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Relief.

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I finally slept last night. Ahhh.

For the first time since I got back, and that first traumatic morning home was exactly a month ago today, I finally feel better.

For the first time in a month, my phone didn’t wake me up at 2, 3, & 4 in the morning with his judgements and hate.

For the first time? He knows I know everything. All the carefully constructed lies, told with the idea of inspiring love or guilt. All the criticism from a man building a house of sand with a girl who asks too many questions and owns her own tools. I had dreams about sewing body bags with his wife all night. I wish I were joking. I’m more than a little horrified after reading that her and I are pretty similar. I wish I could soften the blow that reading my blog will be for her.

Like everyone, getting personal details out of him was work, until I was laying in paradise all wrapped up in the fantasy. Talking marriage & babies. He referred to me as his wife both publicly and privately.

There were moments I felt like I was somehow helping him enact his fantasy life he’d blogged for all of us. Intimately? He really does growl- and it’s awkward. He’s big into restraining your movement… which freaked me out a little and I had to beg him more than once to let me go. He’s more than a little aggressive, and used to getting his way with everything.

He fell in love with me in Puerto Rico and I don’t think he expected to. I think he honestly expected to have some wild four day fling, the end. He wasn’t prepared for the fact that I’m incredibly difficult to dislike. I don’t like to argue. I don’t need to have my way and I’m used to serving people. I write love notes, I sing love songs, I draw hearts in the sand… The transgressions of the horrible men in my past do not weigh on me. I don’t carry baggage with me from relationship to relationship. If it can’t fit in my Coach purse, it’s not coming along.

I watched him shake his head at me while I giggled with the valet drivers, and kissed me spontaneously when I asked the guy at lunch if I could take a picture of his roast pig. The man didn’t speak any English so I smiled at him, held up my camera and pointed. He took a step back and I shook my head and motioned for him to stay in the picture. He smiled back and handled me one of the pigs ears, saying I was crazy in Spanish and I started to laugh. He blushed, realizing I knew what he said and he handed me another ear for T.

Esposo…

For my husband…. or someone else’s as it turns out.

Ice cold diet Coke, yellow rice so hot the container it was in was a little soft and a pound of smoked pork. Lechon. The same pork he’s talking about in the video I posted yesterday. I’m ridiculously uptight about fat on meat. I can’t do it. I grew up eating filet mignon and the first time I saw prime rib I was horrified. Why would anyone want to dig through all that? Uck. I’m gingerly picking and choosing pieces to eat and he stops eating and looks at me.

T- Do you have any idea how much I love you?

J- Maybe…

He started to sing. I blushed and he stopped.

T- You are not what I expected. You’re soft and sweet and so pleasant. Waking up to you is like waking up with a real live angel. You’re gracious and classy and so beautiful. I already loved you, but now I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. All that fire and spice is still there, but you’re mother did an amazing job of raising a lady and I’m proud to walk in with you anywhere we go.

I was so stunned I couldn’t really speak, and I was fighting back tears.

T- Marry me. Move to St. Thomas and let me make you happy for the rest of your life. I live to see that smile turn into a laugh contagious enough to make a room full of mourners laugh along with you. I see the happiness in your face and only want to see what it looks like when I make you even happier.

J- I can’t move. My life is in Idaho and I would never leave my children.

He wrapped up the food that was sitting in front of us, and threw it all away. Huh. He needed to pick up sunscreen and Mr. pumice for “the ladies in his office” it was probably his wife on the phone, for all I know.

He stopped the car in the Walmart parking lot and went to get out and I put my hand on his arm to stop him.

J- You said a lot back there… I love you too- but it’s not fair to compliment me, then get angry in the next breath because the foundation of my character says you wont be waking up to me in St. Thomas every morning. I can come visit- you can come see me- but we both have responsibilities and obligations that keep us apart. I love you enough to try.

T- That’s not enough.

Ugh… I should have known early on that this was some great test of what I was willing to do. I got this email from him just before leaving… and at the time I was all stupid and flowery over him. Now when I read it, it makes my blood run cold. Some people are just never satisfied… and I think perhaps I’ve dated their king. 🙂

Goodnight darling girl…
 
I adore you, I honestly do.  A few rules of engagement that I live by: Tommy…must smell amazing…if he doesn’t then he’s throwing a fit to make certain no one is around him before he can find a shower…  he eats really well…  yes, it’s true…I can be coaxed into eating bad things like cheetos and jelly filled donuts at 3 in the morning, but he;s drank a bit too much to recognize the taste of either…get him on a regular day and he can tell you how “prime” your prime cut is and how he lingers around the kitchen door to find out how clean the place really is…
 
