Go tend your garden.

Are you sitting down?

If you aren’t, I’ll give you a minute to find a cozy seat.

Yeah? Ready?


Go tend your garden.

Unrealistic woman.

Indeed. Ha ha ha ha haaaa ha ah ahahhaha ahahah .

I want to fly to Florida to see my favorite lady and have this tattooed on. I have been in tears laughing since I got his text.

Then an even better idea hit me.


Go Tend Your Garden

Because I don’t get offended anymore, I just have to seek the humor in it. Dating is absolute misery and if I had my way, I wouldn’t do it… but I had to go and open goddamn Pandora’s box… and now I want a boyfriend.

Being high on great sex does terrible things to your brain. I realize I’m not making choices with a clear head, but here I am… evolving nonetheless.

I don’t want dial a dick, as it turns out. After 5 years of celibacy, it has been spectacular to get laid again, soundly- and I hail the blessed Incredicock, but it’s fall, y’all. Time for dinner, a movie and some sort of consistent sex life.


Because that fantasy of him, a plate of perfect bacon, a bucket of ice cold beer and hours of uninterrupted… … … football?

Well that shit can’t happen if you don’t stop seeking love in the wrong place, and you know when you are. I had to admit it and I hate it, but it is what it is.

He’s just not that into me, and it took my entire, torturous thirties to learn to recognize when that is the case. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it blow up beyond the point of no return. We all know. Better to face it with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. It was fun, now it’s not, the end. Huge bummer? Yep, now turn the page.

You can’t win if you don’t play and if you don’t get out there and dent yourself a little, you’ll never learn what you really want and what really makes you happy. You have to invest yourself, even if you walk away with a few scars as a result.

I go all in. I don’t leave any feelings out and I am not afraid of much. I’m happy alone, but it turns out that I miss intimacy and I’m not cut out for being treated like an automated vagina.

I’m just not that girl. I make marshmallows & shit. I can hold my own in a room full of amazing women and I’ve fought hard for that realization.

I tried. Damn it. It was amazing and I have no regrets.

Well maybe one. It has been a while since I tended my garden.

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