I’ve hurt myself trying to get over him. Not intentionally, but as a result of the endless search for a coping mechanism that actually works.
I can’t find anything that will ease the soul-crushing craving I have for him. My Tinder list of boys is nothing but a bunch of glorified stunt doubles that bore me to tears. The most recent being the most similar, but I can still barely remember to text him back. I feel an unbelievable amount of guilt for considering using an innocent stranger for my own sanity’s sake.
I’ve had a horrible week full of heartache and disappointment. Including the infamous letter, which detailed my stupidity and gave me a dozen reasons to jump off a cliff… if only to put myself out of my misery.
I’m deep cleaning for comfort. Mopped floors and clean, folded laundry make me feel like I might survive this. The song that I have on repeat this week, is blasting from the stereo in the kitchen and I’ve let myself fantasize about him while I scrub the canning mess off of every surface.
Knock, knock, knock…
My mama has the Dumpling so I knew it was them, back for clothes and her favorite baby doll. The door isn’t locked and I’m not stopping or I may not start again.
J- SORRY!!! COME IN, I’M MOPPING.
I’m in the corner of the kitchen and too far to turn the music down. They know where to go and what to grab.
J- I don’t wanna play no games… play no games…fuck around and give you my last name…
I sang along as I scrubbed. Missing the pretty face that has plagued every silent thought I’ve had for the past year. Miserable, but breathing through another long day of carrying him around in my head.
The song ended and I heard a low laugh… looked up and saw him standing there.
I’m in panties, a tshirt and the highest heels I own…. because I’m mopping.
But it’s HIM.
The Him you don’t want it to be when you’re in a messy pencil bun, heels and panties, holding a mop. I was shocked and horrified in ways I can’t describe.
J- Oh MY God. What are you doing here?
The look in his eyes shifted and I got goosebumps and laughed…
I- You always mop like this? Are you listening to this on repeat?
J- Yes. Tiny footprints…. and don’t judge me.
The tiny hairs on the back of my neck were standing up and I was struggling not to hold my breath. I looked up at his pretty face and gave up.
J- I’m sorry I’m in love with you. It’s miserable for me, too.
Furious, I turned my back to him and started angrily rinsing my mop out in the sink. He walked up behind me and took my breath away. I don’t know what it is about his chest but I gasped on contact and turned around to frown at him for making light of my suffering.
He laughed, lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to my room.
I- I’m not seeing anyone.
J- That doesn’t seem to make any difference.
Wrapped in his delicious masculinity and the cologne that haunts me day and night, heart racing and dangerously close to having the spins, I closed my eyes and breathed him in.
His mouth makes me bargain with God and promise to reconsider tithing and those magical hands of his have destroyed me for the rest. Unwrapping him is better than anything I can think of. He’s ice cold water on a hot day, the perfect steak when you’re starving and the only man in the world that I want to unwrap.
I don’t care how old you are, getting what you want is fucking wonderful.
I would say that my eyes rolled to the back of my head, but I think it’s more accurate to say they rolled around like a marble inside of it, ricocheting off every bit of reason to be avoided.
I felt the remainder of my sanity fly off with the panties he threw to the floor and wantonly climbed into the hands of the man I’d rather suffer through than live without.
I deserve the fallout. I recognize that. I’m officially asking for forgiveness before permission because I couldn’t kick him out of my bed if my life depended on it. Shoot me gently.
With his hands wrapped around my wrists, I screamed into the mouth that keeps me awake at night. He smiled against my lips, rolled me on top of him and told me to get it all out.
I- I’m sorry.
I- I figured this was long overdue and I may as well apologize like a man.
I couldn’t agree more.