Having the second to last night of our trip together go so harshly, I sat at the bar in the hotel with my drink and big fat alligator tears rolled down my cheeks and on to the sparkling bar underneath my elbows. The bartender came over, reached out and brushed one off my cheek and stared at his finger and looked at me.
B- Tears? There’s no crying in paradise!
J- I’m overwhelmed, entirely.
B- Are you ok?
J- I’ll be fine.
B- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional?
J- Pretty much.
B- Aww beautiful lady, don’t cry.
I finished my drink and went up to the room to see if maybe we could salvage this night… drying my tears and smiling at the other people in the elevator.
I got to the room and my key wouldn’t work… so I had to knock until he let me in, and he was furious.
J- Listen. It’s late, we’re both tired and drunk. Let’s just go to bed and be done with this day.
T- I don’t want to touch you and I don’t want you next to me.
Tears… and lots of them… I sat in the bathtub and cried while he fell asleep alone. I climbed in bed after he was out cold and avoided him all night. I woke up with his arm wrapped around me and my heart just ached. I didn’t want there to be one bad moment on this trip.
My closest friends knew all there was to know. My Facebook page was freaking viral and they were all delighted that it was turning out to be everything I ever dreamed of. I left amidst my best friends telling me they expected regular proof-of-life text messages. He urged me to call my mom and we giggled on the phone together with her at one point.
He was quiet when he woke up, and I rolled over and climbed on top of him. Fix it with sex. Twice. I’m nothing if not a creature of habit. I heard myself apologizing and saw the confusion on his face and realized he didn’t remember a lot. Uh oh…
J- Do you remember asking the parking lot attendant if he wanted me?
T- No. What’d he say? Senor, you can come out now!
J- Jerk. He was awkward, what would you say?
He growled at me, bit me on the chin and rolled me underneath him.
T- I’d have said yes, obviously.
Four hours working things out biblically, and he’s not angry at me anymore. We’re getting ready to leave and I throw a dress on.
T- Is that what you’re wearing?
J- Not anymore.
Wardrobe change and we’re out the door. I’m so in love with him I can’t see straight. I haven’t had sex in a car in years but spending hours in the car with him makes me reconsider. I really can’t put words to my feelings enough to express how much I loved him. I need a dozen new languages to mine adjectives from.
He drove me into the rain forest, and I absolutely fell another 20 miles for him. I’m a farmer… and the rainforest is like a garden of my houseplants. Orchids that match those tattooed on my arm, banana trees… birds. It’s just so much to take in and I’m already so vulnerable.
I start to cry. I can’t help it. I’m overwhelmed and so devastated that there’s only one day left. I miss him already and I can hardly breathe at the thought of going back to my life without him, with no sight of seeing him any time soon after tomorrow.
This is classic Jenni. I mourn the moment passing before it arrives. It was looking at a 30 foot fern that pushed me over the edge, and again in the gift shop when he smiled at me and held out a candle for me to smell.
I love this man so much. We work so well together and my life feels like a fucking fairytale and I like it. So shoot me. Fuck the details, my glass slippers had gotten dusty.
I’d sat in the mall the day before, in nothing but a sundress because I’d taken my wet swimsuit off… sitting gingerly and eating the sushi he’d bought for me… watching him stand in line and seeing him motion for me to start eating without him. My first thought? All that’s missing is a flash mob. My sundress is dangerously thin and I feel like climbing on the table to sing my love to this man. A woman walked up and smiled at me.
W- You are newlyweds. The way you look at your husband tells me.
I just smiled… and watching him walk towards me smiling gave me a few new wrinkles while mine deepened. Yup… I’m gonna marry the hell out of this divine creature…
But the rainforest overwhelmed me to the point I had to cry about it, to him.
J- I’m just overwhelmed. This is a lot and I miss you and I don’t want to miss you. You bring me here, show me all these amazing things, love me to my toes… and in two days I’ll be asking someone if they want chips or fries and shoveling snow. Ack.
T- Shhhhh, I’m right here.
He drove me deeper and deeper into forest-y bliss and I worked at fighting back the tears that were waiting to fall. We stopped at a waterfall and tried to take pictures. We climbed a tower. We kissed in the rainforest… we hiked to a waterfall. If he hadn’t been ten feet in front of me, I’d have pulled him off that path and had my way with him.
T- I wanna put a baby in your belly.
J- How do you feel about adoption? I’ve always wanted a baby from China. I read The Lost Daughters of China before my daughter was born and it changed my life.
T- Yeah I’m cool with that. I like my dress shirts starched and the Chinese do it best. Let’s get a black kid to do the yard work and a 17 year old french girl to clean the house too.
J- I get a 25 year old son for every 17 year old daughter you want to adopt.
T- Absolutely- we need some retarded kids too, just to balance it out.
Blink, blink, blink… I’m literally standing in the damn rain forest, in Puerto Rico, with the man of my dreams, who is mouthing words that make me want to vomit…. and laughing about them.
We drove back to the hotel and I pulled a dress out of my bag… tracing the seam with my fingernail and realizing the next time I wear it I’ll be heartsick. I’ll be away from him. I’ll be home.
He feels so much like where I want to be, forever…. ish.
There are red flags flying… and I’m working overtime to ignore them.
Fucking red flags…………. I want this, dammit… but no.
I dissolve… and cry… and miss him out loud… and stumble over my words.
J- Come with me. Come. I miss you already. This is awful and I can’t do this. I’m overwhelmed and I love you and this is just…. too much.
Big tears. Huge.
T- Wanna impress me? Bring me to your island.
J- It’ll take me a little bit, but ok. Deal. I love you.
T- I love you too.
The highlight? We found the cutest pregnant kitty at some roadside juice/food stand. We sat and drank coconut water out of coconuts, he fed me flan with his spoon and I could not resist playing with the sweet little bloated thing. She must have had a dozen babies in her belly… and she kinda loved me as much as I loved her. The pictures are on his phone or I’d show you. I kissed her cute little furry face and wished her luck birthing her MANY babies and she rolled onto her back in the sun. Lovely little creature… like a kindred spirit in my hour of need.
Jesus… this is so hard to write about…