Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Someone close to me committed suicide when I was in high school. David hung out with us and was really close to my ex-husband. He waved goodbye one day as we left for lunch, went home and shot himself. The devastation his absence left was earth-shattering.

You don’t realize how vital you are to another person’s happiness, until you see people grieve a suicide.

Death is natural and we all lose people that are special to us. Loving someone is the ultimate risk because you know in your heart that everything has a beginning and an end. Same goes for the love of your life. They come to an end, too. It just escapes understanding when they choose to leave.

I believe in assisted suicide. I think anyone with a horrible terminal illness deserves to skip the miserable ending and go out like a blaze of glory, on their own terms. I would seek that relief before I made my family watch me suffer.

But.

My mama loves me too much to ever think my problems are so insurmountable that I can’t go on. All those organic vegetables she painstakingly grew and fed to me, that horse I had to have that hated everyone, the many nights I snuck out and she laid awake worrying… yeah… this lady deserves the golden sunset of my maturity.

My children need me to teach them I love them in that same way my mother has. I have vegetables to grow and feed them, new boyfriends to meet, spelling words to practice and a million happy moments, yet to come.

My best friend is one phone call away and even in the height of professional demands, I know I could call her and she would drop her own universe to catch me. I would do the same. When your friendship becomes sisterhood, you have a responsibility to each other to keep yourself safe. I’m her safe place to land, too…

I am so loved, I could never disregard what a lucky girl I am for long enough to take my own life.

and BOY OH BOY have I fucked up a few times in epic fashion. I go big or go home in every aspect of my life and I’ve done some stupid shit that I’m desperately ashamed of. However… water passes under those bridges and time really does heal everything. Regret is a waste of good memories and even the worst ones will be fun to take with me to the nursing home, someday.

I’m human. I cry a lot. I feel everything a little more than I should. I’ve seen darkness in my life and I know it came at a time when I had disappointed myself deeply and had  backed myself into a corner that I didn’t know how to get out of. Waking up to the reality of my life, hurt. My choices, stunk. My life was a mess and I was desperate to get out of it.

So I listened to my mom, who always reminds me that the answers I need are always one short read away.

M- Don’t forget- many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Take a nap and come over for dinner. I love you.

Moms are always right & life is always hard…but it also changes when you need it to the most.

des

 

 

 

One thought on “30 Days of Truth, Day 26

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