Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

Dear Lover,

I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to put a bookend on this blog. So many people I DON’T want to read this, do. I can’t stop that, and it changes the way that I write. I leave things out and this is truly for me and no one else. I’m not in need of validation, I’m just a wordy girl with a heart overflowing in adjectives.

This has been the hardest and greatest year of my life in some ways. I forever miss my son, and I credit him for the personal and professional growth the pain of his absence has created. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago. Hell, I’m not the same person I was last year.

I went and fell in love with the greatest man in the world.

I’ve been empowered.

I’ve been broken.

I’ve known heartache worse than I ever fathomed I could survive, and I still can’t help but love him.

I learned what it’s supposed to feel like and how debilitating the addiction to love can be. I have decided to run away from his existence… and in the process, I’m writing that letter we all regret not sending when it’s all said and done and there’s nothing left to lose.

You’ve read a million hate blogs fired away by my angry fingers so I figured it was fitting to end with a love note.

Dear Lover,

You took me by storm. I didn’t expect or plan for you and I underestimated the effect you would have. You obliterated me, rebuilt me from the ground up, then shook me to the core again.

You devastate me in the best and worst ways. I wake up every single night, wanting anything of you. A message, a smile, any bit that makes it all worth enduring your absence.

Because I love you, limitlessly.

I say that with the most conviction I’ve ever mustered up because I haven’t ever felt like you make me feel. I relate to the Chrysler building and halogen bulbs because of you. You light me up like a thousand candles and I’m forever standing there in front of you, burning away while you watch the glow.

More than anything in this world, I want you to feel all the crazy magic that you fill my life with. You changed everything just by being you and I wish you would give me a chance to pull you into the deep end of the pool with me.

If I could ask for one thing from you, I’d beg you to be brave for me, just this once.

I know you’ve been hurt and have learned not to trust. I have too. I never second guessed my safety with you and I will forever throw my heart into any situation that would deliver yours to me. Regardless of whether it’s broken or not, mine belongs to you.

I hate you a lot for making me sing country music. A lot, a lot. It’s bad enough I have to masturbate you out of my system every morning and now I’m singing about my achy breaky heart. Fucker.  I feel like you should have to listen to it on replay for hours, like you inspire me to do. 

You’ve laughed off my temper tantrums, rolled with a couple dozen hate blogs and still pull me out of the latest mood with one spectacular smile. I couldn’t quit you if I tried.

So, I’m rolling the big dice and daring you to Captain up and guide us both out of this mess and into a better place.

Pick me. Pick you. Pick happy for both of us.

I dare you.

Your heart is safe with me and I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life showing you how spectacular I think you are and how much the love of an incredible woman can change your world. You know I can and do.

My dear Mrs. Beautyqueen stopped me dead in my tracks and said:

B- Why do you love him? I want real answers.

On the spot, without a breath… I have a million reasons why.

J- He’s the best man on earth. The best son, the best dad, the best friend. To know him is to not ever stand a chance of replacing or getting over him. He suffers through my frustration because he knows if he gave me what I want, I’d be even sadder. 

B- Then tell him. Life is too short to leave it unsaid. What do you have to lose?

Nothing at all to lose, here it is.

I leaned into you that last time and breathed you in. You’ve made me plug my nose to the other boys’ good cologne and buy bottles of yours. That’s so highschool I roll my own eyes at myself.

I’ve done everything I could think of to replace you, but if they aren’t you, they just aren’t it. Even the prettiest stunt double doesn’t stand a chance. You ruined me for the entire species and that’s really saying something.

I’m not even slightly perfect and I weep openly about you enough to be incredibly annoying. My friends are mad. My “readers” don’t “like” you.

But me?

I’m gobsmacked in love with every spectacular inch of you.

So jump with me. Live a little. Have some faith and stop working so hard to deny yourself basic happiness. Share your pretty heart with me and spoil me with the body that’s given me a million sleepless nights. The least you could do is fuck me goodbye, sheesh.

I’m leaving this behind me and walking away into the future I have earned. Running away is a fair term when you’re going 5000 miles. I will miss you forever and will always tuck you away into the safest place in my heart.

I love you to infinity and beyond, Bratface.

xoxo Jenni

This may also be the last post here. I know that will be met with both objections and applause, but when I hear about him being greeted by the nickname I gave him, it’s time to respectfully walk away. 

This is what happens when you have a love that lights the whole sky. It’s nothing to throw away the things that tie you to the ground.

It has sure been interesting and I love and appreciate all of you for supporting me through my darkest days, hardest times and the eternal sunshine after the storm. I haven’t always done things right, but I’ve never intentionally done them wrong. That counts, right?

I love you all, from the exes to the strangers and everyone in between. It’s not goodbye, it’s “until we meet again”. I write regularly somewhere else so if you contact me I’ll send you that link…

Or not.

I need to walk away from the fishbowl this has become and his beautiful face, too. I can’t quit him at arm’s length.

I need passports, multiple flights and a man who can’t quit me, in between us.

Fingers crossed and faith restored, I wish you well and love you all very much.

Categories: Friends, Happiness, Hope, incredicock, Love, Success, Temptation, Truth, Victory!, work

8 replies

  1. Dear Jenni,
    I am one of the strangers on another continent. I‘ve been on this rollercoaster with you for months, literally. And I have a feeling that I am not the only one. Believe me, I often double checked that this blog is not written by some split off part of my own personality to get through this ( – I guess we all have our crazy moments). That’s how similar the phases were in (y)our emotional journey.
    I have been meaning to contact you, but never found a mail address or message button on your page to do so privately. I am also not on facebook anymore. Self preservation. And I felt too vulnerable to comment publicly.
    I kept waiting and reading and hoping along with you and feel this might be the moment I come forward and get in touch. Will you write to me, if you have a moment? Sometimes there’s relief and support in the knowing that you’re not entirely alone/crazy/hopeless/… on the path you chose. That’s how I felt when reading your blog. I‘d be so grateful to hear from you.
    Thank you for being so refreshingly blunt and heartwarmingly honest.
    Much love,
    Mina

    • Mina,
      I found this today in the spam folder! There aren’t really words to express how much this means to me… especially today on one of those painfully OFF days when I’m feeling like the fat little worm at the bottom of a discarded tequila bottle.

      It may take me a few days in the midst of this lunatic week, but I absolutely will write to you and I wanted to write and say publicly too that I appreciate you relating, more than you know. This year has made me feel desperately alone and I really love you for letting me know I’m not. ♥
      Much love back,
      Jenni

  2. Yes please. I can’t quit reading your delicious words. They inspire me to write my own truths and to finally finish my half written novel. Thank you for sharing your adventures in love and your zeal for fresh veggies from the garden. I hope to read more.

  3. Wow and wow, and I wish for you that everything that is wondrous becomes yours
    Let me know where your other site is… robertsjune@outlook

  4. I would love to read your other writings!

  5. I have enjoyed your blog for years now and would love to continue to read your writings on your other site!!

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