Sincerity.

toomuch

He knocked on the door and I was surprised to see his pretty face as I opened it. Completely powerless to that grin and the way he wounds me with it. Still really pissed off at him and not amused that he thinks he’s so hilarious when I’m so clearly fuming mad.

He held out an adorably wrapped bottle and said enough to annoy and delight me, yet again.

I- I got you some gin. I don’t know anything about it so I don’t know if you like it or not. It’s a blue bottle.

It’s my favorite and he knows it, but whatever. I’m unmoved because I want so much more than something to unwrap, if that something isn’t him.

J- I don’t want a present. I want a sincere apology. You hurt me and ruined my birthday.

I- I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to and I apologize.

Aaaaand I’m content.

I take a million years to get angry and ten seconds to forgive. It’s just my nature. I would rather swallow my pride for some peace, than live in drama and hostility. It makes disappointing me awfully easy but I would rather be forgiving than miserable.

I sat back and looked at him, tears on the verge of falling and a lump in my throat. So stupid in love with him that I can’t see straight. So many reasons to adore him, yet completely aware that I have to let him go.

I have absolutely no idea how to do something so insanely difficult.

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We spend our whole lives talking about “those guys” and “that one” and the holy grail walks in and sits down in front of me and I’m supposed to just close my eyes and walk away?

Yep. Pretty much.

I have a date Saturday night with a completely wonderful stunt double that looks eerily similar to my favorite guy. I’m not even trying to pretend it’s anything else, as dating is purely medicinal at this point. I have absolutely no desire to go, which is the biggest motivator.

I’ve spent enough time being sad and wishing he’d change his mind and roll those happily-ever-after dice with me. He’s got his hands in his pockets and other girls on his mind. I’m dead in the water.

I have to let him go, regardless of how painfully difficult that is. It’s self preservation at this point because I’m just not this pathetic, sad girl that I’ve been playing for the last year. Other than my love life, my personal and professional life have never been better.

I’ve figured a lot of shit out, weeded out a lot of garbage and put my heart back together slowly with nothing but admirable reasons to love a man most unwilling to love me back. At the very least, I’ve learned WHO to love and WHY. He may not feel the same way about me but in a few scorching moments he completely redefined for me what it is to be attracted to a REAL man.

He set the bar higher, something that hasn’t happened often. He makes me want to feel lit up like a sky full of fireworks and showed me just how possible that actually is. He taught me that beautiful men can have spectacularly incredible hearts to match. He broke my heart desperately, but he also gave me my faith back and saying goodbye to him is a necessary evil that sticks in my throat like a rock.

So I apologize in advance for the awkward dates we’re about to experience together. I don’t want to go either… but I’ve worked too hard to sit around broken and I’m determined to be happy.

Sometimes not getting what you want is the biggest motivator for changing the stuff you aren’t happy about.

I hope.

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3 thoughts on “Sincerity.

  1. So….have you actually TOLD him all of this? Is he just sowing his wild oats? Does he ever want to settle down? Maybe if he knew what he was passing up, he would reconsider?

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