Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

Gone.

I lost my gay husband yesterday.

I spent half the day on the phone with him, trying to talk him out of the jealousy that cripples him. I’ve had an unfaithful partner and know all too well how awful it feels to lay awake at night, wondering where they are.

Wondering why you aren’t enough and why someone else is.

Jealousy can ruin everything and insecurity is debilitating.

When you decide to betray the love and trust of your partner, you’re killing them while leaving them alive enough to wallow in the horror of it all. Some people can’t survive the truth, and my dear friend couldn’t bear it.

He left a note.

He left an even larger hole in the world.

I picked my phone up and called the only person in the world who could comfort me in that moment, and he was there with all the right words as I broke wide open.

I had the unenviable job of telling everyone after being notified first and I went to help his husband deal with the details and face the devastation.

I went to say goodbye.

Walking in to a cold sterile room full of stainless steel that held the empty bodies of loved ones, I got mad at him for the first time.

Suicide is so unfair to the people left behind who have to pick up the broken pieces and try to put some semblance of a normal life back together again.

He’s my +1. The keeper of my secrets. The glue that holds all my broken parts together.

I’ve buried my best friend before, but she was almost 70, fell asleep on the couch and woke up in heaven. I don’t handle death or loss well, and I died a little with him today when I kissed his cold cheek.

I don’t know why he ever thought I could live without him, but he just showed me in the worst way why I have to.

Be kind to someone today.

Tell someone they’re important to you and you can’t imagine your life without them.

Drop what you think is important and be there for someone who needs you.

Find the magic in being needed because it is not a slight thing to be important to someone.

Rest in peace, my beloved Anthony. ❤️ I wish you knew how much I love you and I wish I had loved you fiercely enough that you couldn’t leave.

Categories: Agony, Friends, Torment

6 replies

  1. So very sorry. Suicide is horrible and a different kind of grief for those left behind. I wish there was something better to say. Just so sorry you have to go through this.

    • I made clam chowder for the first time and chopped firewood. It seems the only thing that helped was domestic chores. I don’t even know what life looks like without him. Thank you for your love and kindness ♥

  2. I’m sorry for your loss. Its phrase all of us hear at some horrible time in our lives. This sucks. I’m sorry your sad. I hope you lean on your good friends and family at this time when everyone needs to come together and not mourn his death, but celebrate his life.

    • I’m absolutely ruined over the whole thing. He flew home to Virginia today and I am making soup and snuggling my Dumpling. Nothing else seems to help. Thank you for your sympathy ♥

  3. I’m so terribly sorry to hear this news. What an awful loss suicide is…unbearable in many ways. Wishing you forgiveness and peace…

    • I love him beyond being so sad at the way he left. I found an old guest blog he wrote today that really touched my heart and soothed my broken soul. I just might share it (even thought its still a little too applicable 😂)

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