Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

30 Days of Truth, Day 3.

forgiveness

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’ve wracked my brain for days because I have a million somethings, with the most significant being intensely private. I can think of a few dozen, but here are two of the most significant.

*For not being the perfect mother my children deserve.

It’s the least they deserve, seeing as they have been the children I always dreamed of. I’ve come a long way in the nearly 21 years I’ve been a mother, but will always feel the worst for my firstborn, who had to learn alongside me. He was born a few months shy of my 19th birthday and I had all the bullheaded stubbornness of any girl that age, exacerbated by 38 weeks of judgmental glances at my naked ring finger. I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, and I would set out to raise a superhero. I read to him day and night, and he was writing his own name and learning to read by the time he was 3 1/2. People raved about his perfect behavior, extensive vocabulary and sweet disposition. Poor kid… he deserves a week with the soft & easygoing mom I’ve learned to be. I’ve learned to buy the silly unhealthy cereal they really want, because nobody dies and nobody gives you a medal for eating that fruit-juice-sweetened cardboard. Also, nobody enjoys that shit. Lucky Charms may be unhealthy, but they are also magically delicious.

*For not being the fabulous wife of a happy man.

I too, thought I’d live happily ever after, +1. I’m grateful for my single life, but I also know that I’m a wonderful partner, and happiest when I have someone to care for & love. It’s the human condition and I am just as vulnerable as anyone else. Maybe I should be in a loving relationship, but I’m pretty damn satisfied watching what I want to watch on Netflix, while knitting in yoga pants and my favorite ugly sweatshirt.

I’ve made a million mistakes in my life, but the experience I gleaned from those failures is what enabled me to survive. Without having learned the hard way, I would never have known I was capable of thriving under the harshest circumstances.

I forgive myself for not always having all the answers, and for the moments I didn’t have a clue. I’m still learning. 🙂

Categories: 30 Days of Truth

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1 reply

  1. This one was tough for me too. And then I notice they get harder, lol

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