RSS Feed

Proof God loves me…

Posted on

Working through heartache fucking sucks… and this is no exception.

I’m not sleeping well, and it’s ten times worse when I have the day off. Yaaaaaaawn… and I’m exhausted.

If I can sleep past 4, it’s a miracle. My feet hit the cold hardwood floor at 4:05 this morning. Ugh. It’s a light snow/rain mix and I’ll go crazy if I sit here in the dark empty house. I miss my kids, I’m lonely, argh… frankly I’m miserably unfulfilled and goddamn tired of it.

Tie on my running shoes. Throw on his sweatshirt. Pout.

The first hundred feet are the hardest for me when the weather sucks. After I’m hot and struggling to breathe, cursing my cigarettes and the fact I live where it CAN snow- I’m fine.

But those first hundred feet?

I bargain with myself.

“This is insane. Why are you even out here? WTF? The perc to being single is NOT running in shitty weather. That’s why God made satellite television and knitting.”

and I fight my laziness with fact…

“Whatever- looking good is the best revenge and he’s going to feel ten times worse looking at you blissfully happy and burn the house down hot than he would if you ran into him carrying cupcakes and knitting needles. Healthy vices turn into healthy habits. KEEP GOING”

Being in a bad mood only makes me run further, faster… and the music is so loud in my ears that my eardrums may burst before my body gives out.

Nicki keeps me going and I didn’t realize how far I’d ran until I realize how wet my calves are. I turn around, started heading for home and it started snowing harder… and the wind started to howl.

I’ve gone far enough to feel good about my little running temper tantrum, now I just want to blink and wiggle my nose and be home. No dice, I’m at least an hour away.

So I face the ugly irritants in my life that are really weighing on me.

I can’t be mad at Thomas any more. He’s ruined so many things and lied to so many people. I’m one on a list and if anything, that’s what hurts the most. I hope he finds his conscience, and I hope he makes amends for the hearts he’s broken and will continue to break. Actually when I’m out running in the slush, I wish the worst of the gold-digging con-artists on him. That’s what he really deserves.

My bad habit is just too damn unreliable.

I have the nicest guy totally and completely stupid crazy about me- and I keep him at arms length because I am not ready for that. I prefer a bad habit to a regular one.

I’m out of the pool, and trying not to take advantage of someone’s feelings, purely to make myself feel better. I’m fighting my codependency and winning- how bout that? πŸ™‚

Running is perfect for working out the worlds problems, or your own, and getting some much needed exercise too.

I’m incredibly burned out and facing my kids birthdays just around the corner, something that breaks my heart a little each year. It’s gone by so fast… and I miss their infancy. Life was so much more simple when I only had to worry about breastfeeding and sewing Halloween costumes.

I run around the corner and slip… oh yes… slushy muddy goodness, and my hands covered in the same. Uck. No more running in slush… this absolutely sucks so badly. I’m pretty close to home though.

I decide to walk the rest of the way, even though the smart thing to do would be to run, because I’m freezing. I turn the music down a little and fight off any sad feelings looking at the empty road ahead of me.

and a car pulls up behind me and I hear a voice say…

H- Jen?

I don’t recognize the voice and I turn around and strain to see who it is in the early morning dusky darkness.

OH NO IT’S NOT.

It’s the extremely hot customer I crush on…. think Pierce Brosnan and David Beckham combined. Beautiful AND delicious…. and very much the last person on earth I want to drive up behind me right now.

H- Hey hop in, you look like a drowned rat.

Well there goes any romantic notion that I was somehow making the wet early morning runner thing, look hot. I’m struggling to get out of the threat of increased closeness.

J- No, but thanks- my house is just up ahead.

H- I know, I’ve seen you out there gardening before. Hop in and let me give you a lift home or I’ll worry all day.

He’s in a suit, clearly on his way to Spokane for work this morning and looking every bit the GQ fantasy in my mind. I’m in running pants, capilene and my “Real girls eat meat” tshirt. Dear God in heaven…

J- I’m wet and dirty… you don’t want me to even sit in your car right now.

