My friends have been collectively rolling their eyes at me since January. I am wasting my time missing the wrong guy and I know that. I would love to not be, but that’s beyond my control.

So I sit around burning silently, with no end in sight. Ever the optimist, I am trying to find the silver lining in never getting what I want. It’s gotten progressively more difficult to do so. Try as I might, I can’t unring that bell and the sound of his voice and memory of his body is etched into my subconscious, so even if I can escape him during the daylight….

My body tortures me the second I close my eyes at night. This would be the gazillionth night in a row that I find myself awake at 3 in the morning… praying for mercy.

So I did what any girl does and called my mom.

J- I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve doomed myself to being stuck on him forever.

M- Maybe before, but you’ve got to be getting bored. If he’s that clueless, you’re going to run out of reasons why you like him.

J- That’s literally impossible.

M- Hmmm…. well… you know what they say.

J- Tell me.

M- theonlyway.png

She’s not the first to remind me… hell… she’s not even the tenth. If I had a nickel for every person who’s told me to fuck somebody else, I could retire. I hear y’all, really I do…

I just really don’t want to.

But I made the date anyway, as my two weeks of shenanigans is coming to an end on Tuesday and time is of the essence.

I’ve ghosted Eric a dozen times and he’s still begging for a thirteenth chance. He’s pretty in a generic way and … well… he’s armed to the teeth, if ya know what I mean. Don’t judge me, I’m trying to erase a man I nicknamed Incredicock, and not necessarily because of size but because his imagination gave mine a run for its money. I need an armed & inspired man, post haste.

I pulled the trigger and scheduled the date, choosing a restaurant with my favorite salad over the one that has the steak I really wanted, because my intentions were all about shaking off a little heartache and potentially… my pink striped panties.

I met him there and walked in after him, smiling at my friends at the door. I’ve really gotten better at this. I get nervous like the next girl, but I’ve really learned to embrace the reality of myself and what I have to offer someone. I’m a catch and it’s glorious to actually know that.

First impression: He’s pretty, he smells good and his hands are nice. These are a few of my favorite things and the mere promise of him is enough to put a smile back on my face for a minute. There’s a big part of my heart that breaks when any other man comes chasing after me, though. I don’t struggle for attention, I simply don’t want it from anyone else and it feels weird when it’s prematurely aggressive.

J- Thanks for dinner.

E- In the mood for something sweet?

J- I am. Follow me, I have ice cream. (Said the spider to the fly…)

Driving home with Eric in my rearview mirror, I changed my mind a hundred times. I am not this girl. I don’t do this. I don’t want him to know where I live. I don’t want him in my bed, erasing the man I want so desperately.

I don’t want him.

But here we are and here it is, a golden opportunity to get my groove back and I am SO SICK of being sad and pathetic that I’m forcing myself to follow through.

Two beers, a pint of salted caramel Haagen Dazs and a tour of my garden later… he’s sitting on the edge of my bed and I’m feeling a little too powerful for my own good. I do love a reminder that it’s this easy if I want it. I needed that, if nothing else.

If only he were someone else entirely. Sigh…

I sat down next to him and he lunged at me, damn near chipping my tooth with his oral onslaught. Double sigh… This was not going to be easy, apparently.

He started talking… and don’t get me wrong, I am DOWN for a chatty man. I want to hear what you want and like but sometimes… you gotta shut the fuck up.

I kissed him and whispered Shhhhhh…. against his lips. He got the point and shut up. Write it down, y’all… that is the first time in my life I’ve ever told a man to be quiet.

For the record, also the last.

Because… as soon as he was silent, my mind wandered a little too far and the wrong name slipped out of my mouth.

E- What did you say?



Eric was less than thrilled and I thanked him for the kisses and sent him home. There’s simply no recovering from that and I’ve already set him to silent for the 13th time.



2 thoughts on “Oops.

  1. Ah Jenni, I do love your exploits! Always a surprise ending, lol. I don’t know what the solution is beyond kidnapping and then have him in so many ways you tire of him, if that is possible.

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