I finally slept last night. Ahhh.
For the first time since I got back, and that first traumatic morning home was exactly a month ago today, I finally feel better.
For the first time in a month, my phone didn’t wake me up at 2, 3, & 4 in the morning with his judgements and hate.
For the first time? He knows I know everything. All the carefully constructed lies, told with the idea of inspiring love or guilt. All the criticism from a man building a house of sand with a girl who asks too many questions and owns her own tools. I had dreams about sewing body bags with his wife all night. I wish I were joking. I’m more than a little horrified after reading that her and I are pretty similar. I wish I could soften the blow that reading my blog will be for her.
Like everyone, getting personal details out of him was work, until I was laying in paradise all wrapped up in the fantasy. Talking marriage & babies. He referred to me as his wife both publicly and privately.
There were moments I felt like I was somehow helping him enact his fantasy life he’d blogged for all of us. Intimately? He really does growl- and it’s awkward. He’s big into restraining your movement… which freaked me out a little and I had to beg him more than once to let me go. He’s more than a little aggressive, and used to getting his way with everything.
He fell in love with me in Puerto Rico and I don’t think he expected to. I think he honestly expected to have some wild four day fling, the end. He wasn’t prepared for the fact that I’m incredibly difficult to dislike. I don’t like to argue. I don’t need to have my way and I’m used to serving people. I write love notes, I sing love songs, I draw hearts in the sand… The transgressions of the horrible men in my past do not weigh on me. I don’t carry baggage with me from relationship to relationship. If it can’t fit in my Coach purse, it’s not coming along.
I watched him shake his head at me while I giggled with the valet drivers, and kissed me spontaneously when I asked the guy at lunch if I could take a picture of his roast pig. The man didn’t speak any English so I smiled at him, held up my camera and pointed. He took a step back and I shook my head and motioned for him to stay in the picture. He smiled back and handled me one of the pigs ears, saying I was crazy in Spanish and I started to laugh. He blushed, realizing I knew what he said and he handed me another ear for T.
For my husband…. or someone else’s as it turns out.
Ice cold diet Coke, yellow rice so hot the container it was in was a little soft and a pound of smoked pork. Lechon. The same pork he’s talking about in the video I posted yesterday. I’m ridiculously uptight about fat on meat. I can’t do it. I grew up eating filet mignon and the first time I saw prime rib I was horrified. Why would anyone want to dig through all that? Uck. I’m gingerly picking and choosing pieces to eat and he stops eating and looks at me.
T- Do you have any idea how much I love you?
He started to sing. I blushed and he stopped.
T- You are not what I expected. You’re soft and sweet and so pleasant. Waking up to you is like waking up with a real live angel. You’re gracious and classy and so beautiful. I already loved you, but now I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. All that fire and spice is still there, but you’re mother did an amazing job of raising a lady and I’m proud to walk in with you anywhere we go.
I was so stunned I couldn’t really speak, and I was fighting back tears.
T- Marry me. Move to St. Thomas and let me make you happy for the rest of your life. I live to see that smile turn into a laugh contagious enough to make a room full of mourners laugh along with you. I see the happiness in your face and only want to see what it looks like when I make you even happier.
J- I can’t move. My life is in Idaho and I would never leave my children.
He wrapped up the food that was sitting in front of us, and threw it all away. Huh. He needed to pick up sunscreen and Mr. pumice for “the ladies in his office” it was probably his wife on the phone, for all I know.
He stopped the car in the Walmart parking lot and went to get out and I put my hand on his arm to stop him.
J- You said a lot back there… I love you too- but it’s not fair to compliment me, then get angry in the next breath because the foundation of my character says you wont be waking up to me in St. Thomas every morning. I can come visit- you can come see me- but we both have responsibilities and obligations that keep us apart. I love you enough to try.
T- That’s not enough.
Ugh… I should have known early on that this was some great test of what I was willing to do. I got this email from him just before leaving… and at the time I was all stupid and flowery over him. Now when I read it, it makes my blood run cold. Some people are just never satisfied… and I think perhaps I’ve dated their king. 🙂
I don’t know what he was thinking when he encouraged me to take so many pictures. I’d promised not to post them on my blog to maintain his privacy.
Or perhaps his marriage….