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No Regrets

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My fun little jaunt to Puerto Rico taught me plenty… but the real lessons came rolling in when I got back.

I flew further than I’d ever flown in my life, and made a dozen new friends… each one more shocked than the last that I was flying 4000 miles for a first date. Yeah… it’s a little unorthadox, isn’t it?

But… I need to pull out my soap box a little because it’s all too easy to hear this story and pigeon hole me as some garden variety casualty of the Disney generation mentality.

I’m a smart girl. I juggle a lot in my life. I run my own home, plant a freakin’ acre of vegetables every year and juggle 3 jobs. I write daily to clear the chaos from my head so that I can sleep at night… and if I’m lucky- that’s for 4-5 hours. My closest friends know that I’m painfully intuitive and I can finish your sentences because I’m incredibly perceptive.

If he could fool me? He could fool anyone.

I fell in love with an idea, and a fantasy… and I don’t regret it for a second.

I woke up to him counting down for months. He called me regularly. I talked to him all day & night with my chatty app on my phone. He knew when the dinner rush would hit at work and I’d feel him vibrating in my apron, either being loving or downright scandalous. He memorized what I preferred for a year and he was incredibly thorough in pursuing me.

Picture texts every day of the ocean while he ate his lunch. Automated calls from Santa that said “Your husband Thomas, can’t wait to bring you red velvet cupcakes in bed” … not the signs of a married man- and not late night alcohol fueled mistakes that can be excused. I was his all day focus and he worked overtime to convince me to come see him.

I didn’t make it easy. I blogged about my friends fearing he would sell me into sexual slavery… and he got offended.

T- If I wanted to get laid, I would- why on earth would I spend all this money if that’s what I was after. I love you- and I want more than your body.

I’ll never understand his motivation- and I’ll never know what he was thinking… but I got to go to Puerto Rico and play in the rainforest in February, and I learned priceless lessons.

1. If he seems too good to be true? HE FUCKING IS! Seriously. Put the fucking Disney movies away and face facts. You are just as special as the girl who has a mullet and rocks the blue walmart vest with too much swag. Only her boyfriend is honest. If he tells you you’re amazing, beautiful and everything he ever wanted in his whole life BEFORE meeting you? He’s as crazy as you assume. Don’t let pretty words cloud your common sense.

2. If you get to the airport and he’s not there, if you don’t have your own room like he’d implied and if you aren’t attracted to him? Call your damn mother and get your stubborn embarrassed ass on a flight home. Nobody will think any less of you and TRUST ME… you don’t want to relate to my last night in Puerto Rico. No offense to the island, but you couldn’t force me back there at gun point.

3. If you smell a wife? You smell a wife. We all know… and when you’re wifey spidey sense acts up… start digging. He flipped out when I asked- and I should have known that was a red flag.

4. As awful as the last night was? I can honestly admit I’d have flown home and carefully de-tangled myself from him. His alcoholism is a deal breaker. I love a guy that can drink and be fun, but if you turn into an asshole or sleep with other people ? We’re not gonna work out. After trying on my favorite bad habit I know one thing for sure- I would have cheated on him…. 4000 miles have a way of weakening my resolve.

5. Any man who doesn’t have the balls to send an email or a text message apologizing for making a home-wrecker out of you, torturing you for a month AND sending your phone number out to dozens of other people he’d romanced/talked to/etc behind your back…deserves his old age spotted cheating face splashed all over the internet. I’m always amazed at the men who think it’s a good idea to lie to me. I don’t mince words and I don’t pull punches.

6. When you forsake one woman? The rest of the women come to her defense. I don’t blame a single person for not telling me about my cheating lying King Douche Bagistan boyfriend, Thomas Murray. I loved him with all the blind faith he worked so hard to inspire and I do not regret it. I refuse to let a con artist rob the sweet faith I stand behind. I’m worth a walk through the rain forest. I’m the girlfriend worth flying 4000 miles to meet and I’m damn happy I had the balls to go. I had every reason to, and though I learned it was all bunch of bullshit in the long run, I also protected myself in the midst of my crazy drugged last night. I walked away with bruises, but not an extra bag and not a chip on my shoulder. He’s a douche bag- cheating on his wife while she listens to the frogs sing and drinks the same drink he’s making for me on the next island over. He’s not worth giving a part of my spirit away.

7. Women inspired are women on fire. They don’t leave a stone unturned and I have NO idea how they found all they did, but if they hadn’t? I would still be sending him pathetic text apologies while he terrorized me every day. They may not have told me when I wasn’t ready to hear it, but when I was? They stormed in like Navy Seals and put an end to his abuse, immediately. This blogging community is not something to mess with, and as big as it is, it’s also a small world just like everywhere else. We take care of our own… and we also burn our own at the stake when they deserve it. You’re welcome, Thomas, it’s gotten a little hot, huh dog?

8. It’s ok to make mistakes! It’s what makes us human. So it might hurt. Oh well. So it might not be what you imagined. When is it? Every single one of us has to get over the idea that it’s supposed to be easy. It’s life. It’s hard. Strive to make it better or face the consequences of settling.

It’s really pretty simple. I rolled the dice and got snake eyes. It didn’t work out. I took a risk… took a chance… and survived. I don’t really think he’s dangerous, I think he’s just pathetic and had to go to great lengths to make someone consider him a viable option.

I’m responsible for my own choices and I don’t regret them. I had sunshine in February and amazing sushi. I had great sex, rum from the factory and silky soft sand between my toes. When it comes to playing parts in a fairytale- I’d rather be Cinderella- and it wasn’t so bad slipping into a pair of glass flip-flops.

I made the decision based on months of love and concentrated effort. I didn’t have any reason to suspect him because he was over the top about it all. When I learned the truth? I made every effort to hang him with it.

Just as he should have known was coming…

Or at the very least, knows now.

7 responses »

  1. And this, my dear, sums up every reason why you’re too good for him and always were. :-).

    Reply
  2. A very good post and I commend you for your realistic and positive outlook about the whole thing.

    I came to a realization after leaving my abusive partner after 10 yrs. He was the love of my life, just loving him felt wonderful, because I had never loved like that before in my life. The fact that he didn’t love me back and for him it was all part of an elaborate lie and fabricated life didn’t devalue MY love. My love had been pure and unconditional and that is never anything to be ashamed of. I wanted to hate him but I couldn’t and no one could understand why not; not even me.

    You said you don’t believe he is dangerous and just sick. I caution you that he more than likely is dangerous. I didn’t have the support like you did and I went back; many times and I refused to believe he could ever kill me. If it weren’t for his own sister I would have stayed and I would probably be dead. I doubt Thomas is done with you; they are rarely able to walk away without at least one curtain call.

    I know all the things people say, “I would have seen the red flags”, “He hit on me and I was turned off”, I saw him for what he was”, “someone who falls in love over the internet is desperate or out of touch with reality” , there is a general opinion that a woman who gets sucked in by these guys are weak, stupid, desperate, looking for a man to take care of them, lacking in confidence and self esteem.

    When I met my ex I was confident, I had been a working single mom for most of my son’s 16 yrs, I was attractive and my social calendar was as full as I wanted it to be, I knew I was sexy and I knew how to keep a man satisfied. I was out spoken, had no problem standing up to anyone and I certainly never thought a man would have the opportunity to hit me twice. I actually thought he loved me more than I loved him and made a conscious effort to allow him to spoil me and take care of me like he kept saying he wanted to.

    I didn’t meet my ex on the net but he had many personal ads on the net that I found and read his correspondence. I would have fallen in love with him, he was sweet, romantic, funny, handsome, and talented, travelled, played in a band, road a motorcycle, made good money was semi retired and honest. He was looking for a woman who wasn’t into games, liked romance, sex that made the neighbors light a smoke. The guy I met and fell in love with and now treated me like he hated me but wouldn’t let me leave. He had 6 women on the hook.

    These men, narcissist/psychopath’s, go after women that aren’t easy to get because its a bigger ego boost.

    Reply
  3. Thank fucking God I was led to your blog. I’m so sorry Jenni for what you went through. I was prepared and getting ready to board a plane to San Juan to spend 4 days with Thomas on March 23. Even though my inner critic/skeptic/self said “wake the fuck up!” It took this and the precariousgait’s blog to show me the light. Thank you. By the way, Thomas told me about your time in San Juan with him — but he spun it so you were the crazy one, you beat him up and left him with bruises and you stole from him. I have the email he sent if you’d like it. I am totally freaked out, but so grateful. Hugs to you Jenni. You’re worth so much more — so am I. So is every woman. Looks like I’m going to San Francisco for a few days – may not be tropical, but it will certainly be safer! 🙂 Thx.

    Reply
    • ^^THIS, my dear Jenni, is why you are incredibly brave for outing this sociopath.
      PDX Running Chick–you dodged a bullet the size of a cannon ball.

      Reply
    • I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I’m not.

      I wish I could say I were disappointed, but I saw it coming.

      What I can say? Is that if it saved you from what I went through, then it was all worth it.

      He’s nothing more than a con-artist with a gold Amex card. I’m really glad you found all this out before you went. ♥

      Reply
  4. Oh, Jenni! What a mess. I’m so glad you’re safe & that you survived such a horror. Your bravery and resilience are a constant inspiration to me.

    xoxox Maggie

    Reply

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