30 Days of Truth, Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for.

When I realized my relationship was imploding, I was also hit with the stark realization that I would be giving birth without a partner. I tried to get around my feelings every which way, because I felt like he deserved to be there… but there was so much hurt and disappointment between us, that I knew I had to prepare for the possibility that he would not.

My best friend, assured me that I was not alone, and insisted it would be just fine either way. I asked her if she’d be my coach and she agreed with a hug.

The blessed event was a short one, with my sweet baby born in the space of an hour. I realized I was having light contractions around 7 pm, called everyone to tell them I thought I was in labor at 9 and she was born at 10:50. It was a walk in the park compared to the 24 hours it took me to deliver my firstborn, but it they don’t call it labor for nothing.

Adjusting to life with a newborn, as a single parent, is something else. I wish I could go into detail, but sleep deprivation has a way of erasing your memories. Sadly enough, it took the same toll on my friendship with my best friend. She told me she was traumatized from the birth, which is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I treasure each of my children’s births and the last was the easiest.

It ruined our friendship. She stopped coming around, and I removed her from my social media because it annoyed me to see her enjoy the pictures but be otherwise missing in action. I miss her still, and can’t say I understand any more today than I did then.

I’m ashamed to admit how hard it is to forgive her. I suppose I held her to a higher standard than my baby’s father. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I could raise the baby alone. I didn’t know if I could do it without her, and I never dreamed I would have to.

I’m doing alright, if I do say so myself, and I learned something really important in the process of flying solo. I wasn’t just picking the wrong guy to date- I was allowing people into my life that didn’t respect or appreciate me. My picker was broken and I was accepting what life dropped at my door, because I didn’t have the courage to ask for what I wanted.

I forgive her for being a shitty friend when I needed her the most, I wish her all the happiness I’ve always wished for her… and a nice long labor. 🙂

fairweather

30 Days of Truth, Day 3.

forgiveness

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve wracked my brain for days because I have a million somethings, with the most significant being intensely private. I can think of a few dozen, but here are two of the most significant.

*For not being the perfect mother my children deserve.

It’s the least they deserve, seeing as they have been the children I always dreamed of. I’ve come a long way in the nearly 21 years I’ve been a mother, but will always feel the worst for my firstborn, who had to learn alongside me. He was born a few months shy of my 19th birthday and I had all the bullheaded stubbornness of any girl that age, exacerbated by 38 weeks of judgmental glances at my naked ring finger. I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, and I would set out to raise a superhero. I read to him day and night, and he was writing his own name and learning to read by the time he was 3 1/2. People raved about his perfect behavior, extensive vocabulary and sweet disposition. Poor kid… he deserves a week with the soft & easygoing mom I’ve learned to be. I’ve learned to buy the silly unhealthy cereal they really want, because nobody dies and nobody gives you a medal for eating that fruit-juice-sweetened cardboard. Also, nobody enjoys that shit. Lucky Charms may be unhealthy, but they are also magically delicious.

*For not being the fabulous wife of a happy man.

I too, thought I’d live happily ever after, +1. I’m grateful for my single life, but I also know that I’m a wonderful partner, and happiest when I have someone to care for & love. It’s the human condition and I am just as vulnerable as anyone else. Maybe I should be in a loving relationship, but I’m pretty damn satisfied watching what I want to watch on Netflix, while knitting in yoga pants and my favorite ugly sweatshirt.

I’ve made a million mistakes in my life, but the experience I gleaned from those failures is what enabled me to survive. Without having learned the hard way, I would never have known I was capable of thriving under the harshest circumstances.

I forgive myself for not always having all the answers, and for the moments I didn’t have a clue. I’m still learning. 🙂