I’m forever disappointed in myself when I’m silenced by someone’s judgements. It’s kinda-sorta my achilles heel, even more so than the man I adore. I’m a nice person, and try as I might, I do still feel bad when people have unkind things to say or feel about me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I’ll dodge hateful words far more intently.
We’ve had a bit of a month around this household, and there have been some epic highs and lows in the space of a few weeks. Communication has been at an all time high, which makes even the worst circumstances, tolerable. I treasure the little family I’ve made, and love that our home is a peaceful escape from the harsh reality of adulthood.
Out in the big bad world, things aren’t always so rosy, people aren’t always nice and communication seems to be a dying art. Talking shit has taken the place of directly confronting a painful situation and loyalty is more a tattoo than character trait anymore.
I’m very content being single, as a result. I tried dating. I really did. I have absolutely no desire to do it again. I can’t deal with the technology aspect of it nowadays. They all ask for selfies. They all send dick pics. Yes, ALL. The “Good morning, beautiful” text messages don’t totally suck, but it’s all just so pathetically generic. I can’t. It’s not even remotely tempting.
I share it here because it’s too damn funny not to and this is my journal. If you’re coming here out of malice to read up on all my bad times, you’d better buckle up and hang on. I’m sure there will be more. Oh and… I honestly strive to not give a fuck about anyone’s opinion anymore. That’s the real beauty of growing into myself. I make mistakes regularly and honestly feel bad about them, or I don’t. The only difference between you and I, is that I write about personal shit where strangers like to read about it. I can’t say I understand it either, but coming here to read is most definitely a personal choice.
I’m not friends with any of my exes on social media. Once we’re done, I’m done. I don’t want to see what he’s eating for dinner, who his new lady is, etc. I’m not one to collect mistakes. Once he’s irrelevant, I limit him to good old fashioned texts or phone calls. No pictures of his face, thanks. I’m all set.
Yet a handful of them still read my blog. I find it ironic and simultaneously hilarious. I have an excellent program that lets me track their visits here, and I shake my head and laugh every time a familiar name pops up.
But every now and then, it silences me… and I retreat back into myself after feeling judged.
For a minute.
Because I’ve worked too goddamn hard to get where I am today, and I am SO proud of the woman I’ve become. I single-handedly run my own household as a single mother, and help run a business doing what I love: creating. I have achieved a certain amount of freedom as a result of my own hard work and raw determination. I’m working harder to be stronger, physically and mentally. I take time to read and heyyyy there reader…. I do a little writing to clear the cobwebs from my head and heart. The stuff I can’t work out in my garden by playing in the dirt- I share here. I am unapologetically vulnerable and if you’d like to pass judgement or criticize me for it, well… that says a whole lot more about you than it does about me.