And then there’s love…  when I can only bring up 3 rules, love must be in one of them….he loves deeper than any body of water you’ve been in….he understands the capacity to love starts with the desire to make the other person happier than he’s making himself….and from there?  It’s an incredible mix of feeling like you’re falling in love over and over again…and most of the time, people numb out to this feeling, but not him…he tunes it and adjusts to make it last over and over like a rolling orgasm that you crave…yet it’s not your body he’s focused upon, it’s your heart…it’s your depth….how can you love when X occurs…how do you recover when X happens….and then Tommy tests you…  and when you give everything to hold it together, you find Thomas at the end…  the man that tommy isn’t capable of being…  someone soft, complicated, and who gives you instant respect for dealing with the tests you’ve dealt with and by completing them, you need rest…reward…and satisfaction…  imagine being pampered….and then imagine your heart so happy that you fall in love daily over and over and it doesn’t stop….euphoric love…it happens…and it’s difficult to reach…yet with faith, and truly hard effort and the ability to pass every test that comes your way, you will know you have been completely loved by one man who had faith in you even when he doubts himself…..incredible exceptions to his rules…rarely pass my tests…but when they do, they think God has heard them praying…secret prayers and only an angel could deliver a man who is capable of loving you like I am…  that man is buried in me…he’s my favorite person….bring him to me and I’ll give you the world like you’ve never imagined…  if you fail, then you’ll have unforgettable nights with a man who’ll be someone you’ll not forget yet the man who could have given you everything a heart could desire…  constant butterflies…  over and over for years…  It’s the heartbreak of the last girl whom I will never speak to again… and in the end, she didn’t deserve the man I love to be…prove to me why you want that man?  I’ll prove to you the reasons to love him until the end of time…
 
Only you can prove how important the desires of your heart really are…  loyalty, courage, and being a sanctuary when you are needed…  I should feel as though you are the air I can’t live without…  be that girl… 
 
I love you…I honestly do, and it’s not hard to admit, but you have the love that is easily earned, i want the hard earned love to let you know what amazing and euphoric love can inspire… bring him to life…prepare to work hard…nothing worthwhile is easy and I’m especially difficult….yet it’s only the love of a lifetime…what’s that worth to you? 
T

******

I don’t know what he was thinking when he encouraged me to take so many pictures. I’d promised not to post them on my blog to maintain his privacy.

Or perhaps his marriage….

16 responses »

  1. I have followed you blog for a while now, and have jsut fallen in love with your spirit, your strength and your charactor through following you through this whole ordeal. Thank you for continuing to write about it. I do feel for his wife, and if it were me, I would want to know.

    I hope you do feel releif, and i hope you find all the wonderful amazing things in your life that you truly deserve.

    Reply
  2. The email fucking pisses me off.

    Love does not have to prove itself. It’s mere existence is more than proof. Love is given freely, and most meaningfully when it is not “earned” or “deserved”.

    He doesn’t even deserve to earn the right to grovel at your feet, or any woman’s for that matter, much less have their love.

    Reply
  3. Tucker Max is a misogynistic serial user of women, who keep throwing themselves at him, though he is honest about what he wants at all times and doesn’t lie about it – and even he has asked, on the forum of his old site, the following question:

    How do you know you’re in love with someone if you’ve never talked to them or met them?

    Again, at the risk of sounding like an ass, you flew out to an island far away from your home, risking your life in a place you have never been, risking your kids possibly losing their mother, spending a lot of money, based on the sweet seductive words of some guy on the internet who was clearly flirting with other women besides you.

    Have I got that about right? Have I misunderstood the situation?

    By the same token, everevie – who gives a crap HOW she tells his wife, or even IF she tells his wife? Since the alternative is letting her go on in oblivion, which is crueler? He sounds like he likes control, and that it might go to the physical – yet another reason to meet a guy with your friends around you in a public place, not to fly by yourself thousands of miles away to meet him – and it also sounds like women need to be warned about this Pied Piper of Douchebaggery. Marriage after 4-5 days? Please.

    That’s my $.02

    Reply
    • I rolled the dice Edward… after a year of concentrated attention and endless sweet talking. Was it stupid? Yeah. It didn’t feel like it in the moment, not that it explains anything.

      He bought my ticket & paid for most everything. I spent $300 on drinks & meals for the last 2 days. I had no idea he was flirting/conversing with anyone else. He was insanely jealous and told me he was on the straight and narrow. I bought it. :/

      I’ll never get on a plane again Edward, scouts honor…. and Pied Piper of Douchebaggery… I may have to change his blog name from Liarpants2.

      I so appreciate your male opinion… thank you.

      Reply
      • I hope that didn’t sound like an attack. I meant it as an observation. I maybe err on the side of dismissal in cases like this, to a fault, but most of the time this stuff sounds, well, Nigerian to me.

  4. Thank you for your answer Jenni.

    Reply
    • Shit…now I’M sorry for being bitchy Jenni. Look, I know this is very tough on you. I have been reading your blog FOREVER…and I even emailed you months and months ago to tell you I was following your blog…and that I both admired and worried about you.

      You never responded to me.

      So, I’ve never hated you. Whatever you’ve heard otherwise, you heard from a pathological liar.

      That’s all I’ve got…

      Reply
  5. I see stuff like that all the time on Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Miss Manners, Prudie (on Slate) and Double XX. The impression I get is hitting on you once in a bar is keep it to yourself, but paying for you to fly across the country is yes, tell, immediately. And I’m thinking of the kids. The money he spent for you to fly out – what will his kids now have to do without? That’s how I think of it. Kids. Can I face them? Can I tell them? Would they buy it? If any of that would make me feel like lying, or not facing myself or them, then hey, not gonna work out.

    Reply
  6. Oh. My god… I am so sorry Jenni …

    Reply
  7. If you do a little research into con men and their tactics (and I use that word very deliberately) this is all standard operating procedure. I went through it in 1998, and many of these features are familiar. They love-bomb you to a degree that is bizarre and abnormal. They woo you with an ardor no normal man can offer. Then, because you are prey and they are predator, when you flee they are vicious…I had phone calls like yours. My sitch was worse becs my guy was local and lied (yes) the local DA to accuse *me* of lying…to save himself.

    People who have never encountered sociopath have no idea what they are capable of.

    Reply

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