Raising a baby alone, from birth… is an epic undertaking. My eldest daughter has been my right hand, but the Dumpling has softened me. I had to take real stock of my character and pull from places I didn’t know I had. Her father has always provided for her financially since we settled things in court, and would drop everything to help me if I needed him. We are on very good terms and I consider him a dear friend. But. He’s here once or twice a year, for a week. I’ve had two nights off in 5 years.
At this point? Exhaustion is my motivation. I thrive on the last minute and I shine under pressure. I’ve finally conquered a bit of my chaos and I’m proud to admit that I’m the girl to have by your side in a shitty situation. I don’t add to anyone’s suffering, even my own. I am happy to say, I have learned a few valuable lessons. The very most important being that I don’t cause anyone harm.
I define the people I hold closest by how trustworthy they are. I have a very tight circle and I’d bury a body with any one of them….probably in my own garden. I’m a loyal friend and I safeguard and protect the people who I know to possess the same traits. Integrity is rare and I’m attracted to noble things. The man I adore is deliciously honorable. I didn’t realize that a good man would be such an arrow in the heart of my achilles. Loving someone’s character is intoxicating.
I’m fiercely protective and can honestly tell you that it is NEVER worth crossing me or mine. I used to get mad and saucy. Now I just get gone and you learn what it is to live on the dark side of the sun. My time is precious and valuable. I know exactly where I want to give my extra time to.
I have a no nonsense policy that I hold very dear, but I’ve learned to forgive and forget and move through life more peacefully. I’ve been estranged from my closest sister for a few years and I’ve missed her in our lives. I don’t like conflict and I decided to get my shit together and apologize. So I invited her to the Dumplings dance performance and we healed the huge wound in our family. Christmas is going to feel a million times better and my girls aren’t stuck in the void of angry words between the adults that control their celebrations.
Life is too short to leave the hard words, unsaid. I’m stepping wayyyyy outside of my comfort zone today and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little sick to my stomach about it.
But I think of the people who died before taking the chance. The guy who was too afraid. The girl who wasn’t brave enough.
No one will ever define me that way.