A Most Unwanted Gift

I woke up to him on my birthday, just like I’d been hoping and praying I would.

My phone started shouting “YUMMY” at me after only a few hours of sleep, and my eyes snapped open like the last firecracker to go off. He has his own tone because I want to know when it’s him. One “YUMMY” and I was wide awake.

Only those prayers didn’t pay off at all like I’d hoped or bribed everyone to help with. I had bought an emergency bottle of champagne because I knew birthday tears were more likely than a miracle. Satisfaction has been at a minimum with this destructive habit of mine and I have to admit that I knew he would disappoint me deeply by the end of the day. I’ve been breathing through this reality for 7 months. I knew it was not going to be what I wanted.

But I’m the most optimistic girl in the morgue. … … and my birthday does nothing but encourage the delusions borne of a childhood spent more in the woods than plugged in. I know fairytales exist and I’d ordered one for my birthday.

Someone just forgot to tell the Ogre.

He was calling to cancel and went silent when I reminded him it was my birthday.

No bow.

No miracle.

Not so much as “Happy Birthday.”

I sat in my big empty bed with alligator tears rolling down my sleepy face. Nothing like getting woken up to be disappointed.. … on your birthday. Especially on the heels of seven months of this same day. For whatever reason, he loves to be the object of my desire and thrives on my frustration.

But this time… he went too far. Or fell so short it hurt me too deeply to ignore.

Something shifts in me when I realize completely that I don’t mean anything to someone. I’ve gone above and beyond with this man and he couldn’t be bothered to say something nice to me after knowing how much he was letting me down.

You’re either for me or against me, and if you choose the latter…. I’m not nearly as fun.

My dear Fancy best took me to lunch and said exactly what I needed her to.

F- Did he even say happy birthday?!

J- No. He didn’t.

F- What a lame ass.

It was not the gift I had hoped for and wanted so much. Not even close.

Definitely the gift I needed though, and sometimes those are far more valuable than the fleeting cravings of temporary satisfaction.

I deserve better, and more of it. I deserve kindness, at the very least. I’m an over giver and the people I love, feel it to their toes.

I’m not a woman to be casual about, take for granted or disregard.

Instead of giving me what I so desperately wanted for my birthday, he gave me my heart back in a few dozen pieces. I’m grateful, because I’m adept at putting it back together and more than anything I’m really grateful to have it back.

Away from him and away from forever feeling vulnerable, inadequate and used.

So perhaps his “happy birthday” was an unspoken gift of hurting me just badly enough that I don’t want him anymore.

Not the red bow I’d hoped for…

but an enormous gift, nonetheless.

 

3 thoughts on “A Most Unwanted Gift

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s