30 Days of Truth

30 Days of Truth, Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for.

When I realized my relationship was imploding, I was also hit with the stark realization that I would be giving birth without a partner. I tried to get around my feelings every which way, because I felt like he deserved to be there… but there was so much hurt and disappointment between us, that I knew I had to prepare for the possibility that he would not.

My best friend, assured me that I was not alone, and insisted it would be just fine either way. I asked her if she’d be my coach and she agreed with a hug.

The blessed event was a short one, with my sweet baby born in the space of an hour. I realized I was having light contractions around 7 pm, called everyone to tell them I thought I was in labor at 9 and she was born at 10:50. It was a walk in the park compared to the 24 hours it took me to deliver my firstborn, but it they don’t call it labor for nothing.

Adjusting to life with a newborn, as a single parent, is something else. I wish I could go into detail, but sleep deprivation has a way of erasing your memories. Sadly enough, it took the same toll on my friendship with my best friend. She told me she was traumatized from the birth, which is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I treasure each of my children’s births and the last was the easiest.

It ruined our friendship. She stopped coming around, and I removed her from my social media because it annoyed me to see her enjoy the pictures but be otherwise missing in action. I miss her still, and can’t say I understand any more today than I did then.

I’m ashamed to admit how hard it is to forgive her. I suppose I held her to a higher standard than my baby’s father. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I could raise the baby alone. I didn’t know if I could do it without her, and I never dreamed I would have to.

I’m doing alright, if I do say so myself, and I learned something really important in the process of flying solo. I wasn’t just picking the wrong guy to date- I was allowing people into my life that didn’t respect or appreciate me. My picker was broken and I was accepting what life dropped at my door, because I didn’t have the courage to ask for what I wanted.

I forgive her for being a shitty friend when I needed her the most, I wish her all the happiness I’ve always wished for her… and a nice long labor. 🙂

fairweather

2 thoughts on “30 Days of Truth, Day 4”

  1. I’m really sorry that you had to go through this. I’ve had a couple of similar situations and they left me feeling empty and devastated. Add to that post-pregnancy hormones and it’s kind of a miracle you made it. ❤

    1. It was worse than anything. I had gotten used to him being gone during my entire pregnancy, but she’d always been there. I rocked the baby and watch a lot of Netflix… lol. I canned A LOT of veggies. It was really rough but what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, right???

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