I ran into him standing in line at the post office today, which took me completely off guard. Smiling at him, I saw him grin back at me while I tried to hold my breath and prayed he didn’t notice me blush. I’m intoxicated by his cologne, distracted by the heat of the elbow that keeps grazing mine and speechless over his pretty face.

That mouth of his… full of the teeth I need to bite me. The mouth that inspires a million cravings is idle and right there, begging me to lose my cool. I can see it on his face. The smug recognition that he is well aware that I want him more than anything.

So I smiled and breathed …..

Deeply……………………………………

It’s kind of the only thing I can control anymore.

Something horrible happens when a man creates fires with no intention of putting them out. He’s a glorified arsonist and I’m sick of the contact burns while fostering a bone deep addiction to hoping he’ll change his mind.

He’s the first man to inspire me to get up early to run… I want him constantly and scream him out of my system every morning. Sometimes twice. I’ve never been so enchanted, annoyed or frustrated in my life.

… … … .. . …. or whiny. Sorry.

My beloved Anthony has changed my name in his phone to Lady Frustration of the Clan Disappointment and has threatened to make shirts with my face on them unless I acknowledge my own hand in keeping myself miserable. #done

A- So who am I taking out tonight? You or Lady Frustration? This whole tits on toast thing is fabulous but you’re the same false advertisement you bitch about him being. Don’t shit his bad example on the unsuspecting men in your wake.

He’s right. We’re having a beer and I can see two that are calculating their approach. I wish that were exciting, but it just isn’t. When it isn’t the one you want, it’s an inconvenience, not a compliment. I hear Anthony laugh under his breath and whisper:

A- Houston, we have lift off.

J- Oh for the love of God… this is why we don’t go out.

Rando- Hey. Do you have a match?

A- Just one?

I shoot him the shut-the-fuck-up eyeballs and he giggles out loud.

J- No, sorry. I don’t smoke.

He walks away and I glare hard at my giddy friend.

J- You are NOT helping.

A- Yes, I am. I met you because I read your journal. I don’t want to read some bullshit about you meeting a loser in a bar who can’t light his own cancer. Matt and I don’t travel to Deliverance for a barfly with a penchant for STD’s.

J- I would never.

A- Well consider it, because you started sounding pathetic in March and here we are buying pumpkins.

I looked up and the worst possible person to walk in the door, struts in. I see Anthony perk up and grin at me.

A- Oh Houston… we have a fucking contender.

J- NO. Not him. Long story. NO.

A- I loooooove a long story from you. I’m going to introduce myself and ask him to join us.

J- I will leave you here.

A- I’ll Uber home.

I know it’s futile to stop him but I feel like I’m physically drowning as I watch him approach a man I’m incapable of nicknaming. I’ll describe him as best I can without just typing his name.

He’s pretty in a print model sort of fashion. He’s ironed in a way calculated to make him seem effortlessly crisp and he smells like a walk through the men’s department at Nordstrom. He has airy blue eyes… the kind that make you wistful for the first hot day of the year. He smells like leather, success and sex. I watch Anthony flirt with him and I see him turn, break into a smile and carry his martini towards me.

Fuck.

The most awkward date I’ve ever had in my life and only one night stand, is walking towards me with my extremely excited, best man friend. I wish SO much that I’d had the balls to write about this date way back when. I may still search to see if i have something hidden somewhere. I’m going to have to shorten things for legality…just sayin…

I can’t remember what happened exactly but I’d gotten my heart broken about ten years ago < I know, weird!? 🙂 > and Sober One Kenobe came over to do my hair and send me to the Follies, our local bawdy variety show. I ended up having a very bad date, and met Mr. Calvin Klein at the bar across the street, afterwards. He swooped in like a cologne commercial come to life, and I left with him. I do remember having some serious “What the fuck are you thinking” moments, but he’s stupid pretty and I get all sorts of dumb over those boys.

I also get myself in all sorts of hot water when I pretend to be cooler than I am.

SO. MUCH. TROUBLE.

He walked me into a mansion on the lake with a counter full of cocaine in front of us. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to wanting to call my mother, immediately. I smiled and smoothed things over, as is my way.

It’s been a long time since someone offered me drugs. Highschool, I suppose? I watched them all and could only think about the horrible pain of inhaling water when you’re swimming. No thanks. I didn’t have any trouble opting out of that one. Unfortunately that left me as the only sober one in a house full of cokeheads.

Mr. Calvin Klein bit my chin and pulled me into a dark room, shutting the door behind us. I looked up to see elephants and giraffes painted on the wall.

J- Um. This is a nursery. Where is the baby?

He cringed and offered to drive me home. Only he was high as hell and paranoid as fuck. He drove the long way around the lake to his house. What would have been a ten minute drive, was almost 2 hours.

He drove me home to his house and I overlooked his insanity. That’s what your 30’s are for. I fell asleep in a vodka induced stupor in a house somewhere in who-knows-where-ville and lived to tell the tale.

Morning sex is my absolute favorite thing- so I’m guilty of capitalizing on it, when the opportunity presents itself. How’s that for diplomatic? I opened my eyes to the blue sky above… through the skylight over his bed. He was asleep beside me… but…. not entirely asleep if you catch my drift. I slid my hand under the sheet and drew a line with my finger tip from his shoulder to his hip. His eyes flew open and things got heated. I had a half dozen parts of me wrapped around him when I opened my eyes and saw a baby picture on his nightstand.

J- Um. You have a baby?

K- No.

J- That looks like you do.

I gestured towards the laughing, toothless face that smiled sweetly back at us.

K- He’s dead.

Gulp…………………………………………..

Yeah…. that’s the guy Anthony is walking back to our table.

Welcome to dating in a small town with your big city bestie who learned a very powerful lesson about the importance of learning history.

Oy vey….

yep

One thought on “Teeth

  1. I wanna know what happened! Haha! I love the way you tell stories, I feel like I’m watching the scene unfold with your words ❤️

    And your Anthony is amazing.

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