Abstinence for Beginners

I’ve been the worst kind of self-righteous, abstinent woman. I have openly encouraged all of my heartbroken friends to give up dick for a few years. I actually still will. At the point my relationship fell apart, I hadn’t been single since I was 14 years old. I would love to say that I didn’t define myself by the state of my relationship or how much he loved me, but I was the most extreme example of a doormat that you can imagine.

Funny how holding a newborn in the midst of your breakup can force you to put yourself above a man.

I picked up a million new skills in those 5 years. I learned how to knit my sex drive, silent. I planted seeds and grew a million vegetables instead of crying over some ridiculous waste of time I’d fallen for. I didn’t miss a man, for a minute.

It’s really cool to fall in love with yourself again. It turns out? I’m wayyyy cooler than I thought. I have far more of my shit together after focusing on the important things AND I don’t feel like I need a man to be complete any more. It would take a Holy Grail sort of situation to make me want to part with my freedom. I watch the football game I want to watch. I have 9 pillows on my bed. I give myself flowers. I have an amazing variety of vibrators. I’m all set.

I see my friends with people that treat them so poorly and I hear them say the same things I’ve heard echo in my ears, so many times before. I hear them blame themselves, try to make efforts to be more, give more and try harder… without seeing any huge efforts of that same caliber in return.

Y’all… Love isn’t suppose to suck and if it does, then learn to love your damn self instead. You’re way too cool to settle for bullshit efforts because when you’re your own biggest cheerleader, you laugh that bullshit right off the table. Mine fell into one of three categories. He was generally a lazy, mean cheater. Here’s what I’ve learned.


Cheating: Absofuckinglutely not. Get the fuck out of here with that. If you care at all about the life you’re living, the person you are and the example you set for your friends and family, then you care enough to not be a shitty human being. Shitty human beings cheat. Don’t let a shitty person waste space in your life.

Lazy: Same goes. Nope the fuck out of that bad party. If you’re the only one trying and trying and trying, I’d be willing to bet that they’re spending their efforts elsewhere. See above. If you ARE that lazy partner, get the hell up and break out some handcuffs. You’re behind. Catch the hell up.

Mean: Do I really have to tell you? Mean men and women are a waste of time and energy. You will only end up feeling bad about yourself and attracting meaner people. Being attracted to mean people is the epitome of self loathing. Love yourself until you only want someone who respects the value of your heart.

It’s kind of incredible to find peace in your own company again. I don’t need to be on the phone, the television is off and I’m completely delighted dancing by myself while I make dinner.

I get to do anything I want because I’m the Queen of my own castle and the champion of my own dreams. I have a job I love, a solid self esteem and the reliance in myself that I searched for in every wrong place.

You can be alone and not lonely. In fact, you can be far lonelier when you have someone in your life that just isn’t.

Date yourself. Take your fine ass out to dinner. Get dressed up and feel pretty or handsome. You’re the most important person you can love.

And let’s be honest… nobody can make you cum faster.

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