Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

Reality Check.

What do you think middle age is? I never thought I’d be middle aged at 43… but I still don’t feel like an adult.

He called me middle aged today.

The floor fell out of my soul.

This man. This beautiful creature that makes me feel like I’m 12, at most… referred to me as middle aged. I’m older than him and for the first time in my life, I’m sensitive to it.

I’ve always dated significantly older men…… but now they look like my father…  so …..

30 it is.

Hearing the man that I most want to be attractive to, refer to me as an old lady… yeah. It was another great day in a most fulfilling year. <eyeroll>

I came home on the verge of peeing my pants and ran through dog pee on my way to the bathroom. I have so many fires to put out at home that I’m hit immediately with the foreboding feeling that precedes an anxiety attack. I went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and was hit FULL on by it.

Hot tears rolling down flushed cheeks. Gagging on the emotions I’m drowning in. So heartbroken I can’t catch my breath. So unhappy and feeling so unattractive, unwanted and sad.

Falling in love the deepest with the least available man is the most self destructive thing I’ve ever done and now that I’m middle aged, that’s saying something.

I wish I knew what it was that made me think uncertainty and fear meant love.

I wish I wanted someone that was kind to me, because loving someone that hurts me indiscriminately makes me feel so bad about myself.

It makes me feel like a bad mother, a shitty friend and far less deserving of the love I give so freely.

I should be old enough to know better, smart enough to not chase anyone that doesn’t want me and wise enough to recognize both.

But I’m not, so here we are.

I’ve had a dozen emails from incredible women in the same awful boat. We are all just bleeding from the heart and trying not to drip on anyone or anything we love.

At the end of the day, it’s just another Thursday. He’s just another beautiful heartache.

This is just another sad page in an incredible book.

Categories: incredicock, Love, Truth, Whine/Rant

3 replies

  1. So… having read along over the past few months I often think things like “You deserve so much better than this.”and “I hope once you come through the other side of this it’s not with a hardened heart.” and “Why oh why do you keep torturing yourself?” etc. etc… but the one thought that I keep coming back to after every single post related to him is “This guy is a such douche canoe.” From what you’ve written it sounds like he KNOWS how you feel. He KNOWS what you want. He KNOWS how much every single word, action, text or glance he makes in your direction ultimately just causes you more heartbreak and agony. He knows, yet he persists. Why? I can’t think of a single answer to that question that doesn’t land him squarely in the uniform of Captain of the S.S. Douche Canoe. :p

    • Yeah I’m an open book and he knows in grand detail how I feel. I’ve said the hard things so many times that they aren’t hard to say anymore. I wish I knew why, or more importantly why not. 😦 Thanks for cheering me on from afar, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. ♥

  2. When I was in my early twenties, decades ago, I too loved a boy who didnt love me back. But that didn’t matter to me, I loved him anyway. He would go out with girls who were my co-workers or friends. So I banged his friends. I still to this day dont regret giving my love to him freely because it made me open to all loves possibilities. He still lives with his mom and lives an emotionally stunted life. No relationship, no kids.

    As for your middle age question…my cousin died last week at 51, so 26 is middle age. Therefore Incrediblystupidcock is middle aged too. I guess the average age people live to now is 85 so dont get out your AARP card just yet.

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