I had to sit and think today about the last time I had a crush on someone before this current issue.
***Disclaimer: I fell head first in love with the Dumpling’s daddy, but never had time to have a crush on him. I feel the need to defend his honor a little before completely dismissing him.
I had dinner with my favorite ex and told him how insanely frustrated I am these days.
D- Define crush.
J- What? Why?
D- I need to hear your answer.
J- Hmmm. I don’t crush much . I have to actually like who someone is, as opposed to the things I like about him. It’s a character thing for me. Who IS he. What does he KNOW. How much of a predator is he? Can he cook? Can he keep up with me? Does he have a filthy enough mouth and a wild imagination? Is he a devoted and firm father? It’s a lot. Probably Smartypants.
D- That explains the spanking fetish.
J- Ya know what? Fuck off. I’d be delighted if it weren’t so much damn work. I hate the nonsense of it all. I don’t have time for it and I am highly frustrated by the need.
D- Boys who don’t want you, give you wrinkles. You have NO business begging.
At which point, I cried. Because I know he’s right and it hurts like hell. Wanting someone who doesn’t want you back is the worst sort of self-torture and I am definitely knee deep in self loathing at this point.
I have to swallow my desperately hurt pride and close my eyes to those extremely hurt feelings.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Can we be done with this stupid shit?
Why on earth do people feel the need to dig into someone’s wounds at a time they’re already feeling horrible?
Confession: I hate Christmas. Hate it. Can’t wait until Saturday when I can throw half of the decorations away and pack up the rest in half as many boxes.
The last time I saw my son on Christmas, was 8 years ago. There really aren’t words for what that loss feels like. My baby girl talks about him constantly, like the imaginary friend we can all put a face to, but they’ve never met. I try really hard to make all the same magical moments for her, because she deserves the same… but sometimes my heart breaks while I go through the motions. If someone cut off a third of your heart, you’d bleed to death. That’s how I feel.
So let’s move on to New Year’s and feeling bad for setting the same resolutions. Sheesh. Then the joy of Valentine’s day…
I’m all about St. Patrick’s Day and Easter. Give me some Guinness, eternal salvation and chocolate eggs.