Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I sincerely hope I stop loving men who make me feel unworthy and insignificant. Of all the self destructive habits I possess, this one cuts the deepest and hurts the most.
Mean men are my weakness and boys who make me wonder why I ever thought they’d love me back, are my achilles. I understand it’s a Daddy issue, but at this point it’s also really pathetic.
I wish I could figure it out and heal that broken part of my heart that tells me I should love the guy who makes me question my own value. I’m all for personal growth but I also know at this point that I deserve to feel as happy as I strive to make someone else feel.
I have worked damn hard to be able to admit to myself that my taste is shit and that chances are good if I love him, he’s a very bad choice.
I’ve started dating men that I’m not at all attracted to, who treat me kindly.
I had dinner last week with the nicest man I think I’ve ever had a meal with. I feel resigned to less passion and more love. It makes me desperately sad to think I have to pick one over the other but at this point I’d rather smile than cry… even if it means my screaming days are over.
I had a date on Saturday who took me for a spin in his airplane.
I’m stepping outside my comfort zone with the men who treat me with kindness and respect. No dick pics. No creepy requests for pictures. Intelligent, capable men with successful careers and a confident approach.
IE: I’m dating myself, finally.
It feels great. It’s nice to be pursued by smart men who respect themselves and you. It’s fun to hear about what successful men do. I swoon over a man in scrubs sending me some brilliant grammar on his surgical break. He’s not my type… but my type sucks and only makes me feel bad about myself.
So I’m growing as a heathen, I suppose.
“All growth is gradual, and it is only through slow and gradual stages that man begins truly to “grow up” and discover his true Self and to relinquish the childish playthings of hate, greed and anger through selfless service and love.” -Lord Meher
I’m trying. Ish.
I failed again today when invited to lunch by He Who Shall Not Be Named. I’ve missed him and I am powerless to the temptation of seeing him. Just sitting next to him is intoxicating. He smells like … a bubble bath with candles, fluffy clean laundry and the memories that rob me of sleep each night. I am such a glutton for punishment that I can undo 6 weeks of progress with one touch.
I try not to look at him. I always laugh when I think of the old song my Grandma used to sing to me.
My damn eyes give me away every time. He knows with one glance that I want him far more than the salad in front of me. I walk in promising myself that I’ll be cool, I’ll breathe through how good he smells, how much I want him and the knowledge that I should be walking away from, not into ……….the fire.
But he smells so good and his smug smile hits me straight in the clitoris.
At least until he opens his mouth.
With one sentence, he stuns me so silent that I have to hold my breath to stop from crying. He reduces me into the joke he’s been laughing at this whole time.
The almighty revenge fuck I knew I was, confirmed. All those feelings I’ve drowned in, wasted. The countless sleepless nights and heartache… for naught.
I’m guilty of learning my lessons best when they are the hardest and this is no exception.
Yay Monday. .. and thank heavens this truth bullshit is almost over. This one hit way too close to home today.