H- Wet and dirty huh? Now I insist. I have a towel if you’re worried, but I really don’t care. Hop in!

I’m wondering how obvious it would be to use the edge of my soaking wet shirt to clean up my mascara, which I can assume is smudgy… and I climb in. Omg… he’s so clean and dry.

And I am literally a drowned rat. He drives past my driveway and I point and he smiles.

H- I’m going for coffee right around the corner and I insist on taking you for some too. You look frozen and your teeth are chattering.

A 16 oz. cup heaven, with a side of charm and chivalry. He dropped me off and I sent him on his way with one of my chocolate peanut butter cupcakes and a smile.

I look like hell, but my cupcakes make gay men propose to me.

Not what I expected on my morning run this morning, and somewhat mortifying… but a lovely beginning to my day off.

19 responses »

  1. I respect you in making the choice to stop hating him. We are ready for your regular stories again. I was a long time reader of his and I met him while vacationing with friends of mine on a cruise. Thomas took us out on his boat and everyone had a great time. It is hard for any woman to turn a guy like him away. He has charm, and is romantic, but he never lied to me. He told me he was wild & loved women and wasn’t interested in less than the life he had. He is the pirate he told me he was. He is a beautiful man who has a problem of never being satisfied. I hated to read how things fell apart for you after experiencing romance which any woman would fall to. I was never angry at him. I felt lucky that I spent a little time with a guy man who knew I was more than a pretty face. Out of this entire situation there is loss and gain. I miss his words just like a lot of your followers do and I’ll not read those anymore. For you, there is gain, you have finally found the power of forgiveness. All children of God find forgiveness as the blessing that brings peace no matter what the circumstance.

    Blessings,
    Mandy

    Reply
    • I completely respect your opinion, up until the point I have to remind everyone that while he was enjoying his time with you or me, his wife was sitting at home and had no idea about his desire for a pirate lifestyle or his blog. To me, the truth has erased any respect I ever had for him.

      Now when I look at him clearly and his “charm” I see a common con-artist who targets women vulnerable enough to believe his sales pitch. I officially know too much to ever look back at a moment with him with anything more than regret.

      I don’t hate him, but I’ll pity him forever.

      Reply
      • Oh, you should check back with her. He and she were separated for 4 years. Just ask her. In the end, it doesn’t matter, I am happy you found a higher road to travel. Your pictures are similar to mine. I was thrilled to be near him and I craved him regardless of his faults, he knows he’s not good for any woman, but at the same time, other men forget what comes second nature to him. Since I saw him a year ago theres not a man who could come close. I think he became lost after losing someone who meant do much to him. I don’t regret spending time with him, I regret that he seems lost and can’t find his way back.

        Mandy

      • In my opinion, separated with the intention to be together again is still married. I’ve been that girl before- I’ve cheated and been cheated on. I don’t ever want to be that person again and he made that choice FOR me by lying to me. That’s not a man, that’s a predator.

        He read my blog and exploited my weaknesses. He played the same game with all of us, I was just stupid enough to fall for it.

        I’m the only one that got a free trip to Puerto Rico too though, lol.

        You’re far more nostalgic than I- I don’t hate him, but I still dislike him intensely and think he needs psychological help. He’s a predator, plain and simple. Exploiting women with the skills he’s honed at being a smooth talking super gentleman. Until you add alcohol… then the whole game changes. He gets off on criticizing and cutting you down, only to turn around and kiss your fingertips. He’s an experience into sociopathy, if you ask me.

        The funniest thing is, all he had to do was be sweet and blow me off and he would have gotten away with the whole thing. He could have just ignored my emails, etc if that was his intention…. but he was ANGRY. Furious and determined to spend at least an hour a day criticizing and complaining to me.

        With a wife in the bed next to him, the whole time he tormented me. He’s sick. Seriously.

        I’m happy for you that you had a positive experience with him, that makes one of us.

