Armageddon

online

The unthinkable is upon us. I blame my darling Little Red, who surprised me with a visit last night.

LR- You should Tinder.

J- Oh god no.

LR- Come on! It’ll be a great distraction and you stand a better chance of meeting someone actually worthy of your time. Maybe even <gasp> someone you actually like.

J- The thought of writing a personal ad makes me want to bury myself alive.

LR- And you say I’m dramatic. Think about it. I think it’s safe to say if he hasn’t walked down the driveway in the past 5 years, that you’re going to have to go out in the world a little to meet him.

J- Meet who?

LR- Your +1. Make a list of what you love and hate. Be honest and I’m sure you’re gonna go like hotcakes.

My daughter, the saleswoman/prophet.

So I caved… and the thought of actually going on a date makes me nauseous, but I do know that it makes for hilarious writing, and I really am enjoying that again. So…. fuck it. Here goes nothing.

  • He must know how to tie a tie. I don’t care if he never wears one to work. He will be wearing one behind closed doors, with me. I like a gentleman who knows his knots.
  • He must be honest. I am not interested in playing on a team that I didn’t sign up to play for.
  • Huge points for smelling good. Cologne hangs in my mind almost as much as the things you say. If you hate it or think patchouli oil counts? The fuck out of here with that.
  • He must love his family & be willing to tolerate mine. That means family dinners, holidays and the whole 9. Antisocial partners ruin everyone’s good time.
  • He must be naughty. I don’t want to worry about horrifying him. I was seconds from an orgasm once, whispered “choke me” to my boyfriend and he leaped out of bed,  wide-eyed & wanting to discuss why I would ever want such a thing. Ugh. I didn’t say “to death”….
  • He must know how to kiss and like it. Same goes for biting. Bonus points for combining the two.
  • He must have control over his own life. No crazy babymamas or feral children. Been there, done that… never putting a toe in that crazy lake again.

So I’m being lazy and weird about it, not wanting to put any energy into writing a profile… digging deep into my blog for my original dating profile. 🙂

Wa LA!

I’m looking for the right man. Is that you? Do you do what you say you’re going to do?

Does your mom tell her friends what a great son you are? Do your kids complain that you’re too strict?

Do women tell you how good you smell and how nice it is to see a well dressed man?

Are you funny in the right moments, and sexy in the others? Are you a good ex-husband? Open to the idea of getting remarried to an amazing woman?

If you answered yes to most of the above….

Email me 🙂

I have a happy life of my own, and I’d like you to have one too. I mean what I say & I never break a promise… you should value your integrity just as much. I have two three great kids that mean the world to me and my friends & family know me to be a loving & consistent mother. I would be delighted to meet someone who takes pride in his role as a father. I’m an incorrigible flirt.

I’m pretty funny… and will love it if you can make me laugh too. I always smell good- and will tell you every time how much I love your cologne. I LOVE good old fashioned manners.  I’m a sucker for nice arms & a nice smile… and If you can dance & kiss too- I may spontaneously propose  proposition you at some point 🙂

I pride myself on raising nice people- no brats here. I share custody with my ex-husband. I have my youngest full time, If you have a crazy ex- I hope you’re nice enough to not email me. I’m really not interested.

My favorite man is… masculine, confident, and funny…sexy, and aggressive (in the right moments). Someone comfortable with me being an independent woman- while understanding too that I get tired of being the boss in my own life and relish the idea of a man who’s in control. If you are meek, mild or timid… we’re not a match. I can’t stand facial hair- no offense if you treasure your mustache/beard/goatee- it’s just not at all for me.

***I hate to have to add this… but… If you don’t have a picture, I’m going to assume you are either:
A. Married 
B. Unattractive
C. Chicken
None of which interest me. If you’re taking the time to browse- have the courage to do so with your face. 🙂 Also- if you’re over the age of 60- Please. Don’t email me.

Heeeeyyyyyy…. look at that! Minimal changes and I’m set! Now I just have to actually pull the trigger.

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