Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Oy…. I should have known better than to do all this introspection on a broken heart.
This poor man who’s found himself in the center of my crosshairs, has truly disrupted the peace in my life and I’d love nothing more than to ramble on for a few hundred words about the bone deep frustration he inspires and how desperate I am for a break from it.
Something horrible happens when you are constantly subjected to what you want and cannot have. I suppose I’m learning something from all this torture, but presently… I just feel absolutely miserable and hopeless.
I’m hardly sleeping, exercising too much, not eating and now… adding my acre garden to the already mile-long to-do list. The revenge body that will result from all this is more of a side effect than a hard-won trophy.
I’m haunted, there’s really no other way to put it.
If it isn’t his cologne, it’s his soap. The outrageously masculine heat of him is almost more than I can stand. Never in my life have I been so crippled by men’s hygiene, and I catch myself being grateful for a stuffy nose so that I have a break from the olfactory onslaught.
I could live without this. Very easily.
Watching the hands that occupy 99% of my fantasy hours do mundane shit, is next level suffering. Seeing that mouth just sit there, untouched…when I have so many delicious things to put in it, kills me.
I’m not patient. I don’t like hearing no and I hate not getting my way. Sigh… but even temper tantrums don’t help. If given the choice to avoid or see him, I always choose the latter… so I suppose I’m signing the order for my own suffering.
It makes me really sad to consider not seeing him again, but being constantly subjected to him is like sitting down for dinner with a raging appetite and my hands cuffed behind my back.
I need to get up from this miserable, unsatisfying meal and walk away.
For all of us… 🙂