    • I’d bet my next paycheck this is just Thomas’s new nom de plume. Either that, or he’s putting someone up to the task.

      Reply
  2. The Old Heave Ho

    I’m not sure if this will help but I was listening to music and this song made me thing of what you are going through. Check out Erica sunshine Lee without you I’m still me

    Reply
  3. God does love you… Who else’s crush would come and take them for a crush at that hour in that weather… I’m impressed! πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  4. miss you

    Reply
    • Perhaps you should text or email me then? Posting comments on my blog will not get you anywhere. Period.

      If you think I don’t respond kindly to your drunk texts, keep going with this and you’ll see what a pain in the ass I can be. Listen… reread what you’re sending to me before you send it. If I copied and pasted what you text me, to my bad habit? He’d be afraid.

      Reply
  5. Mandy it is interesting to me that you emerge at this juncture with a “he never lied to me” story after all of these weeks. You’ll the only one of dozens of women that he was so upfront with, if that is true. Now why would that be?? While there may be some truth to their separation, why/how would he disclose the existence of a marriage and its duration to you, and no one else before or since. You are a couple of key phrases away from making me believe that you are Thomas himself blogging in disguise (insert the use of the words such and amazing to tip the scales all the way over). Better that you say nothing and keep your pleasant memories to yourself if they are real. Jenni has proven herself to be genuine, sane and transparent in all of this. Thomas lies to everyone, even when he doesn’t have to. The life he has created in blog-world was parallel to his unfulfilling reality. For any good qualities his negative aspects Jenni characterized here dead on: his liquor persona, never walking with you but far ahead, overly critical, etc. I knew him over a decade ago when he was fat. His relationship with N has always been unorthodox/nontraditional. When I reconnected with him in 2010 he had celebrated being person he’d become. He had/has a desperate need to be celebrated and admired which is where many of the lies and embellished tales come from. I am shameful for missing him at all. The feeling makes me feel dirty. His lies and disregard for anyone’s feelings should resonnate with anyone who misses him or his blog. I have been too ashamed of my dirty-missing him to do anything other than read all of these blogs (alone and in the dark, usually with a drink in hand). Your comments anger and bewilder me “Mandy”, because if you have been reading these ladies blogs over the past few weeks how could you have the stones to defend him in any way and more directly, why would you comment your defense of him on Jenni’s blog for any reason except to illustrate something to Thomas or because you are Thomas writing in disguise. I pity you- whoever you are.
    By the way, with the few details I have placed here if T is reading this he knows exactly who I am. Thomas: I deleted your make-believe Cappy from my Facebook. Please don’t drunk dial me again like you did last month, especially with your son on the phone. Be a real grown up.

    Reply
    • I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate this. I spent yesterday quite a bit bent out of shape that someone would actually have the balls to talk about their happy regret-free feelings and/or missing him and his pack of lies. Sorry Mandy- but it’s truly bad form. That’s like telling a rape victim you dated her rapist when he was a nice guy.

      The angry drunk dial is really a Thomas specialty. I thought the same thing about this possibly being him clinging to one last attempt to make himself look better, but frankly it’s too little, too late even if it is.

      I’m so sorry. I hate reading that there’s another person in the boat with all of us Thomas-Targets… it’s an unpleasant place to be but the company is pretty stellar, it turns out. He does have great taste in women.

      Damn that pissed me off when he walked ten feet in front of me with his back to me. Ugh. No class.

      Reply
    • What is even more interesting to me is that Mandy, Mr. Bartender, and R are all bloggers whose name is “black” as opposed to “red” and you cannot click on them to get to their home page.

      What’s up with that?

      Reply
  6. Jenni – you’re welcome. I just couldn’t hold it in any more. Yes I totally agree that Thomas does have good taste in women, from what I have observed.

    Off The Wall, I am sorry I don’t know you’re name. I don’t blog myself. I am just a reader/follower. Not sure that I have that much to say of interest.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: