I’ve refused to even consider having a gun in my house since I was barely 20 years old. I grew up with Buddhist parents, and we were beaten with the constant threat of bad Karma… not a belt or a frustrated hand. We knew early on that our actions determined our results in life, and that it was extremely important to walk calmly and peacefully through life… or make amends.
I apologize too much… I know this.
I see the good in people long after it’s gone… and my friends and family are worried constantly because I consistently regret it. It’s a mixed blessing really, and though it costs me dearly at times, I’d rather see the good than be jaded.
I trust deeply and it takes a lot for you to damage that trust to the point it’s irreparable.
But once I’m there… there’s no going back. Ever seen the movie Enough? She just keeps on dealing with it and apologizing and then one day… she snaps. I’m the most sensitive girl on earth, with a stainless steel spine.
One of my guy friends stopped by this morning and took me to go shooting… telling me he was sick of my baditude. Throwing a pair of jeans and my boots at me.
Ugh. I’m cool spending the day off alone… but no. He throws a Lunchable at me when I shut the door and I’m happy… until he starts in on me.
D- If you aren’t going to smile I”m taking you back home.
J- It’s a helluva two weeks, that’s all.
D- Yeah. My brother hung himself this morning.
I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say or do and my own little pity party ended abruptly.
J- Oh my God… pull over.
He does… and I start to get all choked up. I reach to hug him and he starts laughing.
D- I’m such a dick… I’m kidding, but do you see how other people have way worse problems? Come on, you’re pretty, you’re sweet and you don’t need to leave to find love. We all love you just fine.
J- You are such a dick, come on, teach me how to shoot at you.
These are the people who keep me real.
We pull up to his Grandpa’s hayfield and he throws a Carhart jacket over my sweatshirt, laughing at me, and shoves me out the passenger side door. I’m a little sick to my stomach to think about touching a gun, to tell you the truth…. and he knows it from the smile on his face as he thrusts it into my hands. My heart is racing and I’m absolutely positive if I drop it it will kill us both simultaneously and he’s bent over, laughing… and takes it back out of my hands.
D- Ohhh the wordy Princess is afraid of guns??? That’s classic.
J- That’s not funny, be nice to me.
D- Quit feeling sorry for yourself and come help me put the saddles on.
J- Awww really? You’re the best, I would have come with you without hesitating if you’d told me there were horses involved.
He chucks a blanket at me and points me in the direction of my horse’s bridle. I start singing the Selena Gomez song that’s haunting me and he threatens to make me carry the gun on my horse. I know when to shut up.
My saddle is too loose… and he wont stop calling me an amateur, but he helps me tighten it and shoves me up and on to the saddle. Ahhh. There’s really nothing so therapeutic as a quiet ride in the snow. I’m so thankful for these quiet moments- this is what keeps me balanced and keeps my life at peace. Simplicity.
Sigh… the trees are lightly dusted, like God shook powdered sugar on the whole meadow. The other horses are voicing their displeasure loudly at not getting to come along… and I’m easing back into the saddle. It’s been a while, and I’m a little nervous. Nothing a nice quiet ride can’t fix.
Yeah right… my asshole friend digs his heels in and goes tearing off… and being that I weigh less and my horse is determined to keep up, I’m hanging on for dear life with every muscle in my body. I see that he’s laughing as we catch up and I blow by him, flipping him the bird, while slowing down so he can catch up and walk next to me. I have no idea where he’s taking me so it’s not the time to show him up.
D- Wanna cut through the woods? You’ve jumped before, right? I’ll let you know when so you don’t fall off.
Ten minutes through the woods and I’m in love again. I have a barn… I could totally have a horse. <FYI, I’m fully aware how delusional this line of thought is, don’t worry>. The trail empties out into a big open field and we hop off and tie the horses up.
He loads the gun… which is interesting to me,in and off itself. I like puzzles… bullets feel a little like that when you’re loading the chambers.
It’s kind of… hot. Really. There’s something tantalizing about the whole process.
He wraps his arms around me and wraps my hands around the trigger and I’m a little breathless. I feel a little… hmmm… dangerous?
If anything I kinda wish I had heels and a cape on to really enjoy this moment, lol…
It’s cold and I don’t like gloves. The cold metal is heavier than I thought it’d be and I’m intimidated by it. He smells like shaving cream, cologne and sawdust… Country boy delicious, arming me with a deadly weapon.
He laughs from behind me, and aims the gun for me…. putting his finger over mine on the trigger and pulling it for me. I closed my eyes and leaned back into his chest and he smacked me in the side of the head.
D- You cannot close your eyes and you have to aim.
We both start laughing.
I suppress the “I’ve been an adequate pain in the ass” giggles… and I feel his chest against my back, his arms against mine, pressing my hands together.
D- You can keep them closed the first time. Get a feel for it and I’ll do the rest.
J- lol… that’s what he said.
I can feel his heart racing against my back and his breathing is shallow… with the muscles in his arms jumping against my goosebump covered arms and I’m acutely aware of his breath on my neck.
D- It scares you, your hands are shaking. Now picture someone coming into your home and taking something from you. Breathe… let it turn you on. You’re not taking shit from anyone, ever again. Are you? Come on. Get mad. Show me you’re not the pushover people assume you to be. Oh Jenni… full of words and what? Where’s your balls darlin? That’s a pretty daughter you have…
And I pull the trigger immediately…. which is followed by a huge explosion…my ears are plugged and he’s coughing. Huh. Yeahh…. that was awesome… and I love the smell of gunpowder.
He made me open my eyes the next time.
He made me pull the trigger myself the time after that…and if you haven’t done it… exercise your right to bear arms at your earliest convenience because it’s fantastic. Time for a shooting range in my backyard.
He even helped me pick out my very own on the way home.
D- Congratulations, you’re officially deadly. Keep your damn eyes open and you should be all set. Lessons start next week, I’ll go with you.
I was scared to death to try… and found out I actually really love it. A perfect reminder that doing something that scares you doesn’t always end badly.
Unless you’re stupid enough to break into my house.