you can’t help but look at them with increasing dread.

I think they listen to your heart and lungs and grope your boobs, just to ease you into the most dreaded moment of the vagina doctor.

V- Go ahead and put your feet in the stirrups and move your bottom down to the end of the table.

Hey hi there. My gawd it fucking sucks- worse than any other part of being a woman. Give me an abscessed tooth over this bullshit, any day.

But… ya gotta love your vagina… and if you’re going to play with her then you have to take care of her and make sure she’s healthy. It’s the price of being sexually active- and hey…

I don’t have AIDS!

… and it’s out of the way until next year!

Make the call ladies, maintain your vagina.

…and gentleman… take a moment on my behalf and thank God for your penis because you will never know the joys of the vagina doctor.

14 thoughts on “The Vagina Doctor

  1. confessionsofyourhusbandsmistress

    I completely agree with this post. I HATE going to the OBGYN. I look forward to the day I don’t have to go any longer.

    • Seriously! Between the waxing, the painting, the bleaching, the hours running and low calorie flavorless food… it’s a huge pain to be a girl sometimes.

      Precisely why God blessed us with multiple orgasms, in my opinion. šŸ™‚

  2. And the cardinal rule they always forget (although this is not exclusive to the vagina doctor) is never, and I do mean NEVER do the weight before the blood pressure. Actually, I think they ought to change the rules completely and do the blood pressure last, after you have left and are in your car ready to head out of the parking lot. Because, really, only THEN will it be accurate. Maybe. But CERTAINLY not BEFORE the weight.

    Gripe #2 is that they always ask a gazillion qustions while they are taking it, and anyone who actually KNOWS

    • I’m finally comfortable with being a little curvy. I’m not a size 6, so kiss off if you can’t handle it is sort of the way I think. I’m a 10-12… and I’m packin’ 36 DD’s… they fit my body and I love it. The day a man makes me feel like I have to be a size 2 to win him over?

      That’s the day I get a girlfriend. Because I’d rather see and touch soft thighs than be criticized for mine. I’d rather see big boobs than deal with an asshole. I can appreciate a beautiful female body,,, and I never think of her in terms of skinny or carb-starved… any more than I want a skinny guy.

      When I think about the woman I find attractive? She’s curvy. Soft. Boobs… lips. She smiles at you and lowers her eyebrows and all of a sudden you understand what men go through when you pull on your sweet & demure role. She’s pretty… and funny… and she’s too cool to disrespect…

      She’s everything I want to be and keep trying to achieve. She’s my goal…my ideal woman.

      The girl that makes me smile. The girl that would tempt me if I went that way…

      Eeerily similar to yours truly… almost…. and getting there… šŸ™‚

  3. {can you tell it’s been one of those days? :lol:}

    But anyone who actually KNOWS anything about blood pressure knows it rises when you talk. So shut up and don’t ask me questions while you’re taking my blood pressure!!!

    There. I’m done now. šŸ˜€ Unless you want to talk about medical billing- in which case I’ll come uncorked again and of course, won’t let you take my blood pressure then, either.


  4. LOL! I had the lady at the bank one time clearly regretting her decision to ask me how my day was going after one of my “lady” appointments. I couldn’t lie!

    • We had the following conversation today…

      J- Hey! I don’t have AIDS!
      & she said…
      F- Eggs?
      and I laughed and said
      J- hopefully none of those either, no AIDS!
      F- Eggs?
      J- No HIV, No AIDS
      F- DId you think you had some?
      J- No… not until they make you wait 15 minutes for the result.
      F- Yikes.
      J- Oh I had the exam to take my mind off of it.
      F- There’s really nothing worse than the vagdoc.

      My dude friend looked at me and put it very simply.

      B- I don’t want to talk about your vagina, ever.

      My boyfriend said it best…

      ā™„- What’s wrong with you?

      J- lol… nothing… I’m being responsible- thanks.

      lol… I get it though… men don’t understand what we go through just for being born a woman. They have no concept of the mammogram, pap smear world.

      They’ve never had to scoot their ass to the end of the table.

      Nuff said.

  5. Oh, Baby Girl! I work in a family practice clinic and I type these types of doctors notes All. Day. Long. Really, they have seen one cooter, they have seen them all.I will admit that I will ONLY see a woman doctor for this much fun – because – they have to do it, too! I know this because (see above) I type doctor’s notes all day long. Doctors still have to see the doctor now and then! Relax, thank God you only have to do it once a year and then go home and relax in the hot tub with glass of wine. Like I do šŸ™‚

    • Good grief you have too look at sad reluctant faces every day? Bless you… I went in trying to be chipper and funny but really wanting to pay someone else to go for me.

      But… It’s just not one of those situations. Damn it sucks- and I”m so thankful I’m off the hook until next January- I could cry…. lol….

      Tears of JOY,


    • I would have traded you yesterday, but now it’s over- and besides the bliss of being able to avoid the vagina doctor, I’d never trade being a woman. šŸ™‚ We get to grow people and breastfeed, and nothing comes close to how cool that is… ā™„

      Please laugh, lol, it’s so bad it’s funny, though it wasn’t in the moment and I actually asked her…

      J- Why don’t men have to endure this kind of shit?

      D- Because they have penises.

      You know what they say… “With great power, comes great responsibility” lol…

      I absolutely love, love, love your blog. Love it. It’s my favorite new find.

  6. I relate to this post so much! I hate the thought of “internal cell scraping”, as I euphemistically refer to it, so much I didn’t go for years, and then last year I decided all at once that I had to A. go get checked for The Cancer and B Get an IUD. Let’s just say I have washed the experience from my mind and hope nothing ever brings it back. The only thing I like is now I am artificial-hormone free, and don’t have to worry about taking a pill every day. But oh gosh, I do relate…. I also think it should be mandatory that men should have to come with us to these appointments so we can unleash our vagina-pain related anxiety on them. It’s only fair